I place a mobile order at a chain coffee shop. The location closest to my house just reopened from doing renovations, and most of the staff look new. My order is a medium iced coffee with oat milk. If you drink non-dairy alternatives, you know the color is not the same as dairy.

When I get there, there’s one customer in the store next to the online orders looking at the coffee-themed dog toys and talking to the two employees.

I find the drink with my name on it, and I notice that it’s way too light. It’s also a large and has whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkled on it, which I did not ask for.

I hold up the drink to the employees.

Me: “Sorry, is this an iced coffee with oat milk?”

Employee #1: “Yeah.”

Me: “Oh, okay. It looks really light, and I didn’t order whipped cream.”

Employee #1: “Oh, sorry.”

I go to leave, but I stop in the foyer and read my receipt to double-check that I ordered the right thing. I’m still unsure, so I go back in.

Me: “Sorry, you’re sure this is oat milk? It really doesn’t look right.”

The employees speak at the same time

Employee #1: “Yeah, it is.”

Employee #2: “I didn’t make it.”

I go to my car and take a sip. Putting a straw in pushes the cinnamon into the drink, and now that’s all I can taste. Plus, I can tell it is not oat milk.

I go back in a third time. [Employee #1] is taking an order, and [Employee #2] is making drinks.

Me: “Sorry, can I just get this remade? It doesn’t taste like oat milk, and I don’t like the whipped cream and cinnamon. Plus, I ordered a medium.”

[Employee #2] quickly remade my drink, but I really think they should have offered to do that when I said I didn’t want whipped cream.

I learned a trick years ago when dealing with the dreaded “autopilot loop”: say something completely bonkers. I usually try to switch things up before resorting to being strange, but sometimes, all you can do is snap them out of it with some crazy. 

For example, I wanted to use a coupon for a product at my local grocery store that I didn’t realize had expired the week prior. When my turn came and my items were scanned, I handed the coupon to the cashier.

Cashier: “Oh, sorry, I can’t use this. It’s expired.”

I felt silly for missing the expiry date.

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t realize. You can just throw it out, then.”

Cashier: “Oh, no, sorry, it’s expired. I can’t accept this.”

Me: “Yes, I understand. Do you want me to throw it out?”

The cashier made no move to hand it back or throw it away.

Cashier: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t use this. It expired last week. “

Then, I had the slow dawning realization that autopilot had been activated.

Me: “Right, you’ve said that. May I have it back to throw away, then?”

Cashier: “No, ma’am, it’s expired. I can’t take it.”

I looked at the customer behind me, who just shrugged and gave me a sympathetic smile.

Me: “For high tea, I like to grab the bean berries off of my turkey bushes before the surfboards see them.”

The cashier — and the now very confused customer behind me — stared at me.

Cashier: “What… What did you say?”

Me: “I was asking if I could pay by debit?”

Cashier: “Um, yes. Yes, you can!”

Still somewhat confused, she finished my transaction and allowed me on my way with my items, throwing the coupon out under her register.

As I left, I could hear her ask the next customer if I had really just said something about turkey bushes and surfboards. 

Customer: “I’m not sure, but whatever she said, it worked!”

This trick works on angry customers, too! Just try to have a couple of phrases ready to go; I have a few I’ve used, and I’ll share them soon!

Two young women are shopping in our luxury bag section. Most of the bags are in the $2,000 to $5,000 range, with many going higher. They approach a bag that costs about $4,000.

Customer #1: “Oh, I like this one. Maybe I’ll treat myself.”

Customer #2: “Honey, you already have that one.”

Customer #1: “No, I don’t… do I? Maybe I forgot.”

Customer #2: *Laughing* “No, you definitely have it already.”

Customer #1: “How do you know?”

Customer #2: “You’re wearing it right now.”

The first woman looks down at her bag, and her eyes go wide.

Customer #1: “But I got this from my Chanel closet! Why is my Louis Vuitton bag in my Chanel closet?! I’m going to have to have a word with Marisol when I get home…”

It must be nice to be that rich and oblivious!

I am working in a coffee shop, calling out finished drink orders.

Me: “For Simon, one hazelnut latte, fat-free!”

A customer grabs the drink and takes a sip.

Customer: “That’s disgusting!”

Me: “Oh, sorry, does it not taste the way it normally should?”

Customer: “I don’t know how it should taste! I just grabbed it because it was free! Now I see why!”

Me: “Uh… that drink isn’t free. Are you Simon?”

Customer: “No, I’m George.”

Me: “Sir, you grabbed someone else’s drink. Now I need to remake it. What did you order?”

Customer: “I didn’t order a drink.”

Me: “Then why did you take one?

Customer: “You said it was free!”

Me: “I said it was fat-free!“

Customer: “Well, don’t say ‘free’ if I can’t have it for free!” 

He stormed out, leaving me wondering why he was even here in the first place.

I am working at an electronics chain in Canada on Boxing Day. There are about a hundred people lined up for hours the night before. As soon as we open the doors, they all rush in. I am standing in the front with my colleagues welcoming people in. The first guy through the door runs up to me and frantically asks:

Customer: “WHERE IS YOUR APPLIANCE SECTION?!”

Me: “Uh, [Store] doesn’t have an appliance section; it never has.”

He looks at me, his eyes bulging, and then at my coworker, who nods in agreement. He solemnly and slowly walks toward the exit. 

Coworker: “Nothing like lining up for hours all night in the freezing weather at the wrong store…”