I handle the phones for a lawn spraying company. We treat for weeds or insects. We do not offer mowing or yard work of any other kind. The title of the company has the word “lawn” in it, but the rest suggests pretty heavily that this is a chemical spraying company.

Every year, when the advertisements go out, the phones begin to ring.

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling.”

Caller #1: “Yeah, I need my yard mowed once a week. How much would that be?”

Me: “We actually don’t offer that service, but I can recommend a few companies near you. Which city are you in?”

Caller #1: “I’ve had folks before who did a crap job. I want it mowed on the diagonal. Straight lines. Every week.”

Me: “As I said, we are a weed control company; we do not mow lawns. I do have the name and number of trusted folks who do that I’d be happy to share.”

Caller #1: “And edging. I have a fence around back and the curved sidewalk up front needs to be edged.”

Me: “Yes, but we don’t do—”

Caller #1: “And don’t leave clippings on the yard or the sidewalk. I want it all cleaned up.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I understand. But you are asking for something we don’t offer. We are a—”

Caller #1: “You don’t sweep?! What kind of company are you?!”

Me: “We are a chemical company. We do not mow or edge. We apply products to the lawn to keep weeds away. We fertilize lawns. We also offer several options of pest control.”

Caller #1: “So, how much would it cost to mow my lawn?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir, as we do not offer that service. We do not mow lawns.”

Caller #1: “Your ad says you do!”

Me: “Can I ask where you are seeing this ad? I’ll look into why there is an error.”

Caller #1: “It says [Company] Lawn & Pest.”

Me: “Yes. That is the name of the company. If you’ll notice, the tag line says, ‘Kiss your weeds good-bye.’”

Caller #1: “That’s false advertising!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there anyth—”

The caller hangs up. Within seconds, I get my next call.

Caller #2: “I’d like a quote on services, please.”

Me: “Great! And you are looking for fertilization and weed control, is that correct?”

Caller #2: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. If you give me your address, I can measure your lawn from here and give you an exact quote.”

Caller #2: “It is [address].”

Me: “Okay. I’ve measured your lawn to be just under 4,000 square feet, so we can treat that for—”

Caller #2: “No! My house is less than 2,000 square feet.”

Me: “I’m looking at it from an aerial view and it measures to just under 4,000 square feet. It would be—”

Caller #2: “NO! My house is only about 1,800 square feet.”

Me: “Sir, I’m measuring your yard, not your house.”

Caller #2: “My house is not over 2,000 square feet.”

Me: “I understand. But we will be treating the yard, so I have measured the yard. The yard is just under 4,000 square feet, so the cost for treatment would be…”

Caller #2: “What about only the front yard? What would that be?”

Me: “All right. Let me re-measure. Okay, the front yard is less than 2,000 square feet. Since our lowest price is just under what it costs for your whole yard, it would be a savings of only—”

Caller #2: “Thank you.” *Click*

It would have been only $4 less for the front yard but he never let me give him any figures at all.

Related:
Wish You Could Weed Out The Bad Customers

I work in the deli section of a chain of gas stores. We make anything from hotdogs and sandwiches to pizza and Stromboli. I’m a few weeks into doing deli work, so I am still kind of slow trying to learn everything and often unsure of my abilities.

While I’m working alone on a particularly slow Sunday afternoon, a guy in his late twenties comes to me for something on the go.

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Store]. My name’s [My Name]. What can I get for you?”

The guy looks at our menu for a few moments.

Customer: “I’d like a large ham sub.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We only have one size.”

Customer: “Okay, the largest you have.”

I assume he just said that out of habit.

Me: “Okay, what kind of bread?”

Customer: “White.”

Me: “Okay, sure. Lettuce? Tomato? Mayo?”

Customer: “American cheese, lettuce, tomato, and pickles.”

Me: “Sure thing!” 

I start opening the containers for vegetables and cheese he wants and begin slicing the bread in half as he just stands there, seemingly looking at the menu or at me prepping stuff, and not saying anything. 

In general, people want either mustard or mayo on their sandwich/sub and sometimes get rather upset if I mess up. Before assembling the sub, I ask again about the condiment. 

Me: “So, did you want mayo or mustard?”

Customer: *Still with his mind elsewhere* “Yes!”

Me: *Thinking he misunderstood the question* “Sorry, did you want mayo or mustard on your sub?”

Customer: *Answering without any hint of confusion* “Yes!”

Before I can find a better phrasing to confirm that it is one or the other, he walks off and disappears out of sight and shouting distance and leaves me there trying to think on what exactly he wants.

Afraid of screwing it up and/or getting yelled at for not knowing what he really wants, I quickly ask another coworker walking around nearby and stocking stuff on shelves for help.

Coworker: “Don’t worry about it. Just give him both.”

Me: “You sure?”

Coworker: “Yes. He either wants both or is too stupid to stick around and give you a straight answer!”

Taking her advice, I assembled the sub with everything — half mayo, half mustard — wrapped it up, and rang out his order.

The customer came back maybe ten minutes later and grabbed his food with little more than a “Thanks!” before walking out the door.

Apparently, he had been acting in a similarly “out of sorts” manner while at the front register. He didn’t appear to be intoxicated or on drugs and may have just had an off day.

Looking back, I should’ve been a little more assertive and tried harder for a straight answer, but he never came back to complain, so maybe he did want both. It did give us something to laugh about for a while after that, though.

I am sofa shopping. I’m only really in the store to check out how they look in person. I already know the styles I’m interested in and the costs. I have refused assistance twice, but unfortunately, my phone, which has all the names and measurements, is playing up. 

A third sales guy seems to sense this and sneaks up behind me.

Sales Guy: “Can I help?”

I’m still struggling with my phone.

Me: “Actually, maybe. I am looking for a sofa that is no wider than 228 cm, available in grey, and under £800.”

Sales Guy: “Hmm… I’m sure I can help you with that. Did you have a budget in mind?”

Me: “Under £800.”

Sales Guy: “Okay, that’s great. How about this one here?”

He leads me to a sofa that looks massive.

Me: “That looks pretty big. Are you sure it’s under 228?”

He doesn’t answer, so I grab my tape measure.

Me: “No, way too big.”

Sales Guy: “You could always try it and return it if it doesn’t fit.”

Me: “Err, no, I know it’s not going to fit.”

Sales Guy: “Okay, then. How about this one?”

Me: “It’s way over budget.”

Sales Guy: “We offer finance?”

Me: “You know what? I’m okay, actually. I will have to talk to my wife, anyway.”

Sales Guy: “Okay, whenever you’re ready to buy, just ask for me and I can help you further.”

You haven’t helped me at all so far, but okay. We ended up buying online at a different store. Way to screw yourself out of commission.

I am working in the evening at a sandwich shop and answer the phone.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Sandwich Shop]. How can I help?”

Caller: “Yeah, we just came through the drive-thru and you guys messed up every single sandwich.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but—”

Caller: “No! You don’t interrupt me, you let me finish!”

Me: “But, ma’am—”

Caller: “No, you listen here! We asked for only tomatoes and peppers on my husband’s sandwich, and you guys put on every topping under the sun!”

Me: “If I may—”

Caller: “No! You let me finish!”

It is totally dead and I am working alone, so I just half-listen to her rant about all the things that are wrong with the sandwiches and how we were so incompetent.  

Caller: “Now, what do you have to say for yourselves?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, as I tried to tell you, this location does not have a drive-thru.”

Caller: “What do you mean? Isn’t this the store at the corner of First and Main?”

Me: “No, we’re at the corner of Fifth and Main.”

Caller: “Well, what’s their number?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have it. They’re owned by a different franchisee.”

This is pre-smartphone days so I can’t look it up.

Caller: “Well, that’s just great!” *Hangs up angrily*

During the latest health crises and civil unrest, most firearms stores have been completely wiped out of product. This is particularly true for states with heavy restrictions on what they can have.

As a sales rep for a firearms wholesaler, I am well aware of the desperation of many of these dealers. They are trying to stay in business and cannot get product to sell. One of my restricted state customers knows by now that I only call him if I have guns that are okay to ship to him.

Customer: “I’ll take it.”

Me: “Great!”

Customer: “Matter of fact, I’ll take two.”

Me: “Perfect! That’s exactly how many I have. And one of the other.”

Customer: “Fantastic! Get them here as soon as you can!”

Me: “On it!”

Customer: “Thank you so much. Now, what did I buy?”

Twenty years on the job, and this was by far the easiest and most memorable sales call ever.