John Paul The Third (Time’s A Charm)

, , , | Right | December 4, 2010

Me: “Hi, Paul speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Who?”

Me: “Paul.”

Customer: “John?”

Me: “No, Paul.”

Customer: “John?”

Me: “No, Paul. P-A-U-L.”

Customer: “That’s not how you spell John!”

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Not The Only Thing In Need Of Maintenance

, , , , | Right | December 1, 2010

(We’re closed for maintenance, and have shut off all the exterior lights, including those in the drive-thru. We also put a sign on the drive-thru menu stating we’re closed. A car pulls into the drive-thru, and I put on a headset. All of this takes places via the drive-thru speaker.)

Me: “Hi, I’m sorry, but we’re currently closed for maintenance. Our other location down the street will be happy to serve you.”

Customer: “Hey, we just need a minute. Your lights are off, and it’s hard to see the menu.”

Me: “Sorry, I said we’re closed for maintenance. That’s why the lights are off.”

Customer: “Okay, we’re ready.”

Me: “Sorry, I said we’re closed. Our other store just a few blocks down the street will be happy to help.”

(The customer says their order.)

Customer: “Hello? Did you get that?”

Me: *gives up* “Welcome to [Restaurant]. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed due to the store being closed for maintenance. For service in English, please press one.” *switches to French* “Pour service en Francais, poussez le deux.” *switches to Spanish* “Para el servicio en Español, presione por favor el numero tres.”

(Faint laughter as the rest of the car’s passengers start laughing.)

Customer: “Uh…” *whispers* “What do I do?” *laughter from other passengers* “Uh… one?”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. Our hours of operation are 7:00 am to 3:00 am, except today, because we are closed… due… to… maintenance. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!”

(There was a squeal of tires as the car peeled away, the rest of the passengers killing themselves laughing.)

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Articulated Truck Drivers Aren’t Articulate

, , , | Right | October 25, 2010

(A truck driver walks up to the desk and stares at the wall behind me.)

Me: “Can… I help you?”

Driver: “Yeaaaaa…” *waits ten seconds, looks behind him, looks back at me, waits another five seconds* “I don’t have my shipment numbers.”

Me: “Well, where are they?”

Driver: “They’re in the truck.”

Me: “They’re in the truck?”

Driver: “Yup.”

Me: “So you left the truck with the numbers inside, walked all the way through the property, and up to my desk to tell me you left the numbers in the truck?”

Driver: “Yeaaaaaaa.” *stares at the wall again*

Me: “You want to go get them?”

Driver: “Get what?”

Me: “Are you filming this?”

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Stop Bean Stupid

, , , | Right | September 24, 2010

Customer: “I’d like one cappuccino.”

Me: “Oh, sorry, we’re out of coffee today.”

Customer: “That’s okay, I’d only like a cappuccino.”

Me: “The cappuccino has coffee in it.”

Customer: “Can’t you just make it without it?”

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Rich Has Checked Out

, , , | Right | September 23, 2010

(This is an independent bank with only four loan officers.)

Me: “Here’s your receipt. Are you all set?”

Customer: “I need to speak with my loan officer for a minute.”

Me: “Okay, that’s Joe. Let me check if he’s available.”

Customer: “No! Rich is my loan officer.”

Me: “No, Joe is. He talked to you last week, remember? Tall guy with a moustache?”

Customer: “Rich has been my loan officer for eight years. I want to speak with him!”

Me: “Rich died three years ago.”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “So, I’ll get Joe?’”

Customer: “Right, Joe.”

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