When I was sixteen, I worked for a combination donut store/ice cream shop known for its trademarked thirty-one flavors.

The owner hired a convicted arsonist to be the nighttime baker. Fine. But that arsonist continually made lewd and inappropriate suggestions to the female staff regardless of age.

The boss was known to storm into the building and yell at the nearest female to make him a sandwich. Even though I was sixteen, I was often the oldest person in the shop.

Once, some bees swarmed around our air conditioning unit. Smelling the sugar, they came down into the kitchen. They were everywhere. I called the boss to let him know, and he berated me.

Boss: “You’re just being lazy! Someone must have left the back door open again!”

This was before camera phones. The glaze vat was literally full of bees.

Another time, the floor-to-roof windows in the “sunroom” started leaking during some heavy rain. Again, I called the boss. Again, I was called lazy, and again, he did nothing.

He was a jerk, and when I left, I gave him thirty-one reasons why I quit posted to his office door.

A long time ago, I worked in a gourmet homemade ice cream shop. The owner is really big into natural, unprocessed ingredients. (This was a big deal at the time since it was before the whole organic fad.) I can’t tell you how many times I had this conversation.

Customer: “I would like a cup of mint chocolate chip.”

I go get their order and give it to them.

Customer: “This isn’t green. This isn’t what I ordered. I want mint chocolate chip.”

Me: “Our ice cream is made with natural ingredients. We do not add green dye to the mint chocolate chip. It still has mint in it, just not green dye. Go ahead and taste it! It’s mint!”

Customer: “But it’s not green! It can’t be mint!”

So many times, I would have to throw away their first order and get them something else because they couldn’t believe it was mint without being green. The worst was having these arguments with full-grown adults. I can understand a kid being confused over the color, but to watch adults throw a fit about the color was just embarrassing.

A mother tells her son to order his own ice cream; he is about nine years old or so. He orders his ice cream, and I ask if he wants any toppings.

Kid: “Peanuts on top, please.”

The mother is busy on the phone with her wallet or something and doesn’t hear the order. I go to hand the kid his cone, and the mother looks up and flips the f*** out.

Mother: “My son is allergic to peanuts!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, he ordered them himself. I’ll just toss this aside and make him a new one. Is that all right?”

Mother: “He never would have ordered peanuts, because he knows he is allergic to them!”

The kid is standing there wide-eyed and silent, staring off into the distance. The mother pays and goes off muttering about how “ridiculous this place is”.

Mother: “You can’t just put peanuts on things when people don’t ask for them!”

One of the toppings we offer for our frozen Greek yogurt dessert is honey. I am serving two teenagers.

Teenager #1: “Do you make the honey yourself?”

I am about to reply when her friend interjects with honey-dripping sarcasm.

Teenager #2: “Yes. She makes the honey herself because she is actually a bee.”

A mom, dad, and two elementary-aged kids come into the ice cream shop where I work. I can’t help but overhear the following conversation.

Dad: “We’d like [lists three different ice creams].”

Coworker: “Anything else?”

Mom: “What do you have that is fat-free, sugar-free, and dairy-free?”

I can practically see my coworker’s brain stall and go blue-screen at the question. After a pause, she answers in a much more even tone than I would have managed.

Coworker: “Water.”

The mom frowns but doesn’t throw a fit. She also doesn’t order anything. When they are gone, I go over to talk to my coworker.

Me: “You know, [Diet Pop] also falls under that category.”

She took a deep breath and walked away from me. That question became a running joke for a long while.