We Prefer Not To Watch Dr. Manhattan’s Project

, , , , , , | Right | February 4, 2010

Customer: “Hi, do you sell stuff from the Watchmen movie?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we don’t. Since the movie was rated R, there are no licensed Watchmen products marketed to children.”

Customer: “Well, do you know where I can find Watchmen stuff?”

Me: “Do you have something that you’re looking for in particular?”

Customer: “Well, my son’s school is having a superhero-themed day where all the kids are supposed to come to school in costume. My son wanted to go as Dr. Manhattan.”

Me: “Dr. Manhattan? Ma’am, do you know anything about him?”

Customer: “I know that he’s blue. Don’t you have anything at all?”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, Dr. Manhattan walks around completely naked. Part of the reason the movie is rated R is because you see… everything… when he’s on-screen.”

Customer: “Uh-huh. Do you think [Other Store] sells Watchmen stuff?”

Me: *giving up* “I’m sure it would be worth a shot…”


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Geographically Incontinent

, , , , | Right | February 4, 2010

Me: “Public library, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I have kind of a dumb question.”

Me: “Well, what’s your question?”

Caller: “I need to know what the seven continents are.”

Me: “Oh, that’s not a dumb question. Why don’t you tell me which ones you know and I’ll tell you which ones you’re missing.”

Caller: “Okay, thanks. Let’s see…North America, South America, Asia, Africa, France, Italy…”

Me: “Whoa, hold up. France and Italy aren’t continents.”

Caller: “Really?”

Me: “You said North America, South America, Asia, Africa… The ones you’re missing are Europe, Antarctica…”

Caller: *writing this down* “Okay…”

Me: “…and Australia.”

Caller: “Oh yeah! Austria! Okay, thanks so much.”


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All Signs Point To Duh, Part 2

, , , | Right | February 1, 2010

Customer: “I need to return these flowers. They died.”

Me: “This appears to be a bag of soil.”

Customer: “Well, I pulled them up a week ago, I guess they fell apart.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll just need your original receipt.”

Customer: “I don’t have a receipt.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but to return plants I’ll need a receipt.”

Customer: “Your signs say that you have a one-year guarantee!”

Me: “Yes, we do, but you have to keep your receipt because the price of plants changes so often.”

Customer: “I’d like to speak to a manager.”

(I call the manager of the garden center inside, and he tells the customer the exact same thing I did.)

Customer: “Well, you should really post it somewhere that you have to keep your receipt.”

Me: “It is posted in the–”

Customer: “Where? Somewhere no one can find, I bet!”

Me: “Actually, it’s posted in the garden center immediately outside the doors. It’s to the right.”

Customer: “In tiny letters, right!?”

Me: “No, the sign is about six feet tall. It’s also printed on the back of every receipt. I’m sorry if you missed it.”

Customer: “Well, I doubt anyone can find it. I’m shopping at [Competitor] from now on!” *starts to walk away*

Me: “Sir, you left your plants.”

Customer: “I don’t need a bag of dirt!”

(The customer tries to exit through the entrance doors. They don’t open automatically from the inside.)

Me: “Sir, those doors don’t open from this side.”

Customer: “Well, they shouldn’t say ‘EXIT’ on them, then, should they?”

Me: “The door actually says ‘NO EXIT’.”

Customer: “Hmph!”

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If You Can’t Bear Them, Join Them

, , , , , , , | Right | January 28, 2010

Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I like that little teddy bear with the sweater. How much is it?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, the teddy bear comes with this gift set of fragrance and body wash. It’s $30.”

Customer: “No. Just the bear.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I have no way to just ring up the bear as it comes with the gift set only.”

Customer: “Then how do I get the bear?”

Me: “Well, you would have to buy this gift set. It’s very popular and only $30.”

Customer: “No, thank you. I’ll just take the bear today. How much?”

Me: “Ma’am, we do have a good deal for the holidays. I can sell you the bear, for only $30, and not only that, but I will throw in this fragrance gift set, just for you.”

Customer: “Thank you so very much, dear!”


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By Then It Won’t Be So Modern

, , , | Right | January 26, 2010

Customer: “Do you have Modern Warfare 2?”

Me: “No, sorry, sir. We only sell pre-owned games.”

Customer: “So, it’s out of stock right now?”

Me: “No, sir. Since the game only came out yesterday we won’t have it in unless someone decides they don’t want it.”

Customer: “So, you don’t have it?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Customer: “When will you have it?”

Me: “In about two years.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll come back then.”

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