(I’m working front desk at a hotel when I see two cabs pull up in front of the hotel at the same time. The first cab has no passenger in it, but the driver get out and opens the back door, suddenly looking very confused. The second cab unloads a passenger and her suitcase from the backseat. She says something to the first driver as she’s walking in. The first driver suddenly looks embarrassed, jumps back in his cab, and drives away quickly. The woman is laughing as she comes in the door.)

Me: “Welcome to [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Woman: “Did you see that guy! We followed him all the way from the airport! He was in the front of the taxi queue when I got there but the whole time he was supposed to be helping me he was on his phone. Even when I tried to tell him where I was going he didn’t get off his stupid phone! Finally I got his attention enough to tell him the address here but then he just sat there talking. So I got out and got in the cab behind him. Apparently he didn’t hear me because he came all the way here without noticing I got out!”

(It’s about 30 miles from the airport to our hotel, making it a $50 cab fare. The guy drove the whole trip with no passenger because he was so distracted on his phone!)

(I’m the night auditor at a small hotel. It’s four am, and a thunderstorm is passing through the area. The phone at the front desk rings.)

Me: “Front desk. How can I help you?”

Caller: “What was that loud noise that woke me up?”

Me: “There’s a thunderstorm going through the area right now.”

Caller: “Can you make it stop?”

Me: “Ma’am, if I could control the weather, I would rule the world.”

(I’m new, and I have just finished helping a guest with directions to his room. He disappears into the elevator, and after a few minutes, returns.)

Guest: “That elevator is BROKEN!”

Me: “Huh? What do you mean, sir?”

Guest: “I mean, I went in there, pressed the button for my floor, and the elevator went to my floor but the DOORS didn’t OPEN!”

Me: “Did you turn around?”

Guest: “Turn around?!”

Me: “Yes. The doors open behind you.”

(The guest stares at me, and then disappears back into the elevator. He doesn’t return.)

Coworker: “Wow. In the five years I’ve been working here, that is the first time that has happened…”

(My brother and I look nothing like one another. We are in a hotel bar in Oman in the 1990s, talking to a large Australian gentleman.)

Gentleman: “So, where did you two fellers meet then?”

Me: “Well, actually, we’re brothers.”

Gentleman: “Oh, I see. Like that, is it? Guess it’s got to be difficult for you folks living in a conservative Arab state.”

Me: “You mean, for related people to be in the same country?”

Gentleman: “Yeah, yeah. Like that. It’s got to be hard. In your situation I’d tell people I was sharing a room with my—” *air quotation marks* “—’brother,’ too.”

Me: “Um… Yeah, except we really are brothers. Same parents and everything.”

Gentleman: *with a wink* “Yeah, kid. Stick to your story…”

(I get a call around 2 am from a caller not staying at the hotel. I’m not busy so I help her anyway. The caller is articulate, but not exactly polite.)

Caller: “I’m looking for a bar to the right of your hotel.”

Me: “[Bar] is out in front of our building. Is that what you mean?”

Caller: “NO! The one to the RIGHT of your hotel!”

Me: “Ma’am, there is only a river on the right hand side of our building. If you give me even part of a name or any more information I can probably find it for you.”

Caller: “Look. Can you ask someone else? I know it’s there.”

(We go back and forth about this for a good ten minutes in which she escalates to saying that people like me shouldn’t have jobs. She laughs at me and demands she be transferred to a slightly fancier hotel a few miles away.)

Caller: “Just transfer me to [Other Hotel]! THEY’LL know what I’m talking about.”

Me: “With all respect, they are not near here and are unlikely to know about bars in this area.”

Caller: “JUST TRANSFER ME!”

(I do, and after fifteen minutes I call the other hotel to apologize for sending her to them. The employee at the other hotel cracks up laughing immediately at mention of the woman.)

Employee: “Oh, my god! She was crazy! I told her I didn’t know of any bar around there and she told me that she was going to ‘take this to the press!'”