How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 29

, , , | Working | January 31, 2018

(I’m just minding my own business at home when I suddenly get a call:)

Scammer: “Hello, this is [Scammer] calling from [Fake Company] telling you that your computer has several terrible viruses.”

(I instantly know this is a scam, but I decide to play along.)

Me: “Oh, no! What should I do?!”

Scammer: “This is no problem; I’ll walk you through it.”

(He spends the next three minutes telling me what to do, while I pretend to do what he says, but in actuality, I just continue doing what I was doing. Once he’s done…)

Scammer: “Now, have you done it all?”

Me: “I’d say so, yes.”

Scammer: “No, it doesn’t seem like that; I can see your computer is still infected with viruses.”

Me: “Oh, is that so? Well, how about you walk me through it one more time?”

Scammer: “Sure. So, first…”

(Another three minutes later:)

Scammer: “Okay, have you now done everything?”

Me: “Yes.”

Scammer: “No, you haven’t. Have you even done anything I asked you? Do you want your computer to be infected with viruses?”

Me: “Can I confess something to you? I actually haven’t done any of that. And you know why? Because I know this was a scam. The whole time you’ve been talking, I’ve been playing an online game, reading short stories on the Internet, reading a fanfic, and looking up funny images on [site]. If my computer really was infected with viruses, I wouldn’t be able to do any of that. Ergo, this is a scam call, and I’ve been f****** with you and wasting your time. Also, this call is recorded, so I can look back and laugh at this, and this is going on the web. Any last words before I hang up?”

(Silence for a few seconds.)

Scammer: “SON OF A B****!”

Me: “That’s what I thought. Toodles, dumb-a**!” *hangs up*

Related:
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 28
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 27
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 26

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Terror-Bytes

, , | Right | November 9, 2017

Me: “Technical support, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if my Internet router could be broken.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, I was wondering if it was possible that my router had started leaking.”

Me: “Leaking? What do you mean?”

Customer: “Well, someone told me that when the routers get old, they could start leaking gigabytes, and that it was really unhealthy for us.”

Me: “No, ma’am. That is not possible.”

Customer: “But someone told me that it could happen when the router gets old.”

Me: “No, ma’am, your router is fine. You don’t have to worry about your router leaking gigabytes.”

Customer: “Well, all right. Thank you.”

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This Deal Is A Steal

, , , , | Right | February 18, 2011

(I’m assisting a tourist that is looking for a t-shirt to take home with pictures of Iceland on them.)

Me: “Well, we don’t sell those t-shirts but there are quite a few of them downtown and I know of one that has a three-for-two special offer on t-shirts.”

Customer: “Could you also explain to me what a three-for-two offer is?”

Me: “Sure, it means that you get three t-shirts for the price of two.”

Customer: “I don’t understand, so we steal the third one? Isn’t shoplifting illegal here like in the States?”

Me: “Yes, shoplifting is illegal here, but you wouldn’t be stealing the third shirt. It just means that you choose three t-shirts and pay for two and then get the third as a free gift, sort of.”

Customer: “I don’t get it.”

Me: “You choose three t-shirts, and as the salesperson scans them into the register you get a 100% discount on the third t-shirt. Therefore, you’ll get it for free with the other two.”

Customer: “I’ll go down there, but if they arrest me for shoplifting, I’m telling the police that you told me to!”

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Double Your Solar, Double Your Fun

, , , , , | Right | June 19, 2009

(I had a job on a boat, taking tourists out to sea so they could take really nice pictures of the midnight sun. One day, one of the tourists came up to me.)

Me: “What do you think of the midnight sun?”

Tourist: “Yeah, it’s really nice, but tell me one thing. On the map of our solar system, where is the midnight sun located?”

Me: “Er… the sun?”

Tourist: “No! I know where the sun is, but where is the midnight sun?”

Me: “The midnight sun and the sun are exactly the same, but when you are as far north as you are now, and since it’s summer, the sun never sets.”

Tourist: “WHAT THE F***?! I’m gonna sue your sorry a** for false advertisement! I didn’t come all the way from the US to watch the sun I have back home! *storms away*

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