(My coworker answers a customer phone call early one morning.)

Customer: “How do your buses run tomorrow morning?”

Coworker: “They run on diesel fuel, ma’am.”

(I had to stifle my laugh, and so did the customer.)

(I live and work in Iceland.)

Customer: “Do you have international busses?”

Me: *thinking I misheard* “Sorry, a bus for where?”

Customer: “You know, for Scotland or somewhere outside of Iceland.”

Me: “You realize this is an island? You can’t drive to another country from here.”

Customer: “Not at all? What about busses that drive onto ferries that take you somewhere?”

Me: “It takes a few days to sail to the next country.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “So, no. No, we don’t have those.”

Customer: “Not in the whole country?”

Me: “I mean, we’re just one company. You can try asking at the tourist information, but…” *the customer walks off* “…I highly doubt it.”

(My sister is writing her dissertation about land-use.)

Sister: “There’s zero percent settlement in Iceland.”

Me: “What?”

Sister: “See this pie?” *shows me* “Iceland consists of fifty-three percent grassland, thirty-nine percent other (that would be the mountains and glaciers), six percent wetland, one percent forestry, one percent cropland, and zero percent settlement. There IS a sliver in the pie; it’s obviously zero-point something, but they’ve listed it as zero percent.”

(I’m just minding my own business at home when I suddenly get a call:)

Scammer: “Hello, this is [Scammer] calling from [Fake Company] telling you that your computer has several terrible viruses.”

(I instantly know this is a scam, but I decide to play along.)

Me: “Oh, no! What should I do?!”

Scammer: “This is no problem; I’ll walk you through it.”

(He spends the next three minutes telling me what to do, while I pretend to do what he says, but in actuality, I just continue doing what I was doing. Once he’s done…)

Scammer: “Now, have you done it all?”

Me: “I’d say so, yes.”

Scammer: “No, it doesn’t seem like that; I can see your computer is still infected with viruses.”

Me: “Oh, is that so? Well, how about you walk me through it one more time?”

Scammer: “Sure. So, first…”

(Another three minutes later:)

Scammer: “Okay, have you now done everything?”

Me: “Yes.”

Scammer: “No, you haven’t. Have you even done anything I asked you? Do you want your computer to be infected with viruses?”

Me: “Can I confess something to you? I actually haven’t done any of that. And you know why? Because I know this was a scam. The whole time you’ve been talking, I’ve been playing an online game, reading short stories on the Internet, reading a fanfic, and looking up funny images on [site]. If my computer really was infected with viruses, I wouldn’t be able to do any of that. Ergo, this is a scam call, and I’ve been f****** with you and wasting your time. Also, this call is recorded, so I can look back and laugh at this, and this is going on the web. Any last words before I hang up?”

(Silence for a few seconds.)

Scammer: “SON OF A B****!”

Me: “That’s what I thought. Toodles, dumb-a**!” *hangs up*

Related:
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 28
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 27
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 26

Me: “Technical support, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if my Internet router could be broken.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, I was wondering if it was possible that my router had started leaking.”

Me: “Leaking? What do you mean?”

Customer: “Well, someone told me that when the routers get old, they could start leaking gigabytes, and that it was really unhealthy for us.”

Me: “No, ma’am. That is not possible.”

Customer: “But someone told me that it could happen when the router gets old.”

Me: “No, ma’am, your router is fine. You don’t have to worry about your router leaking gigabytes.”

Customer: “Well, all right. Thank you.”