Human Sheep: The Movie

, , , , , | Right | November 16, 2017

(I work at a movie theater, and this happens almost every time there’s a line for a popular movie.)

Me: *collecting tickets* “Theater four, last door on your right. Enjoy the movie. Theater four, last door on your right. Enjoy the movie. Theater four, last door on your right. Enjoy the movie. Theater fo— your movie started ten minutes ago. Theater one, first door on your left.”

(Apparently, some people see a line, and they just get in it.)

A Riot Of Color

, , , , | Right | November 16, 2017

(Within our copy store there are about twelve copy machines. Every machine prints in black and white, except one. Our only colour copier is right next to our office. On its cover, and on the wall right above it, there are two large warning labels to advise people about it, since colour copies are six times more expensive than black and white. One thing about our copy cards: first, you buy one for 2€ — 1€ for the card itself, 1€ for the credit, so six black and white copies or one colour one. Then you can add credit on it for a whole year.)

Customer: *holding a perfect copy* “Excuse me?”

Me: “Yes? Can I help you?”

Customer: “I just bought a card. I did just one copy, and now it says my credit isn’t enough.”

Me: *knowing where this is going, and pointing to the colour copier* “Did you use that specific machine?”

Customer: “Yes! But I don’t understand what’s the matter.”

Me: “This one is a colour copier. Copies are 0.92€ a piece when you use it.”

Customer: “Oh, no! I only wanted a black and white copy! I needed the text, without pictures! Well, now, I guess you have to refund me.”

Me: “I’m truly sorry, but we use only a card system. Hence, we don’t keep any money in our office, and anyway, we’re prohibited to do any kind of refunding.”

Customer: “Come on! Why not?”

Me: “This is a self-service. We can help you to do your copies, but if you don’t ask for our help, if the copier works fine — which it did — we can’t do anything at all, even if you mess your copy. I’m sorry!”

Customer: “But I’m asking for your help right now!”

Me: “I mean help before doing any copy.”

Customer: *angry* “But it’s false advertisement! You didn’t warn me about it!”

Me: “Actually, we did.”

Customer: *angrier* “Really? And how was I supposed to know that it was a colour copier?”

Me: “There are labels on it, and on the wall in front of you.”

Customer: *getting more and more angry* “Nobody f****** reads these posters!”

Me: *now bored out of my mind* “Yes, I think you’re right. And that’s the main issue there. We are in a library where nobody even bothers to read.”

(In a way, I guess being a smart-a** didn’t help me to keep that job more than four months.)

Bouncing Somewhere Else

, , , , | Working | November 16, 2017

(I’m on holiday in New York and have gone to a nightclub for a few drinks with some friends. I’m from the UK. The club we choose has a sign specifically stating that foreign forms of ID are accepted.)

Bouncer #1: “ID.”

(I hand it over.)

Bouncer #1: “This is fake.”

Me: “How?”

Bouncer #1: “The UK doesn’t have driver’s licenses.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure they do.”

(Another bouncer comes over and takes my ID and moves it underneath the light overhead.)

Bouncer #2: “Looks genuine enough. She can come in.”

Bouncer #1: “No, she can’t.”

Bouncer #2: *sighs* “Why not?”

Bouncer #1: “We don’t let foreigners in.”

Bouncer #2: “Well, that sign says otherwise.” *to me* “Sorry about this; he’s new.”

Bouncer #1: *looking at my ID again* “She’s under 21.”

Bouncer #2: “December, 1989. She’s 26!”

([Bouncer #1] blushed and handed my ID back, then let me in. When the club was full he stood at the doors and glared at me the entire time. While I can’t help but commend [Bouncer #2] for his professionalism and experience, [Bouncer #1] ruined our night. We found another club and went there for the rest of our holiday.)

Knows How To Navigate These Noisy Waters

, , , , | Right | November 16, 2017

I work at the Water Bureau. I got a call to go out to a house on a “loud water” complaint.

A nice elderly gentleman came out of the house and told me that the water was louder and it had been that way for a week. I asked many questions to try to narrow it down to a cause, and the gentleman said he hadn’t made any changes to the house or anything different with the plumbing recently.

Finally, I asked him if there was anything new in his life in the last week. The man thought for a moment and said, “Well, I did get new hearing aids last week.”

I suggested that perhaps he could just hear the water better now that he had hearing aids. The man said, “Well, God d***, I bet you’re right! That just proves to my wife I’m not crazy. Thanks!” And he went back into his house.

Another satisfied customer.

Needs To Shift Their Understanding Of The Issue

, , , , | Working | November 15, 2017

(My keyboard has some keys that don’t work, and my computer is running slow. I take it into the store so their tech crew can fix it. Keep in mind that I specifically say the SHIFT key does not work. Only CAPS LOCK works.)

Employee: “I think I’ve got all your details down! I just need your password.”

Me: “It’s ‘HELLO’ in all caps, then ‘world’ in all lowercase. ‘HELLOworld.’”

(I tell him again about the SHIFT key.)

Employee: “Got it! Well, we should have the problem diagnosed by tonight.”

(I cross my fingers that it’s a software issue, as a new keyboard is $150, and head home. Not 30 minutes later I receive this call:)

Employee #2: “Hello, I think we have the wrong password. Can you please repeat it?”

Me: “’HELLO’ in all caps, ‘world’ in all lowercase.”

Employee #2: “I’m sorry, but your computer isn’t accepting that. Could it be a different password?”

Me: “Are you using the SHIFT key?”

Employee #2: “Yes?”

Me: “It doesn’t work. Use the CAPS LOCK key.”

Employee #2: “That worked. I’ll look at your—” *pauses* “—keyboard… issue… now.” *click*