The Grid Truth

, , , , , | | Right | June 18, 2019

(I am working the checkout when a young boy, about five years old, comes up with me to buy a few “Tron Legacy” toys. I’m also a fan of the “Tron” movies, so I start to talk to him about it.)

Me: “I guess you like Tron, then?”

Boy: “Yeah! I love it! They are gonna make a second one!”

Me: “Well, technically, Tron Legacy is the second one. The first one is about as old as I am.”

(The boy just looks at me with shock.)

Boy: “But you’re ANCIENT!”

(I look at his mother, who is in shock that her little boy has called me ancient, as I am not that old. She also begins to turn red out of embarrassment until I burst out laughing. The little boy buys his toys and leaves with his mother, and I turn to my manager while still laughing.)

Manager: “If you’re ancient, what does that make me, then?”

(That little boy made me forget about all the abuse I get at work, and still makes me laugh now.)

The Walking Birds Brought Friends

, , , , , , , | Working | December 23, 2018

(I work in a large, open-plan office. A colleague sitting on the bank of desks next to mine starts singing “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”)

Colleague: “FIIIIVE GOOOOLD RIIINGS! Four walking birds, three walking birds, two walking birds, and a partridge in a pear tree.”

Me: *almost crying with laughter* “I really don’t think that’s how it goes.”

Five-Year-Old Sees Dead People, All The Time, And Puts Them On Her Get-Well-Soon Cards

, , , , , , | Related | November 17, 2018

(My dad is in hospital, so, whilst looking after my nieces, I have them make get-well cards for him. The following exchange takes place between the two youngest girls, aged seven and five.)

Seven-Year-Old: *pointing to the drawing in her sister’s card* “What’s that?”

Five-Year-Old: “It’s a monster greeting a spider.”

Seven-Year-Old: “Why did you put a monster on granddad’s card?”

Five-Year-Old: “Well, I don’t know! It’s wearing a party hat!”

(The five-year-old also covered her card with blue hearts, which she told me were for all the family members who have died; just the thing for a get-well card.)

The Spider, The Penguin, And The Cupboard Prove To Be Less Successful Than Lions, Witches, And Wardrobes

, , , , , , | Related | November 16, 2018

(I’m looking after my nieces, who are all playing games on their tablets. My youngest niece likes playing a game where she can populate a virtual house with people, animals, and accessories. The following exchanges take place on two different days.)

Five-Year-Old: “These are my dogs. I have lots of them.”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Five-Year-Old: “I trapped this dog’s tail in the cupboard, though.”

Me: “How did that happen?”

Five-Year-Old: “Her tail was sticking out when I put her in the cupboard.”

Me: “Why was she in the cupboard?”

Five-Year-Old: “Because there isn’t room anywhere else.”

(A few seconds later:)

Five-Year-Old: “Look! I have horses, too.”

Seven-Year-Old: “Why don’t you put a horse in the cupboard so there’s room for the dog?”

Five-Year-Old: *suddenly indignant* “Because it won’t fit!”

(The next day, they are playing this game again.)

Five-Year-Old: “Look at my house!”

Me: “Is this the house where you have a dog in the cupboard?”

Five-Year-Old: *scrolls across to the cupboard, and opens it* “There isn’t a dog in there. It’s a penguin.”

(A few seconds later:)

Five-Year-Old: “I’m putting a spider in the freezer.”

(I’m truly afraid for when she gets her own house.)

Don’t Get Your Hose All Up In A Twist

, , , , , | Right | July 5, 2018

(I work in a sales office, selling industrial hose and fittings. If a customer doesn’t know exactly what they are looking for, we are required to ask certain questions to determine the specification. Due to the nature of the product, the company could get into a lot of trouble if we sell something that is not up to the job. I receive an email enquiry from a customer with a picture attached, showing an enormous engine with a bit of hose clamped on to it, but no specifications. The following exchange occurs via email.)

Customer: “Can you source the textured pipe on this photo that goes over the gearbox?”

Me: “Could you please provide more information on the required hose?

  • Hose ID and length
  • Working pressure
  • Working temperature, and surrounding temperature
  • What is going through it
  • Is it for suction or delivery?”

Customer: “It’s in the picture.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we need the hose specification in order to select the best hose for the application. Without the information requested, we cannot make an offer.”

Customer: “With the greatest of respect, if I knew that, I wouldn’t need to email my hose supplier! No worries; I’ll look elsewhere.”

(I certainly wish that customer luck in finding a supplier willing to sell him a hose with no specification!)