A Dog Is For Life, Not Just For Valentine’s Day

| Canada | Romantic | March 7, 2016

(My boyfriend had promised to buy me a puppy and a vibrator (on separate occasions), which he voided out when we broke up. We’re back together again and this is the newest instance of a string of similar conversations.)

Boyfriend: “So, tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day.”

Me: “Yup.”

Boyfriend: “Do you want anything?”

Me: “Hmm… chocolate?”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

Me: “And a puppy.”

Boyfriend: “Uh huh.”

Me: “And a vibrator.”

Boyfriend: “Right. Are you planning on combining those three things in some way?”

Me: *offended tone* “No, of course not.”

Boyfriend: “Good.”

Me: “If I was, I’d have asked for peanut butter, not chocolate.”

Boyfriend: “…You’re so gross.”

Suffers From Bad Timing

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Right | March 2, 2016

(I work in a hotel that offers a complimentary shuttle to the local area from 7 am to 10 pm. At 6:30 in the evening a guest comes down to inquire about our service.)

Me: “Hi! How can I help you?”

Guest: “What time does the seven o’clock shuttle leave?”

(After a brief moment of silence.)

Me: “The seven o’clock shuttle normally leaves at seven o’clock.”

Guest: “Okay, so that’s seven pm right?”

Me: “Yes. The seven o’clock shuttle leaves twice a day. One at seven am and the other at seven pm.”

Guest: “I thought your shuttle runs more than that.”

Me: “It does, but it would no longer be the seven o’clock shuttle. Instead it would be the eight or nine o’clock one depending on when it was leaving.”

Guest: “Oh, I see. I didn’t realize you had more than one shuttle.”

(I remained silent as the guest walked away.)

Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 25

| OR, USA | Right | March 1, 2016

(I work front desk at a hotel.)

Me: “Front desk. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Guest: “Yes, I was just wondering if you could maybe turn down the wifi?”

Me: “I’m sorry… Could you repeat your question?”

Guest: “Yeah, could you please turn the wifi down?”

Me: “I’m sorry; you want me to turn the wifi down? Are you having trouble connecting to the Internet?”

Guest: “No, I want it off!”

Me: “Well, I can’t turn it off; otherwise the other guests won’t have any Internet either.”

Guest: “Well, could you at least turn it down a bit, then?”

Me: “If you don’t want any Internet you can simply disconnect any devices you have from the wifi, but I can’t turn it down.”

Guest: *grunts and gives a deep sigh* “Okay, obviously you have no idea what wifi is.”

(The guest hangs up and a few hours later he comes up to the front desk and wants to check out a day early.)

Me: “Was there something wrong with the room that I could help you with?”

Guest: “Yeah, I want to get out of here because your d*** wifi is so strong! Maybe you should turn it down a bit so people can get some rest!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I really don’t understand what you mean.”

Guest: “I’m leaving because I have a headache! If you had just turned down the f***ing wifi like I asked my head wouldn’t hurt so much!”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

(The guest left in a rage and when I told my manager what had happened he laughed and agreed that he had no idea what was wrong with that guy.)

 

Giving Your Parents A Dressing Down

| Virginia Beach, VA, USA | Related | February 28, 2016

(My family and I are in Virginia Beach for my grandparents’ 30th anniversary. We are getting ready to go to where they are renewing their vows, and my parents are insisting that we dress up.)

Me: *as my dad is tying my tie* “Why do I have to dress up? Why can’t I just wear a nice polo and some khakis or something?”

Dad: “Because we are pretty much going to a wedding, so we need to dress up.”

Me: *reluctantly* “Okay.”

(We go out into the hall to wait for my grandparents, after a few minutes my grandpa comes out wearing EXACTLY what I described.)

Grandpa: *completely serious* “What are you guys so dressed up for?”

Me: *gives my parents an “I told you so!” look*

The Dookie’s Of Hazard

| FL, USA | Related | February 22, 2016

(There’s no smoking in the hotel rooms, so my mom’s outside smoking a cigarette. We like to tease our mom that she’s secretly smoking pot.)

Sister #1: “Hey, [Sister #2], when Mom comes back in, ask her why she was smoking a doobie.”

Sister #2: “What?”

Me: “We promise we’re not making you say anything bad. She’ll probably either think it’s hysterical or ask us what we’re telling you.”

(Mom comes back in.)

Sister #2: “Mom, why are you smoking a dookie?”

Mom: “What?! What are you both telling her?!”

(We had to explain to her over our own hysterical laughter that that wasn’t quite what we’d told her to say.)

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