(Mom has decided that it’s about time to tell my younger brother, now seven, the truth about Santa Claus. So one day she sits him down and asks him a question to feel out how best to start this conversation.)

Mom: “[Brother]… you believe in Santa Claus, right?”

Brother: “Uh…”

Mom: “You can tell me the truth, okay?”

Brother: *sheepishly* “I’ve known you and Dad are really Santa for a couple years now, but I didn’t say anything so I could keep getting presents.”

(Smart kid. He’s 22 now but still gets presents.)

(My boyfriend is an avid skier, so for Christmas I buy him a pass to our local ski area. The pass is just a piece of heavy paper, and rather than just tucking it in a card, I put it in a small box and add a few heavy beads to throw him off when he tries to guess what it is. I go over to his house around the 20th, he opens the door.)

Me: “Merry Christmas!” *hands him the box*

Boyfriend: *takes the box and immediately drops it*

Both: “Oh, no!”

Me: “I’m sure it will be okay.”

(After some socializing I go home. Come Christmas morning, the phone rings.)

Boyfriend: “You are so rotten! I’ve been shaking that box every day since you gave it to me, trying to figure out how broken it was, and if I could fix it before you knew!”

Me: *laughing my head off* “Yeah, it couldn’t have worked out better if I’d planned it.”

(He loved the ski pass!)

(I’ve just had major surgery on my leg and have been taken to my room. I begin to feel chilled, so I press the call button. The nurse who responds covered me with an additional blanket, but after a short time I am so cold I was shivering, so another blanket is added. Within about an hour two more blankets are added but I am colder than ever. Then the charge nurse comes in on her rounds.)

Me: *violently shivering* “C-c-cold!”

Nurse: *having just taken my vitals* “You’re practically hypothermic. Let me check your leg and then I’ll see what else we can do to warm you up.” *checks my leg* “Oh. How long has your leg been packed in ice?!”

Me: “Ice?”

(Neither of us knew, so it must have been done before I awoke from anesthesia which means it had been there for at quite some time. Each blanket that was added sealed in the cold that much more, so of course I was freezing! The ice was quickly removed and with five or six blankets covering me I warmed up pretty fast.)

(My mom is suffering from a terrible cold. We’re both in the kitchen. She goes to get a cup of water and is very careful to only touch the cup she’s going to use.)

Mom: “I don’t want to touch anything I don’t have to. I’m afraid I’m infecting everything I touch.”

Me: *laughs*

Mom: “What?”

Me: “I was just imagining two viruses re-enacting that scene from The Lion King. ‘Look, Simba. Everything that woman touches is our kingdom.’”

Mom: “You are one strange cookie.”

Me: “Welcome to [Dealership]! My name is [Name].

Customer: *looking at a grey [Vehicle]* “That [Vehicle]’s not red!”

Me: “No, sir. It’s gray. I have two in white and one in gray.”

Customer: “But it’s not red!”

Me: “No, sir. It’s gray.”

Customer: “IT’S NOT RED!”

Me: “No, sir. It is not.”

Customer: “I WANTED A RED ONE!”

(He jumps in his car and speeds off the lot.)