They’re Really Desperate To Get People Into Writing Club

, , , , , , | Learning | October 15, 2019

(I am a middle school teacher. We have announcements every day at the end of school. The principal is making an announcement about our new writing club and this is what I hear:)

Principal: “Do you like writing or kind of like writing? The join our writing club! Join others to create short stories, p*rn, and other fun things!”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Students: “Poems. She said poems.”

(The students definitely heard the same thing I did, too. The principal might want to enunciate a bit more!)


This story is part of our Poetry roundup!

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Logo Away

, , , , | Right | October 9, 2019

(Here’s the background story: we are currently building a website for one of the clients. This website will include their logo. This is a logo which they own and designed; we did not make this logo for them. When asked for the file, the client sends over a low-res .jpg file. We use the file; it is kind of grainy but not too horrible.)

Client: “Can you increase the logo size by 150%?”

Me: “Yes, we can; however, it will look grainy.”

Client: “Why will it look grainy?”

Me: “The file you submitted is too low-res. If you can provide us an eps file or a high-res version of the photo, we will be more than happy to increase the logo to 150% of the current size.”

Client: “If I have to enlarge the photo myself to get it right then don’t worry about it. I thought you guys had the capabilities to do a basic graphic design work in house.”

Me: “What you are asking is for us to recreate your logo, of which we are more than capable. However, there’s an additional charge for that service. All I’m asking is for the original high-res file or eps file.”

Client: “YOU ARE ASKING ME TO DO TOO MUCH WORK!”

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Worming Her Way Out Of A Ticket

, , , , , , | Legal | October 1, 2019

(It’s about 9:00 pm on a Sunday night when my three-year-old comes to tell me she has bugs in her poop. At first, I ignore her because she’s also recently claimed the “bugs under her skin” have been “controlling” her this last week and that’s why she’s been acting out a little. After a little while, I go and look, and it turns out the kid is right; she’s got pinworms. I quickly load her in the car and start driving to the nearest pharmacy for medicine. We hardly leave our apartment before I see red and blue lights behind me. I pull over immediately, freaking out because at 25, this is the first time I’ve ever been pulled over. The officer comes out, asks for the usual, and adds on:)

Officer: “You’ve got a tail light out, ma’am. Mind telling me why you and the little one are out so late?”

Daughter:*super happy voice* “I’ve got butt worms, Offser, and we need medicine, ’cause the butt worms are itchy!”

(The officer couldn’t stop laughing for a good five minutes. He did give me a warning, just so I could show any other officers that might have stopped me, but we got home fine, and I was able to fix the light, and my kid’s “butt worms.”)

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You Can Appoint The Exact Moment The Sale Died

, , , , , , | Working | August 25, 2019

(Many years ago, I bought a brand-new car from the local dealership. A few months later, I began receiving phone calls from the dealership offering to appraise my now-used vehicle as a trade-in on a new car. After a while I was getting these phone calls at least weekly. Every time they called, I asked to be put on the do-not-call list. I explained that I was not planning to trade my car in anytime soon and that I didn’t want any more phone calls. The calls persisted, however, and I ended up telling them several times that if the calls continued, I would never buy from that dealership again anyway. The calls continued. Finally, fed up, I agreed to make an appointment to come in and have my car appraised. Of course, when the day and time came, I had better things to do. After the appointment time has come and gone, I receive a call from one of the salesmen at the dealership.)

Sales Guy: “Hi! I was calling to remind you that you had an appointment today for an appraisal of your [car]. Did you have an emergency that kept you from coming in?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I know I had an appointment. I just didn’t come.”

Sales Guy: “Um, you just didn’t come?”

Me: “No. I’ve asked you guys over and over to stop calling, and you kept calling, so I just decided to make an appointment whenever you call.”

Sales Guy: “So, you had no intention of coming in?”

Me: “Nope.”

Sales Guy: “So, you made an appointment knowing you wouldn’t come in?!”

Me: “Yep.”

Sales Guy: “You can’t do that!”

Me: “I can and I did and I will every time one of your guys calls me again.”

Sales Guy: “But you’re wasting our time!”

Me: “Then stop calling me. When a paying customer tells you they don’t want any more of your solicitation calls, especially when the calls are coming multiple times per week, maybe listen?!”

(The calls stopped after that, and my next car was a different brand.)

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An App-allingly Inefficient Way To Purchase

, , , , , , | Right | August 13, 2019

(It’s the morning shift of a stocking day, so I usually have to put away the contents of a truck while simultaneously attending to any customers my coworkers are too busy to help. My coworkers at this time of day usually include only my manager, maybe one additional crew member, and a cook. As the early morning turns to a few hours until noon, we start getting more and more customers all at once, forcing my manager and additional crew member to call for my help to handle them all. I head to the front of the store to take out a few orders. Before I deliver to this one woman, my manager tells me that she wants to pay with her credit card. I can see more customers coming in and I know my coworkers are going to need my help with them, too, so I don’t really give it much thought. I just take it out.)

Me: *places her order on her table* “Here we are, ma’am. That’ll be $8.78.”

Woman: “I wanted to pay with my card, but it wouldn’t work. Something’s wrong with your machine. I have money on my card.”

(Our booths are installed with a card scanner that allows customers to pay for their orders before they arrive, but because we prioritize speed at our restaurant, we often stop the clock on orders before they’re ready, which causes the machine to think the order is on its way to the customer before it actually is.)

Me: “If I had to guess, the machine probably didn’t have a chance to actually do anything with your card. Let’s try again.”

(I enter in a code that lets me pull up her order and allow it to be paid for — assuming it wasn’t already paid for — and then attempt to run the card.)

Machine: *declines card*

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but your card is being declined.”

Woman: “I know I have money on it; it must be the machine.”

Me: “Well, let’s try another one, then.”

(I take the card to another machine, enter the code, and swipe the card on her order, only to get the same message.)

Me: “I’m… sorry, ma’am. While I won’t claim to know what the problem is, I can say with relative certainty that it’s not an issue with our scanners. These machines have been working on the vast majority of cards perfectly fine since yesterday.”

Woman: *accepts her card back and pulls out her phone* “Fine. I don’t carry cash on me, so I’ll pay with the app.”

Me: “Let me just get the app payment code for your order.”

(I go just behind the see-through employees-only door to pull up the information on a system-tablet. I return and gives her the number.)

Woman: “What do I do with that?”

Me: *comes to the conclusion this is her first time using the app* “You enter it into the app and the order gets paid for.”

(She spends several minutes fiddling with her phone. All the while, I can see customers pouring in. Likewise, I set up the tablet on the other side of the see-through door with the screen showing that the order hasn’t been paid yet.)

Me: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Woman: “My phone’s just taking a few minutes to download the app.”

(I was flabbergasted. The app pays by means of prepaid amounts put into a personal account. I was going to have to wait here while she downloaded the app, set up an account, and put $10 on said account before she could pay; all the while, my coworkers were scrambling, trying to juggle the influx of new customers without me. I couldn’t just leave, lest I be held responsible for anything that happened. She took twelve minutes. Anyone who works in the fast food industry knows how long twelve minutes is to coworkers and waiting customers!)

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