I work for a chain grocery store, but I happen to be off today, and I’m shopping at [Retail Chain]. I usually don’t shop in my own store; even though I get a (tiny) staff discount, it’s not worth the pressure of dealing with regulars who can’t comprehend that you don’t work every hour of every day.

I turn a corner, and I bump into one of those regulars from my other store. Without blinking, she thrusts a [Retail Chain] coupon at me.

Customer: “These aren’t on the shelves. Go check the back for some more.”

Me: “I don’t work here.”

The customer gives me a blank look.

Me: “I work at [My Store], remember? This is [Retail Chain], and I am just a regular shopper here, like you.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you check anyway?”

Me: “Can’t you?”

Customer: “But I’m just a customer!”

Me: “So am I!“

I’m dressed up for an interview for a pretty nice store. I’m in all black with a dress shirt, pants, and shoes, with my keys clipped to my belt loop because that’s just where I keep them. I’m waiting on the manager to come and interview me for the job, hanging out up front, probably looking nervous.

A customer walks up to me.

Customer: “Can you tell me where [item] is?”

Me: “I don’t work here, but I know those are just around the corner. I shop here a lot, and I love [item]!”

I take the customer there and point it out.

After that, I meet up with the manager. The interview goes pretty well, though I’m super nervous.

We’re talking about details and follow-up as I make my way toward the front, where the checkouts are, and the customer I helped points me out.

Customer: “There! She helped me find this!”

I was hired that instant.

Many years ago, I used to travel frequently for business. This was back in the days when women in business wore suits. I had a blue suit with a white blouse and a red bow tie that apparently looked a bit too much like a major airline’s flight attendant uniform.

One evening, when I was flying home after a long day at a client’s, I didn’t have time to change before I boarded the flight. I’d had a lot of coffee that day and had to keep getting up to pee. Every time I did, someone would stop me and ask for a drink, a pillow, or a blanket. I had to keep telling them I wasn’t a flight attendant. This one guy stopped me for a drink more than once, and I finally got so annoyed that I said, “Get it yourself!” and continued into the bathroom.

While in the bathroom, I figured I would stop the madness by undoing my bowtie, untucking my blouse, and unbuttoning the blouse down to where you could practically see my bra. I figured nobody would mistake me for a flight attendant in such an unkempt state.

When I emerged, a man wearing a suit — whom I noticed had been sitting behind the drinks guy — rushed up to me. He shoved a business card in my hand which said something about being an executive for that airline.

Man: “Button your blouse right now and bring that man a drink!”

I paused, reared back, looked him right in the eye, and said:

Me: “F*** OFF!” 

It was, by far, the best “f***off” I have ever delivered. Man, I said it with FEELING! He sputtered in apoplexy, but I just pushed past him and continued down the aisle.

I saw him angrily stalk up to the flight attendants, who apparently informed him that I was not, in fact, a flight attendant but a passenger. He looked sheepish and returned to his own seat without even glancing at me.

A little while later, one of the flight attendants came over and apologized.

Attendant: *Whispering* “We’ve been wanting to say that to him for years. You’re our hero!”

And she gave me free drinks for the rest of the flight.

I was walking through a warehouse store, wearing a red T-shirt. Red and white are the store’s colors. A man was having difficulty operating the self-checkout. He asked me to come over.

Me: “I am so sorry, sir, but I do not work here,”

I kept going.

About five minutes later, I was passing by again and saw a manager helping him. He caught my eye.

Man: “And her! That one! She wouldn’t even help me!”

I stopped

Manager: “Sir, she does not work here.”

Man: “I know! She did nothing for me. Look at her, just wandering around like she’s shopping! She does not work!”

I had just finished playing a few hours of “Demon’s Souls” when my Min Pin [Miniature Pinscher] started to beg for some attention. It was around 3:00 pm, so she was probably hungry. I grabbed my keys and drove a few blocks to my local [Supermarket Chain]. I just needed puppy food and a bottle of Tapatio hot sauce to complete my shopping for today.

I grabbed the puppy food first and then headed for my hot sauce. As luck would have it, there was only one left, but it was on the top shelf, and in the back corner. I’m 5’10”, and I have a pretty good reach, but this one was a bit too far for me. I looked around for an employee but could not find one. I decided to just hang tight and simply ask a normal customer who was tall if they would not mind lending me a hand. The first guy who walked by my area happened to be tall, and I decided to ask for help.

Me: “Hi. Sorry to bother you—”

Guy: *Cutting me off* “I don’t work here.”

Me: “Sorry, I know you don’t work here. I was just wondering if you would be so kind as to lend me a hand. You are taller than me, and I am not able to reach a bottle. Would you be able to assist me?”

I figured that if I told him I understood that he was not an employee and that I was simply asking for a quick hand from another human being, he might be cool with it. Wrong.

Guy: *In the d****iest way possible* “H*** no.”

Me: “Okay, no worries. Thank you.”

I figured he was under no obligation to help me, so don’t be rude, and don’t say anything else.

The next time a person walked by, I asked the same question, and they said sure, no sweat, and handed me the bottle. I thanked them for the help, and off I went to pay for everything.

The fifteen-items-or-less line was long, so it took me a bit to get out of the store. When I got to my car, the tall guy from before was struggling to open the trunk of his car and not drop all his groceries; he had tried to carry a bunch of bags in both arms and also carry a few boxes on top, using his chin to hold them down. He was a few moments away from toppling over and losing his eggs and fruit bag when he noticed someone nearby — me.

Guy: “Quick, I’m about to lose my grip! Please help.”

I stopped. I am guessing he knew what was coming from his expression.

Me: “I don’t work here”

I unlocked my car, and as I was getting in, I heard something hit the ground and the guy started yelling something. I don’t know what he said because I was too busy not giving a single F about that p***k. I did see in my rearview mirror that his eggs were splattered on the ground, and some fruit was rolling away under some nearby cars.

You don’t want to help a person? That’s fine; just don’t expect help in return.

Related:
Turnabout Is Fair Play