Convicted By His Convictions

| Right | September 30, 2013

(I work in a five-star hotel in Amsterdam. It is standard policy that guests give their credit card number upon check-in, or a cash deposit if they do not have a credit card. If they use up a lot of their credit, sometimes reception has to contact the guest for an extra cash deposit. We notice on a Saturday that a guest has completely spent his deposit on watching pay TV of a certain explicit nature. My coworker rings the guest in his room with the request that he should come down to reception to give us more cash.)

Coworker: *to me* “Well, that did not go down very well. He says he did not spend any of his deposit, and he is coming down to reception to see the bill after he is finished praying.”

(At that moment, the elevator door opens and man in full Jewish prayer garb steps out.)

Guest: “I have just been called about my bill, and I would like to see it.”

Coworker: “Sure, I have already printed it out. As you can see, you have watched TV here, here and here, and that is why your balance is so low.”

Guest: “There is no way I watched that filth! Look at me! Do I look like a man who would watch that sort of shocking thing? I don’t understand that a hotel would subject its guests to that kind of immoral muck in the first place. I don’t want anything to do with that! God-fearing people like I should be protected from accidentally zapping to those kinds of channels.”

Coworker: “Well, sir, you did not accidentally zap to that channel. You have to type your room number to activate this program. After five minutes, you get a message on screen that you have to start paying now, and type in the room number again. Then the system asks you to press the confirm button. You cannot do all that by accident. Furthermore, I can see in the records that you watched this channel on three different days for more than two hours at a time. This indicates to me that you have watched a full movie on all these occasions, so I am not satisfied that you accidentally landed on this channel for a few seconds.”

(The guest throws a few banknotes in my coworker’s face and marches off.)

Me: *to coworker* “I have a feeling this is not the end of it”.

(At that moment, the phone rings, and I can see the guest’s room number in the display.)

Me: *to coworker* “It’s your friend from the pay TV room; you’d better take this call.”

Coworker: *on the phone to the guest* “Yes, sir, you told me that you could not understand that a hotel would subject its guests to that kind of immoral muck in the first place, that you did not want anything to do with that, and that God-fearing people like you should be protected from accidentally zapping to that kind of channels. So I put the child lock on so that you did not have to be subjected to the filth anymore. Have a nice day…”

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Womb Mates Looking To Be Room Mates

| Right | September 25, 2013

(I am a nighttime desk clerk at a hotel. Two teenage boys enter.)

Older Boy: “Yeah, we’d like a room for the night.”

Me: *suspicious* “Okay, I’ll need to see some ID.”

(The older boy hands over his ID.)

Me: “This says you’re only 17. I can’t give you a room unless you’re 18, especially if you’re checking in with someone else. Besides, I can’t even tell if this is you. The picture’s all smudged out.”

Older Boy: “Oh wait, that’s not my ID. It’s my twin brother’s ID.”

Me: “Your twin brother…”

Older Boy: “Yeah! I mean, can’t you see the family resemblance?”

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Hell’s Kitchen

, , , | Working | September 23, 2013

(I work as a bar supervisor in a large hotel. The hotel has a very good restaurant that has earned many awards, and is the main reason that we get so many customers. Most of the restaurant staff is very professional and capable, but one waitress has a very bad attitude. She is often rude to her coworkers and spends half her shifts in the bathroom on her phone. She has had plenty of warnings, more than enough for the company to fire her, but she is dating one of the chefs and he has told the restaurant manager that he will resign if she is fired. One evening, after she has ditched work an hour early, I have gone in to help the restaurant staff clear up. I am the only person attending the bar, but it’s very quiet. The general manager comes in.)

General Manager: “[My Name], what are you doing in here? You’re supposed to be on the bar.”

Me: “There’s nobody in the lounge, so I came in here to help out. I can see the bar in case anybody comes for service, don’t worry.”

General Manager: “But why are you in here?”

Me: “They’re short handed, so I’m helping.”

General Manager: “What? I thought there were plenty of people on this shift!”

Restaurant Manager: “There were, but [Bad Waitress] walked out.”

General Manager: “Which one is she?”

Restaurant Manager: “The one you told me I couldn’t fire because her boyfriend would resign.”

General Manager: “Oh… yeah. Sorry, but we can’t afford to lose him.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but may I ask why not? I mean, he’s only just finished his training, and it isn’t like he’s in a position of responsibility.”

General Manager: “What do you mean? I thought she was going out with [Highly Trained and Experienced Head Chef]!”

Restaurant Manager: “No, she’s going out with [Low Ranking Chef who scraped through his college courses and keeps getting in trouble for cutting corners].”

General Manager: “Tell me you’re joking.”

Me: “No. We thought you knew.”

General Manager: “How long has it been that I’ve wanted to fire her? It must be bloody months! Well, f*** them both!”

(The waitress was fired the moment she turned up for her next shift. Her boyfriend didn’t follow through with his threat to resign, but he was fired a few months later for stealing meat from the freezer. Both were replaced within 24 hours of being fired, by much better people.)

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The Receptionists Have Checked Out

| Working | September 20, 2013

(I’m a female in my early 20s, treating myself to a fancy week in an expensive hotel. I’ve saved up for it. The receptionists take an immediate dislike to me from the get-go, probably because I’m too average for their tastes.)

Receptionist #1: “And we’ll need to take $700 from you as a deposit.”

(She and Receptionist #2 smirk at each other.)

Me: “No, I’m sorry, but I know that’s not the case. I know you only need my credit card number, and I pay the bill upon checking out; I checked your policies before I arrived.”

Receptionist #2: “FINE. Hand me your card already.”

(I hand them my card and think nothing more of it until the night before I am meant to check out. I go to an ATM to withdraw some money for food, and $700 is missing from my account, leaving me with a balance of about $20.)

Me: “You assured me you wouldn’t hold any of my money! $700 exactly is missing from my account!”

Receptionist #1: “Well it wasn’t us. Perhaps you shouldn’t have spent all of daddy’s money.”

Me: “I have nothing left. I can’t settle my room service bill. Please, check again; you’re holding my money; it’s all there. It’s all there; I can pay you the bill if you just check again.”

Receptionist #2: “You’d better call daddy, sweetie. Looks like he’ll have to bail you out.”

(I end up having to get my mother to fax her details through to cover my tiny room service bill. She has to run around and locate an office after hours, and one who even has a fax she can use. I’m humiliated as I check out, with the receptionists smirking the entire time. Upon arriving home, $700 has magically appeared in my account again. I write a scathing complaint to the head of the world-wide hotel chain, and I receive multiple apologetic emails from their head office and the hotel itself. The receptionists were suspended from their duties!)

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Parenthood Of The Traveling Rants

| Related | September 13, 2013

(I’ve been traveling abroad for several weeks, and haven’t spoken with my parents for a while. I’ve finally been able to video chat with them online. This is the first thing they both say to me.)

Dad: “Natasha, you look awful and really tired.”

Mum: “Your hair looks really manky.”

Me: “Hello to you, too.”


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