Singularly Honest

| Folsom, CA, USA | Learning | August 20, 2015

(It is my ten year high school reunion. I am 28 and have never had a girlfriend or even been on a date. My former classmates and I are seated at round tables and are being dismissed to the buffet line after the M.C. asks a question about our lives and someone at our table has the best answer (i.e. who has the most kids, who got married the earliest, who moved the farthest away, etc.) I’m pretty hungry at this point and most of the tables have gotten to go get food.)

M.C.: “Okay, next question… Who has been single the longest?”

Me: *quickly raises hand*

M.C.: “Wow. Your hand just shot right up. You know what? I’m not going to make you embarrass yourself; your table can go.”

Me: *happily gets food*

Not Very Timeshare Aware

| MN, USA | Working | August 17, 2015

(I have just started my shift and the phone rings.)

Me: “[Hotel], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

(There is no answer right away, and I repeat my greeting.)

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello? Can you hear me?”

Caller: “Hello! How are you today?”

Me: “Fine.” *pause* “How are you?”

Caller: “I am fine!”

(He then says something about timeshare properties that I do not completely catch.)

Me: “…Okay.”

Caller: “Are you interested in a vacation home?”

Me: “We’re a hotel.”

Caller: “I’m sorry?”

Me: “This is a hotel. I think you called a wrong number.”

Caller: “Oh.”

(I hung up at that point and relayed the gist of the conversation to my manager, who laughed.)

Manager: “We’re already a vacation property!”

Mom Is Not On A Roll

| Stockholm, Sweden | Related | August 14, 2015

(While my mom is extremely good at her job and normally pretty smart, she has a tendency to be rather ditzy and say some really stupid things. I’m taking a dessert course in Stockholm, and she joins me as she’s been there more than I have and knows her way around. We’re at the hotel the night before the course, and Mom insists on styling me up for the evening. She’s just styled my hair and puts the hair straightener, still plugged in, on the carpeted floor.)

Me: “Well, if the floor catches fire, it’ll be your fault.”

Mom: “Oh, that’s OK. If it starts burning, I’ll just roll over the fire!”

Me: “…Uh, I know that I said it’d be your fault, but a sacrifice like that seems a bit unnecessary.”

Mom: “No, I mean that I roll on the fire to put it out.”

Me: “Or we could use the shower hose, which sprays water and is a much better choice.”

Mom: “…But when the ground is burning, don’t you roll on it to put the fire out?”

Me: “No, Mom, that’s for when you are the one burning.”

(Mom, realizing how wrong she was, broke into a hysterical fit of laughter. She’d apparently remembered it wrong all this time and never found it strange. It was the last part that I found the most baffling; That she’d never stopped to think that rolling on a fire to put it out sounded really weird.)

The Brain Is Vacant, The Room Is Not

| Dubai, UAE | Right | July 28, 2015

(I work at the front desk of a big hotel, which is currently fully booked. One in-house guest would like to extend, but we have to decline. Finally, he comes to check out.)

Guest: “I think that what you are doing is really rude.”

Me: “How so, sir?”

Guest: “I wanted to extend my stay here, but you won’t let me.”

Me: “Yes, I am very sorry about that, but we are fully committed tonight, therefore we are not able to extend your stay. But hopefully next time, Sir.”

Guest: “But how can you possibly sell my room when I am still in there? You should ask me before you do that, so I can decide whether to stay or not.”

Me: “…”

Diving Into His Own Interpretation

| NE, USA | Related | July 27, 2015

(My father goes out of town for a family wedding. Instead of spending time with relatives his age, he decided to spend time keeping an eye on his nephew’s four-year-old daughter, my cousin. This is one of the stories he had to tell:)

Dad: *noticing her staring at a no diving sign* “Hey you reading the sign? What does it say?”

Cousin: “No diving bonk your head!”

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