(My husband and I recently had our first child. My parents are in town to help. It’s worth noting that both hubby and I have dimples when we smile.)

Mother: *looking at my son* “He is so adorable. Look at these dimples. He got them from his dad. Such a beautiful boy.”

Me: “Are you sure that he got them from his dad and not mom?”

(The mother continues cooing over the baby. Two days later, my mother is looking at our photos above the fireplace.)

Mother: “Oh, you have dimples, too. Is it something new?”

Me: “Mother, I’ve had dimples my entire life. How did you manage to not notice them?”

Mother: “So, [Child] could have gotten the dimples from you? I thought that it was all his dad’s side… Are you sure that you’ve always had dimples?”

(Throughout college, I work as a receptionist at a student-oriented tutoring office. Finals week has just started, and my mind is running on high-stress autopilot mode as I handle the many last-minute calls from other students.)

Student: “So, my appointment will be with [Tutor]?”

Me: “Yes, at 2:00 this Tuesday, [date]. Just don’t forget to bring two printed copies of your paper.”

Student: “My roommate and I share a printer, so that won’t be a problem.”

Me: “All right, we’ll see you then. Call if you have any questions, and I love you.”  

(I automatically hang up the headset before even realizing what I just said.)

Me: “Oh, geez.”

(I guess the student understood because she evidently didn’t make a comment or complaint when she came in!)

Me: “Good evening! What can I get you guys to drink?”

Customer #1: “Steak.”

Customer #2: “Soup.”

Me: “Umm… okay, you know what? I’ll get you guys a menu in a second. Unfortunately, we don’t have steak on our menu right now, and we have two different kinds of soup. Could I get you something to drink first?”

Customer #1: “Yeah. A soda.”

Me: “Alrighty, what kind of soda?”

Customer #1: “Just a soda.”

(That was a long night.)

(It is close to Christmas, and I’ve asked my husband for pyjamas. He decides to go to a nearby store to see what they have. To his delight, there is a sign outside that says, “SATURDAY AND SUNDAY ONLY: all women’s sleepwear on sale, 50% off.” This is Saturday – perfect! He chooses a set and goes to pay for them. They ring up at the regular price.)

Husband: “Excuse me. That’s not correct; they should be 50% off.”

Cashier: “Well, that’s the price that’s coming up.”

Husband: “You’re having a sale on women’s sleepwear, though.”

Cashier: “No, we’re not.”

Husband: “Actually, you are.”

Cashier: “No, we’re not!”

Manager: “Is there a problem here?”

Cashier: “He says that women’s sleepwear is supposed to be on sale.”

Manager: “No, it’s not.”

Husband: *starting to get annoyed* “Then why does your sign outside say that it’s 50% off today and tomorrow?”

Manager: “What sign? There’s no sign.”

Husband: “If you look out the window here, you can see it.”

Manager: *barely glances out the window* “I don’t see a sign.”

Husband: “Would you like to come outside with me, and I’ll show you?”

(He isn’t really serious, but the manager takes him up on it, evidently thinking that she will be proven right.)

Manager: “Huh, look at that; there is a sign!” *goes back inside* “Okay, give him the sale price.”

(I told my husband later that if he’d really wanted to see the manager’s eyes bulge, he should have asked if they practice the Scanning Code Of Practice, because if they did, he should have either gotten the pyjamas for free or gotten $10 off, whichever would be less. He groaned and said that the whole ordeal was quite enough without doing THAT, thank you very much.)

(My parents are the first to visit me after I give birth to my son.)

Mum: “Ooh, he’s gorgeous. Have you chosen a name yet?”

Me: “Yes. His first name is [Son] and his second name is [My Dad].”

Dad: “Oh, how original. Do you know how many of your cousins have that as their second name? Oh, and your brother, too. Why don’t you just use [Husband]’s father’s name? He might like to have a grandson named after him.”

Me: “Okay, I will name him after [Husband]’s father if that will make you happy.”

(I can see my Mum biting her lip in an effort not to laugh.)

Dad: “Good. So, what is his name now?”

Me: “[Son] [My Dad], same name as before.”

Dad: “No, you haven’t changed it; you need to use [Father-In-Law’s abbreviated name]… Ohhhh. I’m a bit slow today, aren’t I?”

Mum: *bursts out laughing* “More than a bit! Did you forget you and [Father-In-Law] have the same name?”