Pissed Off (And On)

, , | Right | November 5, 2009

(I work as a plumber for a five-star hotel. One day, I get a call from a guest with a clogged toilet.)

Me: “Ah, okay… there’s probably a bunch of hair clogged deep down in these pipes.”

Customer: “Well, can you get it out?”

Me: “Yep. One sec.”

(As I reach my hand down deep in the pipes with a rooter, I don’t notice the hotel guest turn on the water. It’s separately linked, and the water won’t activate unless flushed.)

Me: “Okay, let me see if I got it…”

(I try to pull up, but my hand gets stuck.)

Customer: “You got it?! Oh, finally! I’m going to test it out, thanks!”

Me: “No, sir, I haven’t linked the pipes back toge–”

(The customer sits down and immediately lets out a thundering fart along with a large dump of diarrhea, simultaneously flushing. My head and the entire floor are soon covered with turd and piss.)

Customer: “Oh, my… Well, I expect THIS to be complimentary!”

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The Imperial Left Or The Metric Left

, , , , | Right | October 19, 2009

Guest: “How do you get to a cash machine??”

Me: “You exit the hotel, turn left, and then–”

Guest: “Turn left?”

Me: “Yes, left.”

Guest: “Left?”

Me: “Yes, left.” *pointing with my hand*

Guest: *confused* “Left… right…”

Me: “Left in England is the same as left in America.”

Guest: “Oh, okay! I get it!”

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A Customer Without Power Will Make Even Ghosts Cower After The Midnight Hour

, | Right | October 9, 2009

(A few weeks before Christmas at the hotel where I work, a huge snowstorm knocks out the power. I am working the night shift when somebody walks into the pitch-black lobby at about two in the morning.)

Customer: “What the h*** is this?! Where are the lights?”

(I’m hidden in the darkness, although I can see him clearly from the emergency light in the entrance.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Who said that? Oh, God, this place is haunted, isn’t it?”

Me: “Sir, no. I’m behind the counter. We just don’t have emergency lighting back here.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you!”

Me: “Yeah… what can I do for you, anyway?”

Customer: “I want to check in!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but nobody can check in or out until the power’s back on.”

Customer: “Why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Well, because the computers can’t run without electricity. This includes the key card initializer. Even if I could check you in by hand, I can’t make you a key to get into the room.”

Customer: “Well, fix it!”

Me: “Fix what?”

Customer: “Fix the power! God!”

Me: “Sir, half the city is suffering from a power outage right now. I can’t just fix that.”

Customer: “Sure you can! You’re a ghost! Ghosts turn lights on and off all the time!”

Me: “Sir, I think it’s in your best interest to find a hotel on the other side of town.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll call your manager, too, and tell him he shouldn’t be hiring ghosts! You are so unhelpful!” *storms out*

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Tasting Is Believing

, , | Right | September 30, 2009

(The pool I work at is run using a saltwater system instead of chlorine. I am in the process of adding salt to the pool when a hotel guest shouts at me from a poolside chair.)

Hotel Guest: “Miss! What are you putting in that pool?”

Me: “It’s just salt. It’s not dangerous to you or anyone swimming in it. In fact, it makes the water that much safer.”

Hotel Guest: “Salt? That makes no sense! No one puts salt in a pool! They put chlorine! Why are you lying to me?”

Me: “Sir, I assure you that this is nothing more than food grade salt.”

Hotel Guest: “I don’t believe you! It has to be chlorine! Get over here!”

(I walk over to the man with my bucket of salt, where he proceeds to stick his entire hand in, pick up salt, and eat it.)

Hotel Guest: “Oh… I guess it is salt. Can I have a glass of water?”

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Hear No Evil, Get Blinded By No Evil

, | Right | September 22, 2009

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to change my room. I’m on the first floor and my window faces the outside, but I like to walk around naked with the curtains open.”

(I search his face for hint of a joke, but I see none; he seems completely serious.)

Me: “Of course, sir, I can put you on the fifth floor and make sure your window doesn’t face any other rooms.”

Customer: “Thank you, that’d be great!”

(I finish the room change and proceed to help the next customer.)

Me: *to the next customer* “Can I help you, sir?”

Next Customer: “Sorry, I just had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head…”

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