I do tech support for an office. Most of my users are really cool; 90% of them always try rebooting and replugging before calling.

There was one recently who was getting headaches because there was a loud buzzing noise in the office that she shared with four other people. She unplugged everything on two different desks and reassembled everything perfectly. She figured out that the noise was coming from the power brick of one of the four docking stations, and then she created a ticket to have the brick replaced.

So, yeah. My users are pretty d*** cool sometimes.

One employee, however, is a very technically challenged user. She calls maybe twice a month because her mouse has stopped working. Every single time, it is because she has lost the dongle. I have no idea why she keeps unplugging them; she always leaves her mouse at her desk. We have a box full of abandoned dongles, so we just keep pairing her mouse with another one — until we lose patience and give her a corded mouse. That works for a while, until one day…

She calls in because her mouse isn’t working again. I go to her desk.

User: “See?! It’s not working!”

She moved her mouse around to show me. Except… it wasn’t her mouse; it was her webcam. It had somehow fallen forward onto the mouse mat. Her mouse was lying on the same mat, right next to the face-down webcam.

She did good work… as long as she could open the software she needed.

For my first couple of years of college, it wasn’t unusual for me to go a whole month without ever getting behind the wheel of an actual car. I lived on campus, worked a campus job, and rode a bus wherever I couldn’t just walk.

My roommate had a PlayStation 2 and Grand Theft Auto 3. One day, I was at home (my parents’ house) and was getting in the car to run an errand. After putting on the seatbelt and starting the engine, I actually reached for the controller to drive the car.

Not my proudest moment, but it forced me to stop long enough to establish a mental divide between driving in-game and driving a real car.

A customer comes rushing in, face filled with rage, and marches straight up to me as I am checking out customers.

Customer: “You stole my lip balm!”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Customer: “You stole it! I checked out of here an hour ago, and after I paid for my lip balm, you stole it from me!”

As she’s speaking quite loudly, my manager comes rushing over and asks what’s happening.

Customer: “She stole my lip balm!”

Manager: “I’m sure that’s not the case.”

Customer: “Check the cameras! I’ll have her jailed!”

The manager sighs internally — I can just tell — but says he’ll be back. Twenty minutes later, he comes back. The customer has been standing there glowering at me the entire time.

Manager: “Ma’am, you put it into your jacket pocket.”

She reaches into her pocket and pulls out the lip balm. Then, she turns red and turns to me. 

Customer: “Well… you should have remembered where I put it, then!” *Storms off*

I get a call from a customer asking about insulation, moving walls, and other questions related to a home renovation project. We get on to the topic of his pre-existing wiring.

Caller: “Yeah, all the wiring in the house is super old. I think I’ll just rip that out and replace it. What should I use to do that?”

Me: “Uh, sir, that’s a question for a qualified electrician. I can only give basic home renovation advice over the phone, but if you wanted to do anything like that, it would require an on-site consultation from an expert.”

Caller: “But you guys sell wires and s***, right?”

Me: “We do.”

Caller: “Okay, so I’ll just knock the wall down, check the old wires, and buy new versions of the same.”

Me: “You could do that, but I would advise getting the advice of a—”

Caller: “So, you think I could get that done over a weekend?

Me: “Sir, just let me make it absolutely clear: I am not advising you to tamper with the wiring in your house without supervision or consultation from an electrician.”

Caller: “Yeah, yeah, I hear ya.”

Me: “Also, sir, I feel the need to remind you that these calls are recorded, and that includes my insistence on you consulting a professional electrician before you undertake any home renovations that involve wiring.”

Caller: “Jesus, don’t you ever stop?”

Me: “Based on experience, I need to be abundantly clear.”

Caller: “Whatever.” *Click*

The next day, I answer the phone.

Caller: “You f***er! I’m gonna sue your a**! My house burned down because of you!”

Sigh…

I just gave birth by C-section. Two weeks later, I end up with a temperature and am sent to hospital. I am sent for an X-ray of my chest because of a cough.

The X-ray tech is going through the usual questions. My new baby is with me as he is breastfed on demand so we are not able to be separated.

X-ray Tech: “Any chance you might be pregnant?”

Me: “Gosh, I hope not. That one was cut out two weeks ago. It would be pretty amazing if there was another one still in there.”

X-ray Tech: “Sorry, I forgot you were that one.”