Zip Past The Technological Requirements

, , , | Working | September 22, 2017

(A telemarketer is trying to sell me a new phone contract, which I do not want, over the phone. After a while:)

Telemarketer: “Plus, you get LTE coverage!”

Me: “Well, that’s no use, as my phone does not support LTE.”

Telemarketer: “Erm, as far as I can see, your zip code is LTE-capable.”

(Great to know that my zip code supports LTE. If only he could have told me how to use my zip code for surfing.)

Beguiling Bagels

, , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I work at a deli which makes all its sandwiches in the morning, and sells them until they run out. We do not make sandwiches on demand.)

Customer: “Hey, could you make me a ham and cheese bagel?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we only have what’s in the cabinet right now.” *points to the three salmon bagels we have left*

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

Customer: “…so, could you make me a ham and cheese panini?”

No Cable Makes You A Cry-Baby(sitter)

, , , | Related | September 20, 2017

(A customer has a bad signal issue that we have to dispatch a technician for during a busy part of the year.)

Me: “We have an opening in two days.”

Customer: “Two days?! No cable for two days? Well, who’s gonna watch my kids?!”

Your Mouth Will Get You Into Trouble

, , , , | Working | September 20, 2017

(I’ve just had a root canal and tooth extraction. I also have TMD [Temporomandibular joint dysfunction] and it’s difficult to anaesthetise my gums, resulting in a swollen jaw on the side that wasn’t worked on, and the maximum dose of anaesthetic being used to just taper off the pain. I’m not the happiest of bunnies while leaving the dentist. I’m making my way home, walking through the main street of my town when a woman holding a clipboard points at me from about 20 metres away. I try to avoid her but she cuts me off.)

Woman: “Got a minute, dude?”

Me: *walking around her* “No, sorry. I’ve just been to the dentist—”

Woman: *cutting me off again* “No worries, mate. You don’t have to talk.”

(I decide to just let her sell whatever crap she’s pushing and get it over with. I shrug and nod.)

Woman: “GREAT! First question: how old are you?”

Even Though The Sound Of It Is Something Quite Atrocious

, , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I work in a well-known office supply store. We also have a print department. We get a lot of customers that have no idea what they need and hope we can help them with everything by reading their minds and making things magically appear. This happens one day when a middle-aged man walks up to the copy center counter.)

Me: “Hi. What brings you in today?”

Customer: “My daughter is getting married.” *stares expectantly at me*

Me: “Congratulations! Were you looking to have some printing done for the wedding? We do invitations, table cards, large photo prints—”

Customer: *interrupting* “I need everything you do!” *again stares at me*

Me: “Oh, we don’t really do wedding packages; we just have hundreds of printing capabilities. If you could let me know what exactly you need us to do for the wedding, I can get you prices and options—”

Customer: “Yes, let me see your flowers, and a list of your wedding helpers.”

Me: “Flowers? You mean designs that have flowers on them? And I’m sorry; I am not sure what you mean by ‘wedding helpers.’”

Customer: *getting angry* “No! I want everything for a wedding! Flowers, bands, food, printing, everything!*squints at me intensely*

Me: “Oh, I see. Well, we are an office supply store, so all we do for weddings is printing services. Unfortunately we do not do wedding planning or have food or bands or—”

Customer: *shouting, while banging his hand on the counter* “NO! LISTEN TO ME! I NEED EVERYTHING FOR MY DAUGHTER’S WEDDING! THIS IS TERRIBLE CUSTOMER SERVICE! SHOW ME ALL YOUR WEDDING THINGS!”

Me: *trying to not get mad at this point* “Sir, please listen to what I am trying to say. We are an OFFICE supply store, we do not do—”

Customer: “GET ME YOUR BOSS NOW!”

(I recognize that this customer isn’t listening to a thing I say, so I decide to throw him for a loop, as this usually gets mad customers’ attention long enough to resolve the issue or make them leave.)

Me: “I am the manager on duty, sir. Can I ask you a question?”

Customer: “YOUR BOSS NOW! I AM FILING A COMPLAINT!” *more hand-banging on counter*

Me: *looks directly into the customer’s eyes* “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”

Customer: “No! Listen! I want… wait, what?!”

Me: *looks directly into the customer’s eyes again and smiles* “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

Customer: *stares at me, confused* ” Um, I’m sorry. I don’t understand? Is that a foreign language?”

Me: “No, sir, but we do not do wedding planning, or have flowers, food, or anything like that for you. The only thing I can do that you need is wedding invitations. I suggest you contact a wedding planning company; they can help you with all the wedding things you need. WE CANNOT HELP YOU WITH THAT BECAUSE WE ARE AN OFFICE SUPPLY STORE THAT SELLS OFFICE EQUIPMENT.”

Customer: *still looking confused* “Oh, so, you don’t do weddings?”

Me: ” No, sir, we just use printers and ink to print things.”

Customer: “Oh, all right.” *turns around, then comes right back* “Can I hire you to do my daughter’s wedding?”

Me: *I just want him out of the store at this point, so I lie like a rug* “I am actually leaving the country for a while, sorry.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks.” *wanders out of the store, confused*

(A regular customer who is in line behind him comes up.)

Regular: “Wow, I didn’t know you could use lines from Mary Poppins to deal with crazy people! What will you tell him if he comes back and sees you haven’t left the country?”

Me: “Haha! I will tell him I am my twin; he’ll probably buy it!”

Regular: “Just give him candy when you tell him, because ‘a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!’”

(We get craziness like this all the time, and saying “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” usually gets them shaken enough to take care of them!)

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