Not Even Effing Phonetic

, , , , | Right | June 16, 2018

(I am answering the phone at the front desk of the hotel where I work.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I need to make a reservation.”

Me: “Great, I can definitely help you with that! What day will you be arriving?”

Caller: *scoffs* “Oookaay; guess I am a f****** idiot, then!

Me: *quite taken aback* “I am sorry, sir?”

Caller: “I said, ‘I guess I am a f****** idiot!’”

Me: *confused and not really sure how to respond* “Um… Sir, I’m sorry, but why do you think that?”

Caller: “You just called me a f****** idiot!”

Me: *shocked* “No, sir! I can assure you I said nothing remotely close to that statement!”

Caller: *sounding genuinely surprised* “Oh, you didn’t?”

Me: “No, sir, I did not! I just asked when you would be arriving! I apologize if that sounded like I said something else, but I can promise you I would never speak to a guest like that!”

Caller: *completely nonplussed and cheerful as if nothing happened* “Okay, then, I need a room with a king-sized bed for the 12th.”

(The rest of the phone call was normal, but I still have no idea why this guy thought would just nonchalantly insult customers!)

From Jersey Shore To Shore

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2018

Me: “Hello, [overseas US Military Hotel]; how can I direct your call?”

Caller: “Oh, you speak English.”

Me: “Yes, this is an American military hotel you are calling.”

Caller: “Wow, your English is really good!”

Me: “Yeah, I’m from New Jersey.”

Caller: “You don’t even have an accent!”

Me: “…”

They’re On A Complaining (Toilet) Roll

, , , | Right | June 12, 2018

(I get a telephone call from reception about a guest who has already been to four rooms and was not happy with any of them. She finally gets upgraded to a business room, which is half the size of our other standard rooms. She is being a pain and starts hunting around the room, looking for anything to pull us up on.)

Guest: “What’s this?”

Me: “Toilet paper?”

Guest: “It’s been used!”

Me: “We don’t replace a toilet roll unless it’s less than half used.”

Guest: “This is illegal! You have to replace with every guest! I should call the health department!”

Me: “It doesn’t say that anywhere in the health and hygiene rules.”

Guest: “Yes, it does!”

Me: “I will replace it, if you’d like.”

(She has already given me a list of things she “needs” and things to do. She is traveling with her husband and daughter. All the other rooms she checked have three full-sized beds. This room has one double-bed and room for a tiny fold-out.)

Guest: “We’re going out for dinner. Will it be safe to leave our luggage with you? You won’t steal it, will you?!”

Me: *stares in disbelief* “Of course not!”

Guest: “No need to take that tone!”

(She walked out and went to dinner. I told the reception that after I was finished there that I was refusing that guest service. They didn’t argue.)

It’s Not So Oui-sey

, , , , , | Working | June 10, 2018

(My husband and I have taken our five-month-old son abroad to a famous theme park for our first family holiday. We are staying in one of the park’s hotels and go there immediately after arriving to check in and drop off our bags. We don’t speak French, but as the majority of staff speak English, we don’t foresee any problems. We also request a travel cot from reception to be delivered to our room. We venture into the park and spend several hours happily exploring and taking pictures and get back to the hotel well after dark. Being very tired, our first priority is to assemble the travel cot and put the baby down to sleep. However, after a couple of minutes, it becomes clear that something is wrong, as the cot refuses to open. After giving the whole thing a final shake — more out of tiredness and frustration than anything else — the cot suddenly unfolds with a clatter. It turns out that in trying to close it, the previous user of the cot had forced it in such a way that one of the metal legs had broken clean off, resulting in the cot getting suck in the “closed” position and rendering it unusable. Now annoyed, as well as tired and frustrated, I call the reception desk and explain that our travel cot is broken and we require a new one as soon as possible. The receptionist is not as fluent in English as the one we spoke to earlier in the day, but she seems to get the gist of our request and says that she will send someone right away. Twenty minutes later, an employee appears at our door. He does not speak English, but walks straight up to the crumpled pile of travel cot, which we had left in the corner of the room. In three swift movements, he has it unfolded.)

Employee: “Ta-da!” *gives us a smug look at having assembled the cot so swiftly when we apparently could not*

Me: *holding out the broken cot leg* “Okay, and what about this?”

(The employee looked at the leg, then at the cot, and his face fell. He took the leg and started to drag the fully-assembled broken cot out of the room, shaking his head and saying, “Oh la-la, oh la-la,” over and over again. Five minutes later, a new cot was delivered by a different employee. I guess the receptionist didn’t quite understand when we said our cot was broken, not that we didn’t know how to put it up.)

Not Going To Toy With Them

, , , | | Right | June 8, 2018

(At roughly ten am, a guest enters the lobby of our hotel with a very large cardboard box in his arms with a smaller box perched on top, and a large-volume duffel bag —  which rattles oddly — over his shoulder. As he arrives, my supervisor is in the staff office just next to the front desk.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. Can I help you at all?”

Guest: “Yeah, I’d like to check in, if that’s okay.”

Me: “Oh, I’m very sorry, sir, the rooms are just being cleaned at the moment. Check-in is allowed after twelve, to make sure your room is completely clean for you. I can notify the cleaning team that you have already arrived and would like your room prioritised by the cleaning staff so you can go in early, if you’d like?”

Guest: “That’d be great, thanks! Um, is there somewhere I can leave my stuff? It’s quite heavy and we’re actually going out today.”

Me: “Of course, if you’ll pop it down, I’ll come out and collect it while my supervisor takes your details to get your room cleaned. I’ll label your things and bring you out your claim ticket in just a minute! If you could please wait here, I’ll do that for you now.”

Guest: *looking a little pink for some reason* “Okay, thanks!”

(I go tell my supervisor what the guest needs and carry his things into the office. At this point, I’m going to confess that my own bedroom life is extremely “spicy” and, as such, I do enough adult shopping to recognise most of the “discreet” packaging. As soon as I’ve labelled all his things with the corresponding ticket number, I notice something. Both boxes are unopened, from a very popular sex toy website which happens to be my favourite. I know every listing on that site, and I burst into silent hysterics at having wrestled those items into the office, realising why I recognised the rattling in the bag as chains muffled by rope; mine make the same sound. I get it together, smile, and walk back out to hand the guest his ticket.)

Guest: “…so, yeah, it’s just really nice for me and my wife to spend a night out away from the kids once in a while to recharge, you know? Just to relax alone together and get some rest.” *laughs* “Oh, thanks.”

(I hand his ticket over, biting my tongue.)

Supervisor: “That’s wonderful. I hope you have a pleasant day, sir.”

Me: *smirking a little* “Yes, have a great time today, sir.”

Guest: *absent-mindedly drifting away, smiling broadly* “Oh, I definitely will.”

(I hesitated to tell my supervisor that the man and his wife had just checked in with an obscene amount of sex and BDSM toys for luggage, but was horrified to see on the screen that he’d been placed right next to an occupied family room with two adults and two young children. I had no way to move him myself because I wasn’t trained to use the room allocation system. He didn’t complain about being moved to a vacant section of rooms when he came back to collect his items, though. The customer may be always right, but not necessarily about the time and place for certain things.)

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