(I am training a new 17-year-old girl. I am going slow and steady, trying to teach her the right way to do everything. Two female customers come in. One orders a drink made with caffeine-free citrus soda and sherbet. I start explaining and showing the trainee what to do.)

Me: *quietly to the trainee* “Okay, use two scoops for a small and three for a large, then fill it to here with soda. I personally think these are gross, but they’re really popular, especially with kids.”

Customer: “It’s not gross! If you ever tried it, you’d know it wasn’t gross!”

Me: “I’m sorry; I didn’t even realize you could hear me. I just don’t personally like them, but I know plenty of people who do.”

Customer: “You have to take that back! I’m the customer, so I’m right! You’re the rudest f****** b**** I’ve ever seen!”

Me: “Okay. I’m sorry that I don’t personally like the same drink that you do.”

Customer: “I need to talk to your manager right now!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m the senior employee working right now. My manager is at home with her daughter. I can take down your information and have her call you wh—”

Customer: “No! Call her right now! I need to talk to her and tell her what a rude b**** you’ve been!”

Me: *while dialing the phone* “Just to clarify: you want me to interrupt my manager’s family dinner, so you can inform her that I don’t like soda and sherbet mixed together, yes?”

Customer: “Yes! Call her right now! I’ll get your a** fired!”

(I explain the situation on the phone to my manager.)

Manager: “So, what exactly does she want me to do?”

Me: “I think she wants you to fire me… for not liking sherbet.”

Manager: “Oh, lord. Just give her the phone.”

(The trainee and I stand there while the customer yells on the phone at my manager. My poor trainee is just dumbfounded. Eventually my manager convinces the woman to leave and asks her to not come back, as insulting her employees is not acceptable. The woman and her friend leave, and my new co-worker and I breathe a sigh of relief. The customer storms back into the shop.)

Customer: “Oh! And you know what’s f****** gross? Your face!”

(She leaves, and I start laughing uncontrollably.)

Trainee: “Did that just f****** happen?”

Me: “Welcome to life in customer service!”

(A customer in her mid-50s comes into the shop and begins looking around at all the varieties of ice cream.)

Me: “Hi, do you know what you’d like?”

Customer: “I sure do! I need some butter pecan in a waffle cone.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but we don’t have any waffle cones at this moment. Our waffle cone machine broke and we had to send it back to get another. We have cake and sugar cones, though.”

Customer: “No, a ‘waaaaa-ffle’ cone. Waffle. Right here!” *points to sugar cones*

Me: “Oh, a sugar cone! Sure thing, coming right up!”

Customer: “No! Not a sugar cone! Waffle! Why won’t you give me what I want?! It’s the government, I tell you! They’re playing these evil mind tricks! I won’t fall for it, though! I won’t! I want a waffle cone!”

Me: *grabs sugar cone* “Yes, ma’am.”

(My coworker returns from her break, only having heard the last bit from the customer saying she wanted a waffle cone.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t have any waffle cones right now.”

Customer: “Not you, too! It’s a conspiracy, I tell you! A conspiracy!” *storms out*

Coworker: “Well, that escalated quickly.”

(I’m at an ice cream shop at a busy mall, though the shop is pretty empty.)

Cashier: “That’ll be [price].”

(I hand him my card.)

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but we only take cash.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Could you put my ice cream aside? I’ll run to the ATM outside.”

Cashier: “But then you’ll have soup and not ice cream! Eat, and when you’re done go to the ATM.”

Me: “Are you sure? I can be quick at the ATM!”

Cashier: “No! Enjoy your ice cream! No one likes melted ice cream!”

(I finish my ice cream as quickly as possible and then go to the ATM.)

Cashier: “See? I knew you would come back!”

(Now I go to that shop every time I’m downtown—and I always remember to go to the ATM first!)

(I work at a soft serve ice cream shop. The building has a window to serve people outside, as the inside is rather small. A woman literally drives up to the window.)

Me: “Ma’am, this isn’t a drive through. Can you please park the car and order then?”

Customer: “Do you have cheeseburgers?”

Me: *confused* “Ma’am, this is an ice cream store. We don’t sell any hot foods.”

Customer: “Do you have hot dogs?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we have no hot dogs, cheeseburgers, or anything hot. But I’m sure that the restaurant down the road has those?”

Customer: “Can I have a large order of fries?”

Me: “Ma’am we don’t have fries.”

Customer: “Can I have a fish filet with ketchup?”

Me: “Ma’am, please: we don’t have any fish, fries, chicken, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, pasta, or pizza.”

Customer: *gives me a creepy stare*

Me: “Ma’am?”

(The customer yells incomprehensibly, stomps on the gas, and does a donut in the parking lot before speeding away.)

(I’m making a banana split, when a woman frantically rushes over to me, waving her hands up and down.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, is everything all right?”

Customer: “Yes, yes, I just have a question.”

Me: “Okay, what is your question?”

Customer: “These cakes in this case over here, the mint one… does it have cake in it?”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Customer: “Does this cake have cake in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, the cakes contain cake.”