(I’m just minding my own business at home when I suddenly get a call:)
Scammer: “Hello, this is [Scammer] calling from [Fake Company] telling you that your computer has several terrible viruses.”
(I instantly know this is a scam, but I decide to play along.)
Me: “Oh, no! What should I do?!”
Scammer: “This is no problem; I’ll walk you through it.”
(He spends the next three minutes telling me what to do, while I pretend to do what he says, but in actuality, I just continue doing what I was doing. Once he’s done…)
Scammer: “Now, have you done it all?”
Me: “I’d say so, yes.”
Scammer: “No, it doesn’t seem like that; I can see your computer is still infected with viruses.”
Me: “Oh, is that so? Well, how about you walk me through it one more time?”
Scammer: “Sure. So, first…”
(Another three minutes later:)
Scammer: “Okay, have you now done everything?”
Me: “Yes.”
Scammer: “No, you haven’t. Have you even done anything I asked you? Do you want your computer to be infected with viruses?”
Me: “Can I confess something to you? I actually haven’t done any of that. And you know why? Because I know this was a scam. The whole time you’ve been talking, I’ve been playing an online game, reading short stories on the Internet, reading a fanfic, and looking up funny images on [site]. If my computer really was infected with viruses, I wouldn’t be able to do any of that. Ergo, this is a scam call, and I’ve been f****** with you and wasting your time. Also, this call is recorded, so I can look back and laugh at this, and this is going on the web. Any last words before I hang up?”
(Silence for a few seconds.)
Scammer: “SON OF A B****!”
Me: “That’s what I thought. Toodles, dumb-a**!” *hangs up*
Related:
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 28
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 27
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 26