(Due to various circumstances I find myself finishing work at 2:30 am one night. The rest of my team is travelling on to a different job, and are going nowhere near the hotel I’m checked in to. I’ve already tried the taxi number I was given at the hotel, but there are no cars available. I try over twenty more numbers given to me by Google, but the only company that answers doesn’t have anything available to go to a small, rural town to collect just one person. I decide that I can walk the eight miles back to the hotel instead. It’s unlit most of the way, and about two-thirds of the way there I end up on a road without a pavement, but I make it safely in just under two-and-a-half hours. The night receptionist is outside smoking when I arrive. We chat for a bit, and I explain what I’ve just done.)

Me: “Breakfast, then a nap, then home, I think. What time’s checkout?”

Receptionist: “It’s at noon, but… Yeah, do you want a later checkout?”

Me: “Nah, work won’t pay for it.”

Receptionist: “I’ll put it in as a freebie. You’ve earned it.”

Me: “Well…”

Receptionist: “You’ve just walked farther in one night than I will in a month. There! You’re booked in for a 2:00 pm checkout. Plenty of time for breakfast and a nap.”

Me: “Thanks!”

(I got enough sleep to manage the three-hour train journey home safely, thanks to that receptionist.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I need directions to your hotel! I am lost!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you know where you are at this moment? On a specific highway? Do you see any signs?”

Caller: *starts telling me street names and buildings she’s passing*

Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry; I don’t know where that is. You need to go onto I-35 North, toward Austin.”

Caller: *gets frustrated* “You are horrible at giving directions. How are you working at a hotel and can’t even give me directions to your location!?”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but I don’t recognize any street names you’re naming. San Antonio is pretty big.”

(After about fifteen minutes of me trying to tell her which general direction to go and her getting frustrated with me:)

Caller: “Ugh, I’m never coming to San Diego again!”

Me: “Ma’am, you’re calling me in San Antonio. I don’t know directions in San Diego.”

(A gentleman storms in angrily through the door.)

Guest: “I am furious! I parked my car under the tree and birds s*** all over it!”

(I almost start laughing but I realize he is serious.)

Me: “I am so sorry, sir.”

Him: “You need to put signs on the trees warning about the birds pooping on cars.”

Me: “Sir, you want us to put signs on every tree warning not to park there because there are pooping birds in the trees?”

(I work housekeeping at a motel. One day, there is a terrible snowstorm. A coworker and I are chatting with a truck driver who has stopped for the night.)

Trucker Driver: “I don’t like [Sleazy Motel down the road]. There’s too many lizards.”

Me: “Lizards? In the wintertime?”

(The truck driver and coworker just gave me a look. About 25 years later, I finally got it. And for those who don’t know, a “lot lizard” is a prostitute that caters primarily to truck drivers.)

(It is Star Wars day this week, so the hotel where I work has decided to do a themed dinner. There are a lot of kids who are coming, so as a special treat the owner decides to show Episode One. My friends and I are big nerds and have our own costumes for conventions. When we hear about the dinner, we offer our costumes so the kids can get their pictures taken for free with Darth Vader, a stormtrooper, and Princess Leia. We also offer a Q&A session. The kids are having a great time. An older, visibly annoyed customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes, sir? How can I help?”

Customer: “Would it be possible to change the film to a good one?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I’m afraid I can’t. Can I ask the reason why you would like it changed? Perhaps there might be something I can do?”

Customer: “First of all, the kids aren’t even paying attention.” *points to two kids playing with lightsabers on the other side of the room* “Besides, this new generation needs to be educated on the classics.”

Me: “Sir, most of the kids are paying attention to the film. In fact, it’s only those two who are playing who aren’t paying attention. We chose this film especially because of the large number of kids that have come.”

Customer: “The originals are far better than this s***!”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to watch your language.”

Customer: “F*** you. I’m not done yet.”

Me: “Sir! There are young children around! Please stop swearing!”

(The customer stand up, grabs my shirt, and pulls me close to his face. I can smell a large amount of alcohol on his breath, and I’m starting to get a little bit scared.)

Customer: “You listen to me. I will say what I want, where I want.” *lets me go* “Now, go and get the manager so I can talk to someone who’s intelligent.”

(I get the manager. He is dressed up as a stormtrooper.)

Customer: “Finally, someone who’s a true fan. I’m sure you can understand wanting to change the film. That costume is fantastic. Where did you get it?”

Manager: “Sir, we will not change the film because you have been so rude. We would have been happy to change it to what you wanted once it was finished, but we’re not going to do that now. Besides, you have attacked a member of my staff. Now, please calm down and watch the film or you will be ejected from the premises.”

(The customer is still angry, but sits down.)

Customer: “You still never answered about the costume.”

Manager: “Actually, this costume belongs to the waiter you were so rude to.”

(The customer’s jaw drops by about an inch and he stares at me. In my best Darth Sidious voice, I say:)

Me: “Good. Let the hate flow through you.”

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