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I Don’t Work Here, Actually Worked Here, Part 3

, | Right | February 11, 2013

(I don’t work at the store, but my uniform is similar to the store I’m at. An elderly man asks me for help and even though I’m not an employee I help him with his list. I eventually finish my shopping and step into a line. I see the old man step up behind me, so I casually step out of line so he can check out his fewer items first.)

Elderly Man: “Did you stop out of line so I could get in front of you?”

Me: “Nope, I was looking at this magazine over here.”

Elderly Man: “Well, you get right back in front of me.”

Me: “No, that’s okay; you’ve got less items than I do, so you’ll go through faster.”

Elderly Man: “Now you listen here, young lady: I’m older than you and you have to respect your elders. Now, respect me and get ahead.”

(I still refuse and because it’s his turn to check out, he has no choice but to unload his items. I unload my things behind his while the man hands the cashier clearly too much money.)

Elderly Man: “You see that insufferable young lady right there? I want you to use this money to pay for her things. Stupidly I thought she worked here, and even though she doesn’t, she helped me find all of my items and then let me go ahead of her. I want you to use that money but give her a condescending look for being such a nice girl.”

Cashier: “You want me to scold her for being kind?”

Elderly Man: “No, I want you to scold her for not listening to her elders. You give her a nice smile for being kind.”

(The man then leaves and I’m checked out.)

Cashier: “That was really the most interesting conversation I’ve ever had, and if he hadn’t paid for your items, I would have for being such an outstanding customer!”

 

I Don’t Work Here, Actually Worked Here, Part 2

, | Right | February 10, 2013

(I am a customer at the grocery store a week before Christmas, dressed very casually in a hoodie, jeans, and t-shirt. I’m waiting in the candy aisle for an employee to return, as I’ve asked her to find a specific brand for me. While I wait, I decide to be nice and help clean up fallen candy in the aisle. As I do so, a woman enters the aisle and stands 15 feet away from me but says nothing. After a minute, she finally speaks.)

Customer: “Bridge mix.”

Me: *completely baffled* “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t know what that is.”

Customer: “It’s got chocolate and nuts.”

Me: “Well, chocolate is down at that end of the aisle.”

Customer: *goes down, comes back* “It’s not there.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know, ma’am, I’m sorry. I don’t work here.”

Customer: “You don’t work here?”

(I smile and nod and go back to hanging the candy back up, thinking the exchange is over.)

Customer: “You’re stocking.”

Me: “Oh, no! I don’t work here! I’m just cleaning up the mess until the woman who is helping me gets back.”

Customer: “You don’t work here.”

Me: “Right.”

Customer: “But you’re cleaning up the shelves?”

Me: “Yes.”

(After a few moments she goes back down towards the chocolate section of the aisle to check again. I happen to look up and notice, on the highest row of candy, several bags of bridge mix.)

Me: “Ma’am? I found it!”

Customer: *comes scurrying over; sees it* “I need it about ten times bigger than that.”

Me: “Well, there are more than ten bags here.”

Customer: “What’s the price say?”

Me: *stands on tiptoe to see* “The thing is blank, so, free?”

Customer: “Typical.”

Me: “Well, I hope you find it. Happy holidays.”

Customer: “You learned something today!” *heads off*

(Eventually the employee woman came back with my candy, and I was able to go off to do the rest of my shopping. However, I kept running into Bridge Mix Woman, and every time, she would tell me, ‘You learned something today!’ That’s why I gave the woman who ACTUALLY worked there a big hug!)

 

I Don’t Work Here, Actually Worked Here

, | Right | January 23, 2013

(I am working the jewellery counter at a popular department store. As I am opening the case to show an item to a customer, a second customer walks over and pushes the first customer out of her way.)

Customer #2: “Hey! You! Do you work here?”

(I look up in surprise to see if she is joking. She’s not.)

Customer #1: *sarcastically* “No, she just wears a name tag and has keys to all the expensive stuff for the fun of it.”

Customer #2: “Well, anyway, go find someone who does, then! I need service over here!”

Me: “Someone will be with you in a moment, ma’am, but this lady was here first.”

Customer #2: “Not good enough!”

(Customer #2 storms off in the direction of the watches. Meanwhile Customer #1 stares at her as she stomps away.))

Customer #1: “Did that really just happen?”

Me: “I’m afraid so, ma’am.”

Customer #1: “Wow. I didn’t think people like that were real.”

 

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 6

, | Right | January 11, 2013

(I work as a food runner for a hospital. My job requires me to wear a tuxedo. One day after work, I stop by a nearby dollar store to get a soda. I’m sitting on the bench outside the store drinking my soda when a fancy car pulls up right in front of me. A man gets out and walks around the car.)

Man: “Ahem.”

(I look up at him and see he’s looking right at me, but I don’t do anything.)

Man: *louder* “Ahem!”

Me: “What?”

Man: “You incompetent moron! Do you need to be told how to do your job?”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Man: “That’s it, you’ve just lost your tip. Now get over here and park my car.”

(I realized he must think I’m a valet because I’m still wearing my tux.)

Me: “I don’t work here, dude. Leave me alone.”

Man: “You will address me as ‘sir’, and you will do your job right now, or I will go into that store, find your manager and have you fired for your unprofessional behavior. Look at you, drinking cola while you’re on the job! It’s because of people like you that our economy is collapsing!”

Me: “Listen, a**hole, I already told you I don’t work here. Leave me alone and park your own d*** car.”

Man: “That does it, I’m going to find your manager! You’ll be standing in line at the soup kitchen this time next week!”

(He locks his car door and storms into the store. About five minutes later, he returns with the store manager, pointing furiously at me.)

Man: “There, you see? That’s the valet who refused to park my car and insulted me! I demand that you fire him immediately!”

(The manager looks at him like he’s insane.)

Manager: “Sir, we don’t have valets. He doesn’t work here.”

Man: “I don’t want to hear your excuses! You will fire that man immediately!”

Manager: “I told you already, that guy doesn’t work for us. This is [Store].”

Man: “Have you all lost your minds? You think that because Obama’s in the White House that you can get away with not showing me the respect I deserve? You think Obama will save you after people like you destroy this country?”

(The man rants about President Obama and the “destruction of American values” for a good two minutes. The manager is too stunned to say anything. Finally the man gets back in his car and drives away. The manager looks at me and I just shrug.)

 

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 5

, | Right | January 3, 2013

(I’m a customer walking around the kitchen section of a department store.)

Woman: *aggressively* “Where are your housewares?!”

(I look around, utterly bewildered, but realize she is talking to me. We’re already standing in what I’d consider the housewares section.)

Woman: “WHERE. ARE. YOUR. HOUSEWARES?”

Me: “IN. MY. HOUSE. B****!”