(I’m subbing for a second-grade class and have just lined them up for recess.)

Me: “[Student], go put your coat on. It’s cold and windy out today.”

Student: “I can’t find it.”

Me: “Check your locker.”

Student: *opens locker* “It’s not here.”

Me: “Is it in your backpack?”

Student: “No. I looked.”

Me: “Is it at your desk?” *checks with her*

Student: “No.”

Me: “Were you wearing a coat when you came to school this morning?”

Student: “I don’t know.”

Me: *sighs* “Okay. Let’s just go outside, and if you get cold tell me.”

Student: “Okay.” *plays for a while then runs over to me* “I’m cold.”

Me: “Go inside and ask the nurse if she has a coat or sweater you can borrow.”

Student: “Okay.”

(She comes back out a few minutes later with a coat TIED AROUND HER WAIST, and plays like that for the rest of recess. Later, at dismissal time:)

Student: “Hey, I found my coat!”

Me: “Oh, good. Where was it?”

Student: “In my backpack.”

(I work at a major electronic retailer. After the holidays, we look at every four-foot section in the store, tear it apart, clean it, and redo it. It has taken us longer this year since corporate was unsure how they wanted it done. This occurs while one aisle is undergoing planogram changes.)

Customer: “Are you guys going out of business?!”

Me: “No? Why would you think that?”

Customer: *looks annoyed and gestures vaguely around store* “All of the empty shelves!”

Me: “Oh! Every year after the holidays we do planogram changes, so we move product and shelving around. I assure you, we are not going out of business.”

Customer: *snorts* “Yeah, sure.” *starts leaving with her son* “I think they’re going out of business.”

(Lady, we’re the only electronic retailer in the area; you’d better hope we’re not going out of business!)

(I work in the office of a veterinary hospital. We get a lot of spam calls of random people trying to sell us stuff. Also, because we’re a vet clinic, I’m in the habit of letting them know the owner/vet has no time to talk to these spam calls because she is with clients or in surgery; sometimes I say this even if she isn’t. Usually, they at least understand this, because we’re a business and it’s what we do. One day I get a caller who apparently doesn’t catch what type of business we are.)

Me: *answering phone* “[My Name], vet hospital. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to speak to the owner, please.”

Me: “She’s in surgery right now; can I take a message?”

Caller: *pauses* “Oh! Oh, dear. Oh, my gosh. I’m so sorry. I’ll call back another time; I hope she’s okay!” *hangs up*

(Best way to get rid of a spammer!)

(I’m standing in line at a sandwich shop that makes your order in front of you. There’s only one person working behind the counter, and there are three groups in front of me. [Customer #1] is not watching her child, who is running around.)

Customer #1: “I’d like a six-inch chicken sandwich on wheat, with [long list of veggies and sauces].”

(The child runs over to the soda fountain and tries to press the buttons. He can’t reach so he starts throwing the lids like Frisbees.)

Customer #1: *glances over at the child and smiles* “What do you want, sweetheart?”

Child: “I want cookies!”

Customer #1: “What kind of sandwich?”

Child: *still throwing the soda lids* “Cookies!”

(Eventually, the mom ends up getting him a turkey sandwich and two cookies before they leave, leaving the soda lids on the floor.)

Customer #2: *looking at her phone* “Yeah, uh… I’d like a… meatball sub.”

Worker: “What kind of bread?”

Customer #2: “Huh?”

Worker: “What kind of bread would you like?”

Customer #2: “Oh. White, I guess.” *looks over at [Customer #3] who is sitting at a table, also looking at his phone* “What kind of sandwich do you want?”

Customer #3: “Huh?”

Customer #2: “What kind of sandwich?!”

Customer #3: “Foot-long!”

Customer #2: *ignoring the worker who’s trying to finish her first sandwich* “What kind of foot-long?!”

Customer #3: “Cold cut!”

(This goes on for a while before they finish their order and leave. [Customer #4] is quiet and fairly polite until they get to the condiments.)

Worker: “I’m sorry; we seem to be out of spicy mustard. I can check in back, if you want.”

Customer #4: “Sure. Thanks.”

(The customer waits until the worker is in the back before taking two dollars out of the tip jar, leaving just a few coins. The worker comes back and finishes the guy’s order before he leaves. She sees the tip jar and honestly looks like she’s about to cry before coming over to me, putting on a smile.)

Worker: “What kind of sandwich would you like today?”

Me: “Just a six-inch meatball sub on white bread, please.”

(The rest of the order goes smoothly until after I’ve paid. The worker hands me a small paper bag that has about five cookies in it.)

Worker: “And here are your cookies.”

Me: “But… I didn’t order any.”

Worker: *smiles* “Your family comes in here all the time, and you’re always super polite. Go ahead. Besides, if nobody takes these we have to throw them out, anyway.”

Me: *smiles, too* “Well, are there any in particular you like?”

Worker: “I like the oatmeal raisin, myself.”

Me: *takes the oatmeal raisin cookies out and hands them to her* “Here, then.”

Worker: *takes them* “I… Thanks.”

Me: “No problem. Hope things get better.”

(I gave her about five dollars for a tip and helped her pick up the soda lids. Just shows you that a little kindness can go a long way sometimes.)

(I’m at the coffee shop at the airport, trying to get some breakfast.)

Me: “Small latte and plain bagel with cream cheese, please.”

Employee: “Small latte and…?”

Me: “Plain bagel with cream cheese.”

Employee: “Bagel?”

Me: “Yes, with cream cheese.”

Employee: “What type of bagel?”

Me: “Plain, with cream cheese.”

Employee: “So, you don’t want butter, or cream cheese, or anything?”

Me: “No, I want cream cheese.”

Employee: “Okay, and did you want a coffee?”