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I Don’t Work Here, Actually Worked Here

, | Right | January 23, 2013

(I am working the jewellery counter at a popular department store. As I am opening the case to show an item to a customer, a second customer walks over and pushes the first customer out of her way.)

Customer #2: “Hey! You! Do you work here?”

(I look up in surprise to see if she is joking. She’s not.)

Customer #1: *sarcastically* “No, she just wears a name tag and has keys to all the expensive stuff for the fun of it.”

Customer #2: “Well, anyway, go find someone who does, then! I need service over here!”

Me: “Someone will be with you in a moment, ma’am, but this lady was here first.”

Customer #2: “Not good enough!”

(Customer #2 storms off in the direction of the watches. Meanwhile Customer #1 stares at her as she stomps away.))

Customer #1: “Did that really just happen?”

Me: “I’m afraid so, ma’am.”

Customer #1: “Wow. I didn’t think people like that were real.”

 

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 6

, | Right | January 11, 2013

(I work as a food runner for a hospital. My job requires me to wear a tuxedo. One day after work, I stop by a nearby dollar store to get a soda. I’m sitting on the bench outside the store drinking my soda when a fancy car pulls up right in front of me. A man gets out and walks around the car.)

Man: “Ahem.”

(I look up at him and see he’s looking right at me, but I don’t do anything.)

Man: *louder* “Ahem!”

Me: “What?”

Man: “You incompetent moron! Do you need to be told how to do your job?”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Man: “That’s it, you’ve just lost your tip. Now get over here and park my car.”

(I realized he must think I’m a valet because I’m still wearing my tux.)

Me: “I don’t work here, dude. Leave me alone.”

Man: “You will address me as ‘sir’, and you will do your job right now, or I will go into that store, find your manager and have you fired for your unprofessional behavior. Look at you, drinking cola while you’re on the job! It’s because of people like you that our economy is collapsing!”

Me: “Listen, a**hole, I already told you I don’t work here. Leave me alone and park your own d*** car.”

Man: “That does it, I’m going to find your manager! You’ll be standing in line at the soup kitchen this time next week!”

(He locks his car door and storms into the store. About five minutes later, he returns with the store manager, pointing furiously at me.)

Man: “There, you see? That’s the valet who refused to park my car and insulted me! I demand that you fire him immediately!”

(The manager looks at him like he’s insane.)

Manager: “Sir, we don’t have valets. He doesn’t work here.”

Man: “I don’t want to hear your excuses! You will fire that man immediately!”

Manager: “I told you already, that guy doesn’t work for us. This is [Store].”

Man: “Have you all lost your minds? You think that because Obama’s in the White House that you can get away with not showing me the respect I deserve? You think Obama will save you after people like you destroy this country?”

(The man rants about President Obama and the “destruction of American values” for a good two minutes. The manager is too stunned to say anything. Finally the man gets back in his car and drives away. The manager looks at me and I just shrug.)

 

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 5

, | Right | January 3, 2013

(I’m a customer walking around the kitchen section of a department store.)

Woman: *aggressively* “Where are your housewares?!”

(I look around, utterly bewildered, but realize she is talking to me. We’re already standing in what I’d consider the housewares section.)

Woman: “WHERE. ARE. YOUR. HOUSEWARES?”

Me: “IN. MY. HOUSE. B****!”

 

Inaction Figures

, , , , , , | Right | December 12, 2012

(It is Black Friday. I’m shopping in the toy department of a store, taking a picture of an action figure that I plan on buying for a friend’s nephew. As I want to make sure the boy doesn’t have it already, I am sending the picture to my friend to check. I do not, nor have I ever worked there.)

Woman #1: *talking loudly* “It’s so busy here today! Sure would be nice if I could figure out where the Avengers figures are!”

Woman #2: “Tell me about it; I can’t find anything!”

(I write them off as overly loud and ignore them while I wait for my friend to text me back.)

Woman #1: “You know, where I work we’re not allowed to even look at our cellphones, let alone talk on one.”

Woman #2: “You’d get fired at my job for using my phone.”

Woman #1: “It’s amazing the things people think they can do on the job these days. It’s ridiculous!”

Woman #2: “I know! They think they can pretend like they’re home and get paid for it.”

(They carried on like this while I waited. Finally, I got a reply text from my friend, grabbed the toy, and walked off. About a minute later, I looked down and realized I was wearing a red fleece the same shade as the staff uniforms, and suddenly everything clicked. They were passive-aggressively trying to get my attention for the better part of five minutes. By the way, if they had turned around, they would have found what they were looking for!)


This story is part of our Black Friday roundup!

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I Don’t Work Here Does Not Work Here, Part 3

, | Right | September 9, 2012

(I used to work at this drugstore store before I left to have my child; note that the bathrooms have a lock on them to avoid theft. This take place almost two years after I’ve gone. I’ve stopped in to have lunch with a former coworker, and have my daughter in a stroller when a customer walks up to me.)

Customer: “You! I need to be let into the bathroom.”

Me: *confused* “Okay…”

Customer: “Well, aren’t you going to let me in?!”

Me: “I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve seen you here before!”

Me: “Well, I used to work here, but that was almost two years ago.”

Customer: “So, are you going to let me in?”

Me: “I can’t. I don’t know the code.”

Customer: “But you work here!”

Me: “Sir, no I don’t. I haven’t worked here in almost two years. They change the codes every six months.”

Customer: “You’re just being lazy and don’t want to work!”

Me: “Why would I be at work with my kid?”

Customer: “Don’t play games with me. Just open the d*** door!”

(At this point, an assistant manager who I know walks over.)

Assistant Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes! This lazy b**** won’t do her d*** job and open the bathroom up!”

Assistant Manager: “She doesn’t work here, and you need to watch how you speak to people.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Assistant Manager: “Now I have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT!”

Assistant Manager: “Yeah, I can. The bathroom is for paying customers only.”

Customer: “Then I’ll buy something!”

Assistant Manager: “That ship has sailed. I suggest you go next door to the fast food restaurant.”

Customer: “I’LL SUE YOU!”

Me: “For what exactly? Badgering another customer because you have some delusion that we are keeping the bathroom all to ourselves?”

Customer:“You can’t talk to me like that! I DEMAND she be fired!”

Assistant Manager: “You want me to fire someone who doesn’t work here?”

Customer: “WHY WON’T ANY OF YOU DO YOUR JOBS?!” *runs out of the store, screaming about the bathroom*