Going From A Virgin To A Bloody Mary

, , , , , , | Right | November 20, 2017

(As a part-time job, during school, I work in a call centre in Montreal, Canada. We offer medical appointment software and managing for medical clinics. Most of our clients are doctors or medical clinic workers. Because of the name of the company, people mistakenly call us thinking we offer medical advice on the phone. The government has something called INFO-HEALTH who does that.)

Me: “Welcome to [Company]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I think I f***** up.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead; I am listening.”

Caller: “Okay, and believe me, this is not a joke.” *I actually hear someone groaning in pain behind him and have a feeling this is NOT a joke* “My name is [Caller]. I’m 16 years old. My girlfriend and I just tried having sex for the first time, and I think I went too hard on her. Her hip seems to be broken; she can’t move. What can I do?”

Me: “I would recommend that you call 911 right away and have EMTs bring her to the hospital.”

Caller: “Okay, but isn’t there something you think I can give her to ease the pain?”

Me: “I am really sorry, but since I am not a trained medical technician, there is no medical advice I can give you. What we do here is offer medical software managing for clinics. I believe you mistook us for INFO-HEALTH.”

Caller: “Didn’t I just call INFO-HEALTH?”

Me: “No, sir, you’ve reached [Company]. If you want to reach INFO-HEALTH to get some info, the number is [number].”

Caller: “Okay, but in the meantime, have you ever experienced something like this? What would you do?”

Me: “Again, there is no medical advice that I can give you, but honestly, I would personally recommend that next time, you go a little gentler on your girlfriend. And again, right now I strongly advise that you hang up and call 911 right away; your girlfriend really seems to be in pain.”

Caller: “You really can’t do anything?”

Me: “Yes, I can tell you again to call 911!”

Caller: “You’re a f****** useless piece of junk. Never mind! I’ll call 911.” *click*

(After exploding in laughter, I submitted this to our “Funniest Calls” list, which we play every year during our Christmas get-together, and I won the contest by a landslide.)

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Not A Turn-Up For The Books

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2017

(I work the front desk at a university library. The actual library building is fairly large and includes a small food court on the basement floor. One day, two girls walk up to the front desk:)

Customer #1: “Hi, do you all have food here?”

Me: *thinking she’s referring to the food court* “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

Customer #1: “Great! Can I get a meatball sub, to go, please?”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Ma’am… This is a library. If you want food, the food court is downstairs.”

Customer #2: *hitting her friend on the arm* “You idiot! I told you!”

Customer #1: “What?! He said there was food!”

(They started giggling and walked downstairs.)

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Hoping It Was Some Off-Brand Humor

, , , | Working | November 20, 2017

(My mother has recently moved to a new area. Unfortunately, a week after moving she gets a bad bout of thrush. She goes to the local parade of shops where she has been told there is a pharmacy. Behind the counter is a younger woman dressed in the white coat of a pharmacist.)

Mother: *quietly, as she’s a little embarrassed* “Hello, I was wondering if I could buy some clotrimazole?”

Cashier: “Sorry, madam, I didn’t quite catch that. What were you after?”

Mother: “Clotrimazole, please?”

(The cashier is looking very confused at this point.)

Cashier: “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that.”

Mother: “Clotrimazole, generic [Brand]?”

(The cashier at this point turns to her older colleague. My mother is getting frustrated as she is already embarrassed, and thrush is a fairly common problem, so she should be aware of at least the branded version.)

Older Colleague: “[Brand]? I don’t believe I’m familiar with that.”

Younger Cashier: “Is it for cats or dogs?”

(My mother just turned and walked out, too embarrassed to explain. The pharmacy was next door!)

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You’re The Reason Why We Need To Repeat Your Order

, , , , , | Right | November 20, 2017

(I work at a fast food place. A customer walks up to the counter and stares at the overhead menu board.)

Customer: “I want the bundle; what comes in the bundle?”

(I tell her what it comes with, which does not include fries.)

Customer: “Yeah, I’ll take that!”

(I finish taking her order and hand her her drink cups.)

Customer: “What are you doing with those? Aren’t you supposed to get my drinks?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We have a self-serve station for beverages.”

Customer: “Well, I’m going to use the restroom. Can’t you get them for me?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m not allowed out from behind the counter while I’m working.”

Customer: “Then use the drive-thru machine.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. The drive-thru is very busy and I cannot use their machine.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not asking you to!”

(She takes her cups and fills them up before using the restroom. Her bundle is ready before she comes out so I watch it for her. When she comes out, she marches to the box and begins searching it.)

Customer: “Where are my fries?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. It doesn’t come with fries.”

Customer: “What? I didn’t know it didn’t come with fries! Why didn’t you tell me? Customers don’t know what they’re ordering! That makes it your job to inform them what they order!”

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So Tight You Can Never Take Them Off Again

, , , , , | Right | November 20, 2017

(I am the customer in this story. I am a sophomore in high school and I’m really into the whole goth scene. I purchase a pair of pants from a gothic clothing store in the mall. I go to the ladies’ room in the food court to put them on, but they are really tight. So, still wearing the pants, I return to the store. I approach the counter.)

Me: “Hey, I just bought these pants and they are a little too tight. Can I exchange them?”

Cashier: *looks me in the face, looks down at the pants that I am wearing, looks back up at my face* “You’re wearing them, dude.”

Me: “…”

(I ran off. I was too embarrassed to even go take them off and put my old ones on and come back. Out of sheer embarrassment, I just kept the too-tight pants I wasn’t able to wear. As a side note though, it was the push I needed, and less than a year later I’d lost enough weight to fit in them!)

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