I Scream For Pizza

, , , | Right | December 14, 2009

(While working at a gelato shop in Rome, a tourist approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss! I’d like a pizza!”

Me: “We don’t sell pizza here. This is a gelato shop.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? This is Italy! Don’t you have pizza in Italy?”

Me: “Yes, we have pizza in Italy, but this is not a pizzeria, so we don’t sell pizza. There are pizzerias, though, if you look.”

Customer: “So this is Italy?”

Me: “Correct.”

Customer: “And this is a restaurant.”

Me: “Sort of, though we only sell the ice cream.”

Customer: “But this is ITALY.”

(After a few minutes of getting nowhere, my coworker attempts to help.)

Coworker: *jokingly* “Ma’am, if you want pizza, I can get you some for 100 euros.”

(100 euros is about $150 USD. Without hesitation, the customer pulls out two 50s and hands them to my coworker.)

Coworker: *hands the tourist the money back* “It’s okay, ma’am. Let me direct you to a nearby pizzeria…”

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Fido’s Fashion Emergency

, | Right | December 11, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pet Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, operator. Can you please connect me to [Pet Store]?”

Me: “This is [Pet Store], ma’am.”

Customer: “[Pet Store]! I NEED TO BE CONNECTED TO [Pet Store]!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is [Pet Store].”

Customer: “[Pet Store!] I NEED TO BE CONNECTED IMMEDIATELY! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is [Pet Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, this is [Pet Store]? I’d like to buy a doggie sweater.”

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Let’s Not Make Her A Real Angel

, , , , | Right | December 9, 2009

(A very small child of about four walks up to the slide at our pool.)

Me: “I am so sorry, sweetie, but you are a bit too small to go down the slide. Maybe next time!”

(The child leaves in hysterics, only to bring back her mother.)

Mother: “Why did you not let my angel go down the slide?”

Me: “She is under four feet tall.”

Mother: “Yes, I know. She’s an absolute angel.”

Me: “Our policy clearly states that we cannot let a child under four feet tall ride the slide. She could get seriously injured or possibly drown when she reaches the bottom.”

Mother: “Yes, I know, cute as a button!”

Me: “My manager can further explain this to you, but I can’t risk her safety.”

Mother: “But she is my angel!”

Me: “She’s also under four feet tall. She could die, ma’am.”

Mother: “Well, it’s not like she can help it! How dare you make my angel feel bad about her height!”

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Book You In For Six (Feet Under)

, , | Right | December 2, 2009

(My boss passed away earlier this year. Her phone forwards to mine so that I can redirect individuals that need assistance.)

Customer: “Hi, can I speak to Dr. [Boss]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, Dr. [Boss] passed away earlier this year. Is there something I can help you with instead?”

Customer: “No, I think I’ll just call back. When do you think she’ll be in?”

Me: “Ma’am, she passed away.”

Customer: “Right… so when will she be in?  Can I call back tomorrow?”

Me: “Ma’am, she’s dead.”

Customer: “Oh… how about Monday, then?”

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Location Is Clearly Not Your Vocation

, , , | Right | December 2, 2009

Me: “Policyholder service. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to change the beneficiary on my policy.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Do you have your policy number?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “That’s fine. “What is your name?”

(The customer gives me her name, but it’s common and we have several dozen policyholders with the same name. I need more information to find her policy.)

Me: “Okay. What state do you live in?”

Customer: “Springfield.”

(Unfortunately, we cannot sort or search by city names, only by states. I do a quick look and see more than one Springfield in different states.)

Me: “What state is that in?”

Customer: “Springfield.”

Me: “Springfield is the city that you’re in. What is the name of the state that you’re in?”

Customer: *slowly* “Spring. Field.”

Me: “That’s the city you’re in… What is the state?”

Customer: *annoyed* “The UNITED States!”

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