I am celebrating December 24th with my boss and peers — a motley crew of different South American backgrounds. My boss, a forty-something Peruvian, closes the door and hangs the “I’ll be back in five minutes” sign up while his wife pops a bottle of champagne to celebrate.

The sign is completely futile, and my boss has to remind every other persistent passerby trying to pry open the door with their bare hands in the presence of the sign, in the next five minutes, that we’re closed.

This leads me to the conclusion that if you do this, you’re either too stupid or you do it on purpose.

(This happens close to Christmas. I come home to find a yellow card from [Delivery Company] taped to my door. It says that an item I ordered is being held at a nearby facility. I drive there right away to pick it up. Because of the time of year, the facility is very busy, and there are several customers ahead of me.)

Customer #1: “I’m here to pick up my item.”

Employee: “Do you have a yellow card from our company indicating that it would be here?”

Customer #1: “Uh, no.”

Employee: “Then it’s not here yet. Wait until you receive the yellow card. Next!”

Customer #2: “My item should be here, but I don’t have that yellow card.”

Employee: “Then it’s not here. Wait until you receive the yellow card. Next!”

Customer #3: “I don’t have that card, either–“

Employee: *growing visibly irritated* “Your item isn’t here until you get that card! NEXT!”

Me: “Hi–“

Employee: “YOUR ITEM ISN’T HERE!“

Me: *holds out card*

Employee: “WAIT UNTIL YOU GET THE CARD! NEXT!”

Me: “But… I do have the card.”

Employee: “What? Oh. One moment, please.”

(She had my sympathy.)

(I am the customer in this scenario. I have just walked up with my boyfriend to the doorman of the bar where my friend’s band is playing.)

Me: “Two adults, please?”

Doorman: “Uh…”

Me: “I’m not on the bus, am I?”

Boyfriend: “No, dear, you’re really not.”

Me: “I swear I’m sober!”

(I’m working drive-thru. Customers frequently ask for items that we don’t have, while meaning a different item. Sometimes we also have customers who know exactly what they want and order with one run-on sentence. Note that our screen at our drive-thru speaker is not working.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. What can I get for you?”

Customer: *talking fast with no breaks* “I want a bacon double cheeseburger in a combo, large, with a Coke, and another bacon double cheeseburger…”

(We have three different types of bacon cheeseburgers, but none of them are called that. At this point, I don’t know how long her order will be, and I can’t get a word in, so I have two options: I can either wait until she is finished and wager on my short-term memory recalling the rest of her order, or I can just pick one and hope it’s the right sandwich. I go with the latter, going with one of our premium sandwiches.)

Customer: “…and a small French fry, and that’s it.”

Me: “Okay, your total will be [about $16] at the first window.”

Customer: “That much? Can you read back what I have?”

Me: “I have a [sandwich] double combo, large, with a Coke, another [sandwich] double, and a small fry.”

Customer: “No, I wanted the [sandwich that’s about $3 cheaper].”

Me: *pause* “I’ll have your total for you at the first window.”

(I’m managing a chain retail store. Our location has been doing poorly for years, since the company built a larger, better-stocked location in a popular shopping center less than five minutes down the road. The lease has run out on my small location, and the company decides to shut it down. There are big red signs EVERYWHERE stating, “Store Closing! This Store Only!” A woman walks in with a pair of flip flops and some sunglasses.)

Customer: “I’d like to return these. They’re the wrong size for my daughter.”

Me: “Well, since we’re closing, we can’t accept returns. But our sister store in [Shopping Center] is staying open, and they can definitely handle a return or exchange for you!”

Customer: “What?! That is ridiculous! What am I supposed to do? These don’t fit. I need to exchange them. Why won’t you take them? This is horrible customer service!”

Me: “I can’t take any returns at this location, ma’am, because we’re closing. We don’t even have those items in our store anymore; they were all sent to [Shopping Center]. So, if you take the flip flops down there, they will exchange them for you. Just turn left out of the lot here, go straight down [Major Road both stores are located on], and it’s less than five minutes away.”

Customer: “You companies are all the same, just trying to screw us over! I bought them here. They don’t fit! I can’t do anything with shoes that don’t fit!”

(She storms away and browses the little merchandise we have left. I leave her alone for a few minutes and then go back over to her.)

Me: “Ma’am, are you finding anything you like? You know, you can still exchange or return your items. There’s still a [Chain Store] in [Shopping Center] right down the street.”

Customer: “Oh, I can return them at [Shopping Center]? Even though I bought them here? Oh! Well, then! That’s not too bad! Thanks for telling me!”

Related:
Refunder Blunder, Part 42
Refunder Blunder, Part 41
Refunder Blunder, Part 40