I am working the cash register at a popular coffee house chain in Germany after I’ve graduated from high school.

My education has a focus on English studies and extra classes for a higher-level language certificate.

Customer: “Can you speak English?”

Me: *Politely* “Yes, of course.”

Immediately after that, a student intervened, saying that she studied English at the local university and wanted to help. I know that was a nice gesture, but given my education, I was quite confident.

The customer asked me a few questions about how the drinks were made, with the student translating the questions in German and me answering them in English. The most confusing part was when the student repeated every answer in English again!

This went back and forth for a while until the customer decided on a drink and a snack. 

The best part was the slightly confused look on the customer’s face and the student not realizing what had happened.

Our store has electronic PIN pads for taking cards and signatures. Recently, the PIN pad at the main register has been messing up on the signature screen. I suspect someone jabbed it very hard and now there’s a “dead” spot. At first, it throws people off and they constantly question what was going on. My coworker has started saying the following with success.

Coworker: “If I could just get your signature on the PIN pad. It stops writing in the middle but if you’ll just keep going, it’ll be fine.”

The customers listen, nod, and don’t mind the finicky PIN pad. They go on their way. I hear this and try it since it’s working for her.

Me: “It’s going to ask for your signature on the PIN pad. It stops writing in the middle, but just keep writing, and it’ll be okay.”

The customer doesn’t look up or acknowledge what I said. Instead, they repeatedly try to write on the “dead” section of the line, pushing harder and harder or even jabbing at it.

Customer: “Why is this not writing? Why is it doing that?”

Me: *Deadpan* “It’s broken because someone jabbed the pen on the pad too hard.”

They stop, look at me and then at the machine, and finally push “accept”. 

Customer: *Sheepishly* “Oh, yeah, that would make sense. Sorry.”

I turn to my coworker.

Me: “Why does it work when you say it but not when I say it?!”

She just shrugged and laughed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really speaking English.

I’m the idiot customer. A few months into the global shutdown, at the end of a very long day of dodging anti-maskers while in the grocery store and running errands, I order pickup from my favorite cheap seafood chain. This particular seafood joint is located right next to a steak chain. Cue me logging onto the app, confirming I’m here, and giving a description of the car. I sit there waiting and playing on my cell, not paying attention to how long I’ve been sitting there.

An employee knocks on the window, scaring the bejeebus out of me.

Employee: “I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!”

I am laughing hysterically.

Me: “Oh, holy crap, that was funny! It’s all good and I’m more awake now. Is that my order?”

The employee is obviously relieved to find out I’m not a problem customer.

Employee: “Um, no, ma’am. I just wanted to know the name on your order?”

Me: “Oh! It’s [My Name].”

The employee goes to check but comes back empty-handed and looking terrified.

Employee: “Um… I can’t find that name. Is it under another?”

Me: *Opening the app* “Weird, I just sent it from my cell right before I got here through the app. Let me see what the confirmation number is.”

Employee: *Now with a deer-in-headlights look* “We don’t use an app for to-go orders. We only do call-in orders.”

Me: *Confused* “But why would [Seafood Chain] have an app if you don’t use it?”

Employee: *Suddenly trying to remain professional and not crack up* “Uh… ma’am, this… uh… this is [Steak Place].”

Me: *With dawning horror on my face* “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE I AM ANYMORE! I AM SO SORRY! Oh, gods, I just turned into my mother.”

I then cracked myself up so bad I had to sit there for a minute before I could drive across the parking lot to the correct pickup area and get my food and explain to the food runner why I said I was there when I wasn’t. He laughed, too. A year later, I still get the giggles when I think of it.

My phone buzzes with a new message from a popular messaging app.

Unknown Number: “Where the h*** is the driver? I’ve been waiting out here for an hour!”

Me: “You got the wrong number, pal.”

Unknown Number: “Don’t f*** with me. I’m not in the mood! Where is the f****** driver?”

Me: “Seriously, you have the wrong number. This isn’t a business.”

Unknown Number: “You just lost yourself a customer for good. Look at my purchase history and see for yourself how much money I’ve spent over the last few years!”

Me: “I’m sure they probably won’t miss you all that much. Either way, you have the wrong number. Have a good one!”

Unknown Number: “What is your name and employee ID?”

Me: “Buddy Holly, ID [random number].”

Unknown Number: “What’s your real name, not your nickname? Or is Buddy actually your real name?”

Me: “They’ll know the name.”

Unknown Number: “Good… because I’m sure they’ll be happy to know you’re the reason why I’ll never use the services again.”

Me: “You know that’s a lie! ‘Cause that’ll be the day when they die!”

Unknown Number: “Dude… you are so fired!”

I’m a waitress in a slightly upscale Indian restaurant in a town famous for both its university and golf course. We get a lot of tourists.

A couple comes in one evening and asks (after some confusion) for water. They’re obviously tourists and aren’t British, and I understand from traveling myself that it’s sometimes it’s confusing in a foreign country figuring out the best place to buy even simple things. I direct them back toward town where, a minute’s walk away, there is a grocery store where they can buy a cheap bottle of water. It’s later in the evening, so most shops are closed but this one will stay open and is literally on the same street as our restaurant, so it is easy to find. They thank me and leave, and I feel pleased with myself for being able to help them navigate somewhere new.

A little while later, they show up again. I’m confused, wondering if I misunderstood that they wanted a bottle of water before heading to the bus. Maybe they now want to eat?

No, they are just very lost. Somehow, they missed the store one minute away.

Couple: “We can’t find anywhere open to buy water, so can we please buy some? Everywhere is closed. You are the only open place they can find!”

I did ask a manager. We obviously do not sell plastic bottles of water at our nice restaurant. We offer tap water to customers, or they can buy a fancy bottle of still or sparkling water. They’re expensive and come in large glass bottles.

After some conferring and back and forth with the couple, who were adamant that they couldn’t find any open stores — despite me walking them to the door and pointing down the street where we could LITERALLY see the lights for the grocery store — we eventually sold them an almost £10 large glass bottle of water for them to carry to the bus station.

They could have found something for under £1 if they’d just walked straight down the street as I showed them many times.

Related:
H2-Slow, Part 22
H2-Slow, Part 21
H2-Slow, Part 20
H2-Slow, Part 19
H2-Slow, Part 18