We can only allow one customer at a time into the shop. We have opened another door and set up a one-way system so customers who are leaving do not have to squeeze past those waiting to enter.

The one-person limit is clearly posted at the door, and the one-way system is marked with numerous arrows, and yet I have to explain and remind customers all day long. I am checking out [Customer #1] while keeping an eye on the door.

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, could you please wait outside for a moment? We are only allowed to have one customer in here at a time.”

[Customer #2] steps back outside. I finish with [Customer #1], direct them to the exit, and beckon to [Customer #2] to come in.

Customer #2: “I am so sorry, I should have checked! I really should know; I work at the pharmacy and we are constantly reminding people, as well.”

We commiserate a bit as I’m helping her, and I help her carry her items to the exit.

Customer #2: “Thank you so much, and have a nice day, and… I’m trying to think of what exactly to wish you.”

Me: “Pleasant and attentive customers?”

Customer #2: “Yes, may you have many of those!”

Then, I called in [Customer #3], an elderly man, quickly helped him, cashed him out, and finished with, “Have a nice day, and please leave through the other door over there.”

[Customer #3] took a step back and tripped over a display, knocking several vases to the floor and almost falling himself, and then left the shop… through the entrance.

So much for “attentive customers.”

I’m in my local grocery store, using their rewards card machine. A woman at the bakery counter nearby wants to pay with a debit card via NFC (contactless payment). The debit machine keeps making an error sound.

Customer: “Why is it not working?”

Employee: “I’m not sure. Let’s just try it again.”

The employee cancels the payment and starts again. The customer holds her card close to the machine again, and again she gets an error sound.

Customer: “What’s going on? I always pay like this and never had a problem before.”

Employee: “It’s been working fine all day. I don’t know what’s wrong. Let’s try one more time.” *Glances at the growing line at the counter*

They try again, and it still does not work. The customer is getting frustrated.

Customer: “This can’t be. There’s money on my account. I always pay like this. It must be your stupid machine. Why doesn’t it work?!”

I look over and notice something.

Me: “Because that’s not a debit card.”

The customer looks at the card in her hand, which turns out to be her healthcare ID.

Customer: “Huh? Oh. OH! Sorry.”

I usually wear a necklace that’s a Leaf of Lorien from “Lord Of The Rings.” It’s nothing fancy; actually, it used to be part of a bookmark that broke and I liked it enough that I just threaded a chain through the charm. Most people comment on it because they think it looks like a marijuana leaf and they want to know why I’m advertising it.

I meet up with a couple of friends at a local sandwich shop. I get my sandwich made and go to pay and the cashier looks up at me.

Cashier: “Oh, that’s a pretty necklace!”

Me: “Thanks. It used to be a bookmark and I turned it into the necklace when the bookmark broke.”

Cashier: “That’s fun! What is it?”

Me: “It’s a Leaf of Lorien.”

Cue a blank look from the cashier

Me: “From Lord Of The Rings.”

Cashier: “Is that like Harry Potter?”

Me: “Um, no? It’s Lord Of The Rings. You know, Frodo, the One Ring, Gandalf?”

Cashier: “Oh! Is that Star Wars?”

Me: “Um, no? It’s like Lord Of The Rings. You know, Mordor? It was a book series and there’ve been several movies.”

Cashier: “Oh, yeah, I watch TV!”

She grinned at me and I just smiled and paid for my food, joining my friends. To this day, I’m still not sure if she was trying to flirt with me or if she was really that clueless.

I’m about five, and I’m in the car with my grandparents heading to a forest. A very well-known family frequents the area. Whilst it’s an area Grandpa lived in for a long period of time, he can’t remember how to get there. We’re surrounded by trees, though, so we’re likely to be close. There’s someone in a swept-up land rover behind us.

Grandpa: “I’ll ask that man behind for directions.”

Granny: *Alarmed* “I don’t think that’s a good idea!”

Grandpa: “It’s fine. I must know him; I recognise his face!”

He does just that and approaches the land rover. Then, men in suits just appear from the trees and the surrounding area. Loads of them. Grandpa freezes. I ask Granny who they are and she says they’re security.

Security: “Sir, please return to your vehicle.”

Grandpa: “But we’re lost. We want to get to [Forest].”

Security: *Pauses* “You’re in the forest. Stay on this road and you’ll get to the car park.”

Grandpa: “Oh. Right. Okay.”

He gets back to the car and heads off. There’s a long stretch of silence.

Granny: *Imitating Grandpa* “‘I must know him; I recognise his face!'” *Crossly* “That was Prince Edward, you idiot!”

I’m in the first window of the drive-thru. I hear the ding indicating a customer is at the speaker and answer it.

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi. I have this coupon and I wanted to know if I could use it for iced coffees?”

Me: “Okay, ma’am! Could you read out the coupon for me?”

She reads mostly stuff I can’t hear due to the quality of the speakers and the multiple cars.

Customer: “…iced coffees.”

Me: *Dying a little inside* “Okay, ma’am, yes, you can use it for an iced coffee.”

Customer: “Oh, lovely. Could I get a large or can I only get a medium?”

Me: “Well, what does the coupon say?”

Customer: “It says, ‘any size’.”

I’m resisting the urge to bang my head against the metal shelving around my register.

Me: “Yes, ma’am, you can use it for a large.”