Time To Expand

| Right | January 21, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel] reservations, this is [My Name], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, do you have any rooms?”

Me: “For what night?”

Customer: “Tonight.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; we’re all sold out.”

Customer: “What do you mean, ‘sold out’?”

Me: “That means we’ve sold all of our rooms for tonight.”

Customer: “Don’t you have people who haven’t shown up yet?”

Me: “Um… yes, but they’ve held their rooms with a credit card.”

Customer: “Well, what does that mean?”

Me: “If they don’t show up, we’re authorized to charge them, and it means that we must hold their rooms.”

Customer: “So you’re telling me that you don’t have ANY rooms?”

Me: “No, sir, we don’t.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. You’re refusing to sell me empty rooms? And what hotel doesn’t have enough rooms?”

Me: “Sir, we can only build so many rooms.”

Customer: “That doesn’t make any sense. May I speak to your manager?”

Me: “I’m the manager on duty.”

Customer: “Well, you’ve been no help at all. I’m going to be calling corporate about this.”

Me: “About the fact that we’re sold out for the night?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Um… okay.”

Customer: “You’ve been very unhelpful!” *click*

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My Hand Is Bigger Than Texas

, , , | Right | January 16, 2009

(The customer is calling to book reservations for her family at a large Orlando theme park.)

Customer: “I want a hotel room with an ocean view.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; Orlando is located in Central Florida, and is not on the coast. Would you like me to book you a room with a view of the lake instead?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want a d***ed view of the lake. I know you can see the ocean from there! I’m looking at a map of Florida right now, and it’s obvious how narrow it gets there. The ocean is very close on both sides, so book me a d*** ocean view room!”

Me: “You might want to check your map for a scale. I’ve been to Florida many times, and Orlando at least an hour’s drive to the ocean. There is no way you can see the coast from the resort.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll just call another travel agent who’s actually willing to help me book what I want.”

Me: “Er… ma’am, if you can find an ocean view room in Orlando I will personally pay for your vacation out of my own pocket. Good luck with that.”

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You Look Nothing Like Your Ad

, , | Right | January 13, 2009

(A family group was checking in – one lady in the group started telling me about her husband’s recent death from cancer.)

Customer: “…and he was all eaten up with colon cancer, and he just died.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but that is really not any of my business. It seems like a very private matter….”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “I’m not comfortable hearing–”

Customer: “Are you a Christian?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “I knew it! You are evil, and will burn in Hell. I’ll speak to your manager in the morning!”

Me: “Okay. That’s fine.”

Customer: “I hope you liked your former job.”

Me: “…”

(The group went to their rooms. A few minutes later, one of the adult daughters came to the desk.)

Me: “Yes, Ma’am?”

Customer’s Daughter: “I just came down because I wanted to see what pure evil looks like.”

Me: “…”

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Thievers Can’t Be Choosers

, , | Right | December 19, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I want to complain about these towels of yours. They’re really rough and scratchy.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir… Wait a second; are you calling from outside the hotel?”

(I double-check the incoming call info, and see that it’s coming in on our toll-free line.)

Caller: “Yeah, I’m at home.”

Me: “And you’re calling to complain about towels you took from the hotel?”

Caller: “Yeah, they suck. They’re not very soft.”

Me: “Well, I certainly apologize for that, sir. If you’ll give me your name and address, I’ll have Housekeeping send you some new ones.”

(Surprisingly, he actually gave me his info; not surprisingly, he called a couple of weeks later to complain about the bill we sent him for the towels.)

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The Orlando Hillbillies

, , , , , | Right | November 19, 2008

(I work as a security officer in an upscale hotel near the big theme parks in Orlando. We get a call from one of the rooms complaining about a break-in and theft.)

Me: “Sir, you called security about a break-in? When were you out?”

Customer: “Yeah! We just got back from [Theme Park] and somebody broke in here and took all of our used towels and soaps and stuff! Looks like they went through everything!”

Me: “Sir? They took your used towels?”

Customer: “We had a buncha towels in the bathroom and a buncha shampoo and soaps are gone, too! See?! These ain’t my towels! I know because we had used ours last night and draped them over the shower curtain to dry! What kind of establishment are y’all runnin’ here?”

(I look around the bathroom; it looks tidy and neat. Clean towels are hanging on the towel rack, and new bottles of courtesy soaps and shampoos were put on the bathroom counter.)

Me: “Sir, were these your towels from home? Was anything else taken?”

Customer: “No! We gotta buncha towels with our room and now they’re gone! I know because they were wet! Somebody done been in here snoopin’ through our room!”

Me: “Sir… I believe that was housekeeping. They come in, clean up the room, see if you need any fresh towels, and give you new–”

(The man begins shouting.)


Me: “It’s called ‘Housekeeping.’ They come in and replace any toiletries you use during–”

Customer: “Well, I ain’t need no toilet treats! They coulda stole all my stuff!”

Me: “Sir… it was our maids. They come in and clean for you. There is a complimentary safe in your closet. You can lock up anything you don’t want out when our staff–”

Customer: “TELL THEM I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN MY ROOM AND GOIN’ THROUGH ALL MY STUFF! If they do it again, I’m calling the police and having all y’all arrested!”

Me: “All right, sir…”

(The customer and his family stayed a whole week in the hotel. Evidently they used the same four towels the whole time and split a one oz bottle of shampoo for four people over six days.)

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