Make The Seat-Save Run In Less Than 12 Parsecs

, , , , | Right | November 1, 2010

(This is at a midnight showing of a newly released Star Wars movie.)

Me: “When the doors open, please go in and take your seats. You will not be allowed to save seats for people further back in line.”

(A customer waves his hand in the air like a Jedi.)

Customer: “You will let us save seats.”

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DJ Freud, Featuring The Oedipus Complexes

, , , , , , , , | Right | October 10, 2010

(I work in the beauty department and a customer comes up to me).

Customer: “I need a face wash for my son that will get rid of the semen on his face.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Are you deaf? He is too oily!”

Me: “You mean sebum?”

(The customer turned the brightest shade of red and ran out the store.)

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I Can’t Hear Myself Think

, , , , , | Right | September 2, 2010

(It’s late at night, right before closing, when the phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Auto Parts Store]. Can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I bought a car stereo from you all a few months ago, and I didn’t really like it so I gave it to my son.”

Me: “Okay.”

Caller: “Well, he didn’t like it either, so he gave it to our neighbors across the street.”

Me: “Okay…?”

Caller: “They put it in their car and right now it’s sitting in their driveway with the doors open and they’re playing their music really loud!”

Me: “Yes… Well, what do you want me to do?”

Caller: “I need you to come over here and tell them to turn it down!”

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Jurassic Lark

, , , , , , | Right | March 1, 2010

Customer: “Excuse me, but are all of these things real?”

Me: “Sorry, are you talking about the artifacts on my cart? Some of these are replicas, because the real things are too breakable to touch.”

Customer: “No, I mean the exhibit.” *points to the dinosaur exhibit*

Me: “Dinosaurs did exist millions of years ago beginning in the Triassic Period, but about 65 million years ago the dinosaurs went extinct.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I thought the museum was making it up to attract visitors.”

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Nails, Not Files

, , , , | Right | February 3, 2010

Me: “This is [Hardware Store]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, do you guys carry an Asus [followed by a long string of abbreviations and numbers] Sound Card?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: *repeats*

Me: “What is that used for?”

Caller: “So you can get sound from your speakers.”

Me: “Like on a computer?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Wrong kind of hardware, buddy.”

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