Offensive Enough To Cause Injury

, , , , , , | Right | November 21, 2017

(One of my employees, a high-school-aged girl, is walking home from her shift on Saint Patrick’s day when she is hit by a drunk driver. She returns to work a week later, battered but in good spirits. During her first shift back, I hear yelling coming from the fitting room, and an irate customer comes storming out.)

Customer: “Your corporate’s number, now!”

(As I’m writing down the info, I see my high school employee sobbing and leaving the fitting room.)

Me: “I’m the manager on duty, ma’am; may I ask what the issue is you want to speak to corporate about?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you let punks like that work here! Gobs of black eyeliner! Facial piercings! This used to be a respectable place!”

Me: “Ma’am, my employee was injured. Those are bruises and metal staples put there by the hospital.”

Customer: “Excuses!”

(She snatched the slip out of my hand and stormed out. Corporate handed down a disciplinary write up to my employee for being out of dress code. I’ve been petitioning to have it overturned, but as her appearance offended a customer, it will probably stand and could risk her job.)

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Doesn’t Listen Before Breakfast, Or After

, , , , | Right | November 21, 2017

(I am second in line at a chain fast food restaurant. I hear the following conversation.)

Cashier: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I want a [burger meal].”

Cashier: “Right now we are serving breakfast. If you wait six minutes, I can serve you.”

Customer: “Why won’t you serve me?”

Cashier: “The computer wont let me enter lunch items until after 11:00.”

Customer: “Then I will have [chicken sandwich meal].”

Cashier: “That is a lunch item; I can’t sell that for five minutes now.”

Customer: “How about a [fish sandwich meal]?”

Cashier: “Look at the menu screens.”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Cashier: “When they change over to lunch items, you can order one.”

Customer: “I understand now. I will have a [burger meal].”

Cashier: “Not for five minutes.”

Customer: “You are lying; they just took French fries out.” *points to fryer*

Cashier: “We are starting to cook the food, but we can’t sell it for four minutes now.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Cashier: “The computer wont let me.”

Customer: “Okay, I will have a [burger meal].”

(This goes on until 11:00 rolls over.)

Cashier: “Now you can order a lunch item.”

Customer: “I will have a [burger meal].”

Cashier: “Anything else?”

Customer: “And a [breakfast item].”

Cashier: “We can’t sell those after 11:00.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Cashier: “I’ll make you a deal: if they have any [breakfast item]s left, I will have them throw whatever we have left in your order for free, because I can’t sell them to you.”

Customer: “Why is it free?”

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Going From A Virgin To A Bloody Mary

, , , , , , | Right | November 20, 2017

(As a part-time job, during school, I work in a call centre in Montreal, Canada. We offer medical appointment software and managing for medical clinics. Most of our clients are doctors or medical clinic workers. Because of the name of the company, people mistakenly call us thinking we offer medical advice on the phone. The government has something called INFO-HEALTH who does that.)

Me: “Welcome to [Company]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I think I f***** up.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead; I am listening.”

Caller: “Okay, and believe me, this is not a joke.” *I actually hear someone groaning in pain behind him and have a feeling this is NOT a joke* “My name is [Caller]. I’m 16 years old. My girlfriend and I just tried having sex for the first time, and I think I went too hard on her. Her hip seems to be broken; she can’t move. What can I do?”

Me: “I would recommend that you call 911 right away and have EMTs bring her to the hospital.”

Caller: “Okay, but isn’t there something you think I can give her to ease the pain?”

Me: “I am really sorry, but since I am not a trained medical technician, there is no medical advice I can give you. What we do here is offer medical software managing for clinics. I believe you mistook us for INFO-HEALTH.”

Caller: “Didn’t I just call INFO-HEALTH?”

Me: “No, sir, you’ve reached [Company]. If you want to reach INFO-HEALTH to get some info, the number is [number].”

Caller: “Okay, but in the meantime, have you ever experienced something like this? What would you do?”

Me: “Again, there is no medical advice that I can give you, but honestly, I would personally recommend that next time, you go a little gentler on your girlfriend. And again, right now I strongly advise that you hang up and call 911 right away; your girlfriend really seems to be in pain.”

Caller: “You really can’t do anything?”

Me: “Yes, I can tell you again to call 911!”

Caller: “You’re a f****** useless piece of junk. Never mind! I’ll call 911.” *click*

(After exploding in laughter, I submitted this to our “Funniest Calls” list, which we play every year during our Christmas get-together, and I won the contest by a landslide.)

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Not A Turn-Up For The Books

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2017

(I work the front desk at a university library. The actual library building is fairly large and includes a small food court on the basement floor. One day, two girls walk up to the front desk:)

Customer #1: “Hi, do you all have food here?”

Me: *thinking she’s referring to the food court* “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

Customer #1: “Great! Can I get a meatball sub, to go, please?”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Ma’am… This is a library. If you want food, the food court is downstairs.”

Customer #2: *hitting her friend on the arm* “You idiot! I told you!”

Customer #1: “What?! He said there was food!”

(They started giggling and walked downstairs.)

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Hoping It Was Some Off-Brand Humor

, , , | Working | November 20, 2017

(My mother has recently moved to a new area. Unfortunately, a week after moving she gets a bad bout of thrush. She goes to the local parade of shops where she has been told there is a pharmacy. Behind the counter is a younger woman dressed in the white coat of a pharmacist.)

Mother: *quietly, as she’s a little embarrassed* “Hello, I was wondering if I could buy some clotrimazole?”

Cashier: “Sorry, madam, I didn’t quite catch that. What were you after?”

Mother: “Clotrimazole, please?”

(The cashier is looking very confused at this point.)

Cashier: “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that.”

Mother: “Clotrimazole, generic [Brand]?”

(The cashier at this point turns to her older colleague. My mother is getting frustrated as she is already embarrassed, and thrush is a fairly common problem, so she should be aware of at least the branded version.)

Older Colleague: “[Brand]? I don’t believe I’m familiar with that.”

Younger Cashier: “Is it for cats or dogs?”

(My mother just turned and walked out, too embarrassed to explain. The pharmacy was next door!)

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