Your Mouth Will Get You Into Trouble

, , , , | Working | September 20, 2017

(I’ve just had a root canal and tooth extraction. I also have TMD [Temporomandibular joint dysfunction] and it’s difficult to anaesthetise my gums, resulting in a swollen jaw on the side that wasn’t worked on, and the maximum dose of anaesthetic being used to just taper off the pain. I’m not the happiest of bunnies while leaving the dentist. I’m making my way home, walking through the main street of my town when a woman holding a clipboard points at me from about 20 metres away. I try to avoid her but she cuts me off.)

Woman: “Got a minute, dude?”

Me: *walking around her* “No, sorry. I’ve just been to the dentist—”

Woman: *cutting me off again* “No worries, mate. You don’t have to talk.”

(I decide to just let her sell whatever crap she’s pushing and get it over with. I shrug and nod.)

Woman: “GREAT! First question: how old are you?”

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Even Though The Sound Of It Is Something Quite Atrocious

, , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I work in a well-known office supply store. We also have a print department. We get a lot of customers that have no idea what they need and hope we can help them with everything by reading their minds and making things magically appear. This happens one day when a middle-aged man walks up to the copy center counter.)

Me: “Hi. What brings you in today?”

Customer: “My daughter is getting married.” *stares expectantly at me*

Me: “Congratulations! Were you looking to have some printing done for the wedding? We do invitations, table cards, large photo prints—”

Customer: *interrupting* “I need everything you do!” *again stares at me*

Me: “Oh, we don’t really do wedding packages; we just have hundreds of printing capabilities. If you could let me know what exactly you need us to do for the wedding, I can get you prices and options—”

Customer: “Yes, let me see your flowers, and a list of your wedding helpers.”

Me: “Flowers? You mean designs that have flowers on them? And I’m sorry; I am not sure what you mean by ‘wedding helpers.’”

Customer: *getting angry* “No! I want everything for a wedding! Flowers, bands, food, printing, everything!*squints at me intensely*

Me: “Oh, I see. Well, we are an office supply store, so all we do for weddings is printing services. Unfortunately we do not do wedding planning or have food or bands or—”


Me: *trying to not get mad at this point* “Sir, please listen to what I am trying to say. We are an OFFICE supply store, we do not do—”


(I recognize that this customer isn’t listening to a thing I say, so I decide to throw him for a loop, as this usually gets mad customers’ attention long enough to resolve the issue or make them leave.)

Me: “I am the manager on duty, sir. Can I ask you a question?”

Customer: “YOUR BOSS NOW! I AM FILING A COMPLAINT!” *more hand-banging on counter*

Me: *looks directly into the customer’s eyes* “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”

Customer: “No! Listen! I want… wait, what?!”

Me: *looks directly into the customer’s eyes again and smiles* “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

Customer: *stares at me, confused* ” Um, I’m sorry. I don’t understand? Is that a foreign language?”

Me: “No, sir, but we do not do wedding planning, or have flowers, food, or anything like that for you. The only thing I can do that you need is wedding invitations. I suggest you contact a wedding planning company; they can help you with all the wedding things you need. WE CANNOT HELP YOU WITH THAT BECAUSE WE ARE AN OFFICE SUPPLY STORE THAT SELLS OFFICE EQUIPMENT.”

Customer: *still looking confused* “Oh, so, you don’t do weddings?”

Me: ” No, sir, we just use printers and ink to print things.”

Customer: “Oh, all right.” *turns around, then comes right back* “Can I hire you to do my daughter’s wedding?”

Me: *I just want him out of the store at this point, so I lie like a rug* “I am actually leaving the country for a while, sorry.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks.” *wanders out of the store, confused*

(A regular customer who is in line behind him comes up.)

Regular: “Wow, I didn’t know you could use lines from Mary Poppins to deal with crazy people! What will you tell him if he comes back and sees you haven’t left the country?”

Me: “Haha! I will tell him I am my twin; he’ll probably buy it!”

Regular: “Just give him candy when you tell him, because ‘a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!’”

(We get craziness like this all the time, and saying “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” usually gets them shaken enough to take care of them!)

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The Doctor Must Have Been Sleeping On The Study

, , , , | Working | September 19, 2017

(My son stops breathing when he’s asleep, and has been seeing doctors regularly his whole life for it. They have no idea why it happens, but it definitely does, so we monitor it closely. The following happens with a doctor he’s seen at least every six months for years, when we go in to ask if there are more tests we could run.)

Doctor: “Why are you guys here today? It’s a little early for his next check-up.”

Me: “We want to know if there are more tests we can run. I know we talked about genetic testing last year, and we’re interested in going that route.”

Doctor: “Genetic testing? Who did you talk to about that? Why would you want to do it?”

Me: “Erm… You’re the one who suggested it last year. We got it all approved with insurance and had the paperwork ready to go, when you decided it wasn’t going to be worth it to do it, and to try something else.”

Doctor: “I don’t remember talking to you about genetic testing, and I don’t know why I’d suggest it. His last sleep study looked really good.”

Me & Husband: “WHAT?!”

Doctor: “I mean, there are still instances of the breathing issue happening, but they’re well within normal range.”

Husband: “Five months ago, you told us he wasn’t getting better, and that we couldn’t stop any treatment. You even sent us to another specialist then, too.”

Doctor: “Well, you can’t expect me to remember what I told you that long ago. Genetic testing is expensive, and a lot to do on someone so young, so let’s just run another sleep study and keep doing what we’ve been doing.”

(We left that appointment furious, and immediately called his pediatrician for a referral so we could get a second opinion. We still have no answers, but we like his new doctor a lot!)

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Making A Mocha-ry Of Listening

, , , , | Right | September 18, 2017

(I work morning shifts at a very popular drive-thru over my winter break to get money for school. Unfortunately, this morning our coffee machine does not start up properly, so our manager is taking a look at it.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. Can I take your order?”

Customer: “Yes, ma’am, can I get a sausage biscuit and a hot mocha with whole milk?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but our coffee machine is down right now. Would you still like the biscuit?”

Customer: “WHAT?!”

Me: *thinks she didn’t hear me, so I repeat myself*

Customer: “But that’s stupid! Why isn’t working?”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. Our manager is looking at it now.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, let’s see… can I get a latte?”

Me: “…”

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The Non-Residents Need More Assistance Than The Residents

, , , | Right | September 18, 2017

(A woman and one of our residents come back from an outing, and the woman comes up to my desk.)

Me: “Hello. Welcome back, [Resident].”

Woman: “Do I need to sign the thing saying she’s back and…” *trails off*

Me: “Yes, just put down the time next to where you signed her out earlier.”

Woman: “Okay.” *walks away*

Me: *blinks* “Orrrrr I could do it…” *writes time in*

Woman: “Oh… did you want me to…” *turns back for a second and then walks off again*

Me: “Am I speaking English?”

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