No One Knows What’s In Store

, , , , , | Working | December 4, 2017

(I’m the dumb employee in this story. I work at a craft supply store, but I used to work at a home improvement store. It was only a matter of time until something like this happened.)

Me: *answering the phone* “Thank you for calling [Home Improvement Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Wait, this is [Home Improvement Store]? I thought I was calling [Craft Store]!”

Me: “Oh, God. Yes. It is. You are. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “You used to work at [Home Improvement Store], didn’t you?”

Me: “What told you?”

(The customer asks whether we carry a specific item. I tell him we do, and that is that… until about half an hour later, when a man walks in with a big grin on his face and spots me at the front end.)


(It was the same guy! I’m pretty sure I turned bright red, but I also laughed.)

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Screaming Your Lungs Out

, , , , , | Right | December 4, 2017

(Despite the fact that we are a retail shipping center, NOT actually [Major Shipping Company], we get a high volume of callers who think we are the shipping company and want us to locate their packages. The following conversation happens over the phone.)

Customer: “I was supposed to receive my new phone from [Phone Company] by 3:00 pm today, and it’s already after 3:00!”

(It’s only about 2:45.)

Me: “Was the item shipped out from our store here in [Location]?”

Customer: “No! It was shipped from [Phone Company]! Are you listening to me?!”

Me: “If it wasn’t shipped out from our store, unfortunately, there is nothing I can do for you. We don’t have anything to do with the drivers or deliveries. I can give you [Shipping Company]’s customer service number, though, and they should be able to help you.”

Customer:I need my phone! I have a rare lung condition and my lungs are suffocating me alive!”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. Do you have a pen and paper to write down that number?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have a God-d**** f****** pen or paper. Now you’re going to make me go find those WHILE I’M DYING BECAUSE I’M BEING SUFFOCATED BY MY LUNGS! F****** ridiculous! And I can’t find a pen, so now I have to use a piece of s*** marker. I have a lung disease!”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry to hear that. So that number is 1-800—”

(At this point, I’ve got the phone an arm’s length away and can still hear him clearly.)

Customer: *screaming into the phone* “I CAN’T CALL AN 800 NUMBER! I’M BEING SUFFOCATED AND I CAN’T CALL 9-1-1 WITHOUT MY NEW PHONE!”

Me: “I cannot locate your phone for you. Let me give you the customer service number and tell you how to get a live person, and they should be able to help you.”

Customer: “FINE! Give me the f****** phone number so I can call them about my new phone!”

(I give the customer the number and tell them how to get a hold of a live person.)

Customer: “I’m probably going to die before I get my new phone, thanks to you! Now I have to call someplace else, and I can’t even call 9-1-1 because I don’t have new phone to do it with! I AM SUFFOCATING ALIVE BECAUSE I HAVE A RARE LUNG DISEASE AND YOU DON’T CARE THAT I CAN’T CALL FOR HELP! I AM GOING TO DIE BECAUSE I CAN’T CALL 9-1-1!”

Me: “I really hope you’re able to get the phone situation resolved soon, sir. Good luck and have a great rest of the day.”

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Periodically Stupid

, , , , , | Working | December 3, 2017

(For the past few months, I have been having heavy periods and horrific pain, so bad that I ended up going to A&E twice in one week. Eventually, I get a gynaecology appointment, a month after my emergency trips, though at a hospital I have never been to. However, it is the earliest available date and I need it. After a few questions…)

Doctor: “Do you use birth control?”

Me: “No. I’ve never had sex. It causes me so much pain that I have to stop immediately. I can’t even have physical examinations, because the smallest equipment hurts so much.”

Doctor: “Is there any chance that you are pregnant?”

Me: “…”

(I’m now waiting for another appointment to pop up.)

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Children Should Be Not Seen And Not Heard

, , , | Related | December 2, 2017

(It’s about 9:30 pm, and I’m coming home from a meeting with the youth club where I volunteer. I’ve just come inside when my mom comes up the stairs from the basement. She freezes when she sees me, looking like a deer in headlights. Note: my mom is easily fatigued because of health reasons, and always takes at least one nap a day.)

Me: *jokingly* “You didn’t have to lock me out.”

Mom: “You’ve been out?”

Me: *now puzzled* “Yes, I was at [Youth Club].”

Mom: “Oh, you must’ve left while I was sleeping. I could’ve sworn you’ve been in your room all night.”

Me: “I’ve been gone for four hours!”

(My bedroom door is almost always left open, as my parents keep poking their heads in about every fifteen minutes, anyway. Except for when I’m gone without their knowledge, apparently.)

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Makes You Want To Take Medical Leave

, , , , , | Right | December 1, 2017

(Our manager is taken sick at work and we have to call an ambulance. As a result, we’re closing early. Although we’ve put signs up, no one reads them, so I am standing at the door asking people not to come inside. Our shop is in the same building as a bookshop, which is remaining open.)

Me: “Sorry, guys, we’re closing early today, due to our manager being unwell.”

Customer: “I just want a hot chocolate.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re closing, and all the machines are being turned off.”

(As she is launching into a rant, the ambulance pulls up and paramedics go inside.)

Customer: “But I want a hot chocolate! No one else sells this hot chocolate! Can’t you just pour out some you’ve already made?”

Me: “We don’t have any made up right now; everything has been cleared away.”

(She looks at the sign, which says the bookshop is remaining open.)

Customer: “Where is [Bookshop] then?”

Me: “It’s just next door.”

(She peers through the door at the displays.)

Customer: “Oh. I thought you were trying to help me find another cafe. The least you could do is put a sign up.”

(She walked away in a huff, and people kept coming to the door and asking why we were closed, even whilst they could see the paramedics inside!)

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