The Forecast Calls For Stupid

| St Andrews, Scotland, UK | Right | January 21, 2017

(I work reception at a hotel. One afternoon, a guest calls to enquire about availability for some dates in the next few weeks. He has a lot of questions, but the last one is the best.)

Guest: “I have one last question, and I know you won’t be able to answer it.”

Me: “…okay?”

Guest: “What’s the weather looking like over there?”

Me: “Right now?”

Guest: “No, for two weeks from now. The dates I want to book.”

Me: “Umm… I’m not sure. Let me… check the BBC weather online?”

Guest: “No, I’m looking at the weather online and it says it’s going to be rainy.”

Me: “Then it’s going to be rainy!”

Guest: “NO. I want to know how hard it’s going to rain. Like, if it says ‘Rain,’ does that mean driving rain or sprinkling rain or will it even rain at all?”

Me: “Sir, if the weather forecast says it’s going to rain, then it’s going to rain. I can’t predict the weather for you.”

Guest: *sigh* “Well, I KNEW you couldn’t help me!”

That’s Your Parking Lot In Life

| Denver, CO, USA | Right | January 15, 2017

(We have two towers in our hotel, with two separate sets of elevators. There are two parking garage levels on the far side of the hotel, in the west tower; the front desk is in the east tower.)

Lady: *rushing up, dragging her suitcase, breathless* “I’m really frustrated I can’t find your parking garage!”

Me: “Okay. When you parked, did you go UP a ramp or DOWN a ramp?”

Lady: “Neither. I went out the car wash exit and around the back.”

Me: “Okay, that’s our employee lot. Go back to that green sign behind you, take a left, go ALLLLL the way down that hallway, and there’s a door that says ‘Watch Your Step.’ Go through that door and you’ll be in the correct garage.”

Lady: “So I go to the end of the hallway, turn left and it’s there?”

Me: “No. Go to the green sign that says West Tower, has an arrow on it. Turn left. Follow that hallway all the way down — it kind of jags back there — and at the end, where the elevators are, is the door you need. Don’t go up the elevators; go through the door next to them.”

Lady: *stares at me for a second, confused* “Oh, okay.”

(She turns around and starts walking. She passes the green sign.)

Me: “Ma’am? Ma’am! Left! TURN LEFT!”

(She reaches the end of the lobby and turns down the wrong hallway. A few moments later I see a coworker escorting her back through the lobby while she is berating him. Later…)

Coworker: “That lady was so rude.”

Me: “Yeah, she didn’t really follow directions too well.”

Coworker: *nonplussed* “She told me I should build easier parking lots.”

Me: “Because you’re clearly the person responsible for how our parking lot is configured.”

(My coworker is 17, and looks it.)

Throw In A Few Pun-kin Seeds

| Orlando, FL, USA | Working | January 13, 2017

(I am well-known for making puns/bad jokes. I have to go check a room for a guest that checked out but it still staying nearby, specifically looking for food and finding a few different varieties of potato chips and one stick of butter in the fridge.)

Me: “Here’s everything.”

Coworker: “They made you go into the room just for chips? Jeez, man, that’s nuts. That is completely nuts.”

Me: “No, [Coworker], they’re chips. They’re clearly chips.”

(Cue groan/half-hearted laugh from Coworker.)

Coworker: *sarcastically* “Oh, [My Name], you’re on a roll.”

Me: “I know. That’s why I brought the butter.”

As Long As It’s Not A ‘Game Of Thrones’ Themed Wedding

| Vacation | Romantic | January 9, 2017

(My boyfriend and I have been traveling, and we’re relaxing a bit before heading out for the evening. We’re discussing the most interesting weddings we’ve heard about or been invited to. It’s worth noting that ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’ is my all-time favorite book, as he well knows.)

Boyfriend: “One of my friends had a zombie wedding that was pretty cool. When they cut the cake, raspberry syrup blood oozed out.”

Me: “Nice! One of my theatre-geek friends had a Les Miserables wedding – you had to steal the bread and silverware at the reception, and a bunch of people piled up all the chairs and started singing.”

Boyfriend: “That’s pretty cool. I like the idea of literary-themed weddings.”

Me: “Ooooh, Count of Monte Cristo wedding!”

Boyfriend: “NO! We know how that one goes! It starts with the groom getting falsely arrested halfway through the ceremony, and it ends thirty years later with all the wedding guests dead, insane, or disgraced!”

Me: “Hmm, true. Maybe not then.”

Boyfriend:Midsummer Night’s Dream wedding?”

Me: “Only if it doesn’t actually involve being drugged and lost in the woods.”

Going Totally Off The Wire(less)

| TX, USA | Right | January 6, 2017

(Guest calls down having issues with the Wi-Fi; his tablet can’t find our network. After explaining the code, he comes down to the desk all upset.)

Me: “Good evening. How are you today?”

Guest: “Frustrated, I can’t log on to the Wi-Fi. I’ve been trying all day and I just can’t! I want to check out! I’ve missed so much work already!”

Me: *noting it’s after five, I try to convince him to stay otherwise he will be charged an additional night* “Would you like to try moving to another room where the connection is stronger?”

Guest: “No, I can’t be sure that it will work there so I don’t want to bother.”

(After going back and forth, he agrees to go see a room. I manage to successfully log him on the network.)

Me: “Did you want to move here, sir?”

Guest: “No, I just want to check out!”

Me: “Okay, but I’m going to have to charge you for tonight, since you checked out after five.”

Guest: “Oh, that is ridiculous. How can you charge me if you didn’t even provide a basic service!”

Me: “But I did. Your [Tablet] logged on to the network, and I offered to move you at no charge.”

Guest: *irate* “No, you didn’t provide me a basic service. I have to pay for another hotel and you want to charge me? Oh, I will be writing you a bad review!”

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