Say Lullabye-bye To Sleep

| USA | Related | March 25, 2015

(My family is staying at a motel one night during a cross-country road trip. My parents, and four kids [including me] aged 5-13 are all crammed into one room. My parents have declared lights out and bedtime since we have to be up early next morning to get back on the road, but the four of us are too antsy to fall asleep and keep joking and chatting back and forth.)

Mom: *trying to get us to calm down* “All right, kids, I’ll sing you a lullaby to put you to sleep.”

(Giggles from us.)

Mom: *singing* “Go to sleeeeeep… little ones. It is dark in outer spaaaace.”

(More hushed giggles.)

Mom: “Go to sleep, my little ones. Or I will punch you in the face!”

(We all burst out laughing. Naturally it took us a bit longer to fall asleep after that and her on-the-spot lullaby is still an inside joke among our family.)

Use The Malt Wine

| Malta | Working | March 23, 2015

(My mother and I are in Malta to scatter my Maltese father’s ashes. We ask the hotel restaurant’s manager to arrange a buffet after the scattering for my father’s Maltese friends and relatives.)

Manager: “And the guests, will they be Maltese or British?”

My Mother: “Maltese.”

Manager: “Right, I’ll use the good wine.”

Might Not Be A Queen But Sure Acts Like One

| Anaheim, CA, USA | Right | March 17, 2015

(An elite member comes to the front desk and asks if he can transfer to a suite, because he can’t see the TV from his bed in his king room.)

Me: “I have a suite that becomes available on Wednesday, but it has two queen size beds instead of a king.”

Guest: “Two queens?” *dramatically unzips jacket, and points to his ‘Happy Anniversary’ Disneyland pin* “Does THIS look like someone who should get a room with two queens?”

Me: “…no?”

On The Other Side Of The Coin, No Tip For You

, | LA, USA | Working | March 12, 2015

(I used to tend bar and wait tables, so I usually overtip for decent service. While on vacation, I visit a hotel bar for a bottle of something. I receive the drink and hand the bartender the money. She gives me the appropriate bills back but not the coins.)

Me: “This change isn’t correct.”

Bartender: “Oh, did you want your coin change, too?”

Me: “…Well, yes.”

Bartender: *gives me the coins*

(Instead of my usual generous tip, I left her nothing.)

Sub-par Subway Humor

| Washington, D.C., USA | Right | March 12, 2015

(A man and his nervous looking wife approach.)

Man: “Hello, we’d like to get information on how to ride the subway around?”

Me: “Sure. To ride the subway you have to purchase a ticket from the machine there.”

Wife: “It’s safe around here, isn’t it?”

Me: “Of course.”

Wife: “I don’t believe it!”

Man: “Honey, it is perfectly fine.”

Me: *deciding to kid her* “Actually, you must be careful. Sometimes the subway trains will spit you out if you don’t board them fast!”

(The man starts laughing and his wife looks like she might faint.)

Me: “I’m kidding. They don’t do that!”

Wife: *not listening* “I’m going home!” *runs off*

Me: *to man* “Gee, good thing I didn’t say anything about the ticket price. Now, that’s scary.”

(He stopped laughing.)

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