Eons ago, in the pre-Internet days, I worked as a hotel clerk. The power went out due to a thunderstorm. I couldn’t check anyone in or out. I had a sign, big as my behind, on the counter saying just that.

A woman, her husband, and their kid walked in.

Woman: “How long is the power going to be out?”

Me: “Ma’am, sorry, but I have no idea.”

Woman: “Are there any other hotels nearby that have power?”

Me: “Ma’am, sorry, but I have no idea.”

Woman: “How long is the storm going to last?”

Me: “Ma’am, sorry, but I have no idea.”

Woman: “How much further do we need to drive to get out of the storm?”

That did it. I went to the phone, grabbed it, and said:

Me: “Hello, God? This is [My Name], calling from the [Hotel]. I have questions about the storm!”

I got written up, and it was worth it.

A couple comes down in the evening to the front desk:

Woman Guest: “Do you know of any bars where we could get a glass of wine?”

I don’t drink much but I do know a few nice bars and am going to mention them when the guy says:

Man Guest: “A sports bar.”

Me: “I know a couple, but I’m not positive they serve much wine.”

They gave me an internal scoff look.

Woman Guest: “Well, is it quiet at least?”

Me: “In my experience, people are playing pool and it’s a sports bar, so not exactly quiet.”

Woman Guest: “But don’t you know of a sports bar that doesn’t have people playing pool? We just want a quiet place to have some wine.”

Me: “I’m afraid I do not. The few sports bars I’ve been to have pool tables and it’s not quiet… because it’s a sports bar.”

I don’t say the last part, but they looked at me like I am dumb. I offer a few suggestions for some nice bars that I’ve been to that while are quiet, aren’t sports bars.

Woman Guest: “Well, that’s not what we asked.”

Man Guest: “Thanks for your “help”.”

He says “help” in air quotes and walks off shaking his head like I’m some philistine.

I look up their folio and there are a bunch of preferences marked with additional comments added by the booking agent: quiet room, no one above us or… next to us. I could hear the snark in the booking agent’s comments!

I’m sorry, your majesties.

We have just started branding ourselves as a pet-friendly hotel and the wave of fake service animals has been mind-boggling. Management has now encouraged us to be more confrontational with these guests. We now HAVE to ask the purpose/task provisions and establish whether or not a pet qualifies, including the distinction of ESAs (emotional support animals) versus regular service animals.

That said, a good majority of guests with ESAs end up agreeing that they are not service animals and pay our pet fee.

Today though, a guest became the bad example that I will refer to for times to come. I’m no stranger to bull-s***tery, but this guy was ADVANCED.

Me: “Welcome! Could you provide an ID and reservation number please?”

Guest: “Yes, I’d also like to let you know that I have a service animal with me today. I do have paperwork, but I’m not required to provide it by federal waw.”

Me: “That’s perfectly alright, but may we ask what service your dog provides?”

Guest: “ESA.”

Me: “I’m sorry, could you elaborate a bit more?”

Guest: “It’s an ESA. It’s in the name. I’m not sure what you mean.”

Me: “What does that stand for?”

Guest: “Emotional Support Animal. Again, I don’t have to disclose anything unless it’s the FAA asking before a flight. Refer to State Penal Code Section 1800. Why are you asking me these questions when it’s against the law to ask for documentation?”

Me: “I’m only allowed to ask a set of two questions, sir, they help to verify service animal status and allow us to provide absolute access to the owner and animal.”

Guest: “I’ll show my documentation if you want but it’s illegal. Why is this a problem?”

At this point, I’m kind of flabbergasted. This guy is so defensive and deceitful of the rip… and it’s only been four days since we started accepting pets in.

He drops some more reasons why it’s a service dog. We just smile and move on.

After the guest left, I spoke with the agent and validated his decision to proceed without argument. I understand that challenging this bad behavior is the solution to stopping it, but this dude seemed like he’d make a whole lot more trouble than what a pet fee was worth.

I am a night auditor for a hotel. I come in tonight and for some reason, our general manager is here, long past his usual check-out time. He asks me to come talk to him in the office and has a whole little speech ready to go.

General Manager: “Hey there, [My Name]. I want you to know from the start how much I appreciate you. We’ve had so much trouble keeping people on the second shift and you’ve been really great with covering those hours. Everyone has appreciated you stepping up and understands it’s been really dragging on you. But there’s no excuse for drinking beer at the front desk. Thankfully none of the guests have seen you drinking, but it’s not a good road to start down. I’ve seen plenty of great night auditors like you end up in serious trouble and it all starts with a couple of beers during your shift. You’re better than that and we want you to be the best. So please get rid of the beer you have left in the fridge and clock in.”

Me: “Wait a second, what beers?”

General Manager: “The four beers left in the fridge. I want them dumped out and in the trash before you start work tonight.”

Me: “You mean my ginger beer?”

General Manager: “I don’t care what it’s made from, drinking on the job isn’t going to help anything.”

I go to the fridge, grab one of my ginger beers and hand it to my boss.

Me: “It’s ginger beer, not much different than root beer, but made with ginger. There’s no alcohol in it at all and I’ve been drinking it to help with my congestion.”

My boss examines the can, reading everything on it until he sees “NON-ALCHOLIC SODA” printed under the ingredients. He tosses me back the can and says nothing. I clock in and I’m doing the count like usual when he leaves. On his way out he apologizes and does his best to avoid eye contact.

One fine evening, I am about to do my nightly rollover, when one of my no-shows shows up. Not a problem; happens a lot. They are a happy young couple, whose arrival was delayed by nasty weather on the pass. Paperwork is shuffled, and I am making the keys…

Woman Guest: “Does the room have a bathtub? I’m really sore.”

I smile reassuringly.

Me: “Oh, not to worry. All of our rooms have bathtubs in this hotel.” *I look at the registration card in my hand.* “…Except yours. You’ve booked our ADA-accessible room with a roll-in shower.”

Seeing their faces fall, I am quick to reassure again.

Me: “No, no, no worries, I can just switch you to a different room… Oh, you prepaid online. We aren’t supposed to change room types with those.”

I give them my best ‘I am about to do something naughty’ grin.

Me: “Unless something is wrong with the room, and we don’t have any other rooms of that type.”

There follows some shuffling of paperwork, a couple of deft clicks of the mouse, and new keys made.

Me: “There we go, all settled. Ahem, I am officially very sorry that we couldn’t accommodate you in your original booking of a single queen room with an ADA-compliant roll-in shower, and I have instead switched you to a Single King Deluxe, with a tub, at no additional charge to you. Very sorry about the ‘plumbing issue’.”

They have delighted smiles as I hand them the keys.

Woman Guest: “Plumbing issue?”

Me: “Well, the missing tub, of course! Sleep well!”

I thought the young lady was going to pass out laughing.