(I work at a theme park and the ride I operate requires riders to pull down their own lap bars.)

Me: “When you’re all seated, please pull down on the lap bars in front of you.”

(Everyone is seated, and all but one guest pulls down their lap bar. She’s talking to her friends, so I catch her attention.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, could you please pull down on your lap bar so we can get the ride going?”

Guest: *blank stare*

Me: “The black lap bar right there in front of you. Just go on ahead and pull it down so it’s secure.”

Guest: *blank stare, puts hands on the bar*

Me: “That’s right, just pull it down…”

Guest: *raises hands in the air*

Me: “…”

(It’s fifteen minutes before our law firm opens, and the phone has been ringing constantly. We normally let it go to the answering machine, but I decide to pick up since this caller obviously wants to talk to someone.)

Me: “[Law Firm], how can I help you today?”

Caller: “Your d*** law firm only has machines! I can’t ever talk to a real person! Why is that?!”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re not open until 8:30 am. I just picked up the phone a little early since you kept calling. Also, I’m not a machine.”

Caller: “Well, you tell the real people when they come in that they’re not getting my business!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am a real person. I can help you. Please, just let me have your name and I’ll look you up in our system.”

Caller: “You d*** machines! I’m not giving you s***! When I finally talk to a real person, I’m going to let them have it!” *hangs up*

This story is part of the Man-Vs-Machine-themed roundup!

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Read the Man-Vs-Machine-themed roundup!

Me: “Hi, what can I get you?”

Customer: “I want the chocolate ice cream.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What size would you like?”

Customer: “I want the size that fits in the waffle cone.”

Me: “All of our sizes will fit in the waffles.”

Customer: “Oh. Okay.”

Me: “What size would you like?”

Customer: “The one that comes in a waffle cone.”

Me: “We can put any of the sizes in the waffles.”

Customer: *pause* “Will the small fit in the waffle cone?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “What about the medium?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “And the large?”

Me: “Yup.”

Customer: *longer pause* “So, if I get the medium, can you put it in a waffle cone?”

Guest: “I need you to put [Theme Park] into my GPS.”

Me: “Sir, it’s right around the corner. We even have a free shuttle that’ll take you over.”

Guest: “No, I want to DRIVE. Just put the coordinates into my GPS.”

Me: “Well, sir, it’s probably already a landmark in your GPS, but as I said, you just have to go out of the parking lot and turn right. The parking structure is just across the way there.”

Guest: “I need exact directions! Put the location into my GPS!”

Me: “Sir, I assure you, it’s already in your GPS. If you’d like, I can also provide you with a map. See?”

(I show him a pre-printed paper map that indicates the parking structure is literally across the street.)

Guest: “I want the park put into my GPS!”

Me: “Sir, I promise you that the park is in your GPS already, unless it’s a very cheap unit.”

Guest: “It came with my BMW rental!”

Me: “Then it’s in there, I promise you.”

Guest: “No, it’s not! Come out to my car and put it in!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t leave the desk, but if you bring the unit in, I will find the location for you.”

Guest: “Fine!”

(He leaves, and then returns with a high-end GPS unit.)

Guest: “Here!”

(I take the unit and call up the landmarks menu. Sure enough, there’s the park.)

Me: “Here it is, sir.”

Guest: *looks at the GPS unit* “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS AROUND THE D*** CORNER?!”

(My table has just ordered our unlimited soup and salad.)

Me: “Okay, I’ll go ahead a put this in for you and be right back with your salad and bread.”

Customer: “So, where is y’alls salad bar?”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: *speaking slowly* “The sal-ad ba-ar. Where is it?”

Me: “Um, we don’t have a salad bar, sir. I bring it to your table.”

Customer: “You bring the salad bar to the table?.”

Me: “No, sir, I bring out a bowl of salad for everyone at the table to share.”

Customer: “So, it’s not endless?”

Me: “Yes, it still is endless, I bring out as much salad as you want.”

Customer: “How you gonna know how much I want?”

Me: “I bring out as many bowls as you tell me to bring.”

Customer: “Well, how am I supposed to know how many to tell you when I don’t even know how much is in one?”

Me: “After I bring out the first bowl, you can tell me if you’d like some more.”

Customer: “But I want all my salad now!”

Me: “We don’t bring out all the salad at once so you get the freshest product possible.”

Customer: “But I want it now.”

Me: “As soon as I go back to the kitchen, I can bring it out for you.”

Customer: “But I want it now!”

Me: “So, I’ll go and get it for you.”

(As I finally walk away, I heard him say to this to his wife, “So, where’s my salad?”)