Precision Pillows

| | Right | February 7, 2008

(On the phone…)

Customer: “Hi, I want to book a room with 2 beds for tomorrow.”

Me: “Sure thing sir, lucky for you we’re not busy this weekend and have several rooms available. ”

Customer: “Great, and how many pillows do the beds have?”

Me: “Umm, I think there’s 2 on each bed.”

Customer: “Can you check?”

Me: “Okay….I’ll just be a moment.”

(I go and check the nearest room’s bed and the next room along to be safe.)

Me: “Yes, 2 per bed.”

Customer: “So my room will have 2 pillows on each bed?”

Me: “That’s correct, sir.”

Customer: “I only like one pillow on my bed, can you give me a different room with a bed that only has one pillow on one of the beds?”

Me: “Umm…you could always just take the other pillow off your bed when you go to sleep.”

Customer: “What? No, I want one of the rooms with one less pillow on one bed.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have rooms with specific numbers of pillows–”

Customer: “–but you have rooms with specific number of beds!”

Me: “Yes…that’s pretty much the norm, sir…”

Customer: “Don’t get smart honey, I want a room with 2 beds, 2 pillows on one of them but only 1 on the other. That’s what I want.”

Me: *sigh* “Okay sir, I’ll personally remove one of the bed’s pillows before you arrive tomorrow, how’s that?”

Customer: “Good, that works for me. Hang on, are the pillows thick fluffy ones or skinny flat ones? Because if they’re skinny, I’ll just keep both of them.”

Me:

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Three Cents Of Nonsense

| | Right | February 7, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling guest relations. This is ******* speaking, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you guys overcharged me and I will accept nothing short of a full refund. This is ridiculous.”

Me: “I’d be more than happy to help. Do you have your confirmation number?”

Customer: “Yes. It’s ********.”

Me: “Great. One moment, please.”

(I look at their reservation history.)

Me: “Okay, sir. So I’m showing you have a reservation arriving tonight. One king bed, non-smoking, booked at a rate of $1297.66. What were you quoted?”

Customer: “I was quoted a rate of $1297.63.”

Me: “So you were misquoted by 3 cents?”

Customer: “Yes. And I demand the rate I was quoted be honored.”

Me: “But it’s 3 cents…”

Customer: “YOU **** corporations! WHY ARE YOU RIPPING ME OFF!?”

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No More Miss Cleo For You

, , , | | Right | February 2, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling guest relations. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. One of your hotels stole something from me and I would like you to return that item to me or I will sue you.”

Me: “We will certainly conduct an investigation. At which property was it left?”

Customer: “The [Hotel Chain].”

Me: “Ok… What city and state?”

Customer: “The [Hotel Chain]!”

Me: “I understand which brand name.. Can you please tell me the location of the property?”

Customer: “It’s on [Street].”

Me: “Ok, and what city and state is that in?”

Customer: “By the ocean.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Which city and state?”

Customer: “Florida. It’s not my job to tell you where it’s located.”

Me: “Well, as I’m sure you can appreciate, we have over 3,000 properties in the US alone. So I will need you tell me which city in Florida this is located…”

(Customer provides the name of city.)

Me: “Ok, great. And this is the [Hotel Chain] on [Street], correct? So what is missing?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “You don’t know?”

Customer: “No. I visited my psychic this week, and she told me that one of the employees at that hotel, where I just came from this past weekend, stole something from me. The employee is female with dark hair and her name starts with an ‘M’.”

Me: “Ok… but can you tell me what you’re missing, please? That way I can have this documented and the hotel can investigate the situation.”

Customer: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS STOLEN, BUT MY PSYCHIC DOES NOT LIE.”

Me: “Ma’am, I certainly apologize for any inconvenience experienced… but I’m sure you can appreciate that I would need to know what was taken to forward over to the hotel. Have you gone through your items?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “And?”

Customer: “I can’t find anything. But your hotel better return my items or I will sue you!”

Me: “I’d love to help you. Please call us back when you have discovered what was missing. Thank you.”

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Maybe If You Click Your Heels Three Times

, , | | Right | November 25, 2007

Me: *answering phone* “Welcome to the award winning [Hotel]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I would like a room.”

Me: “And when would you be arriving, sir?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “When do you want the room?”

Caller: “Oh! Tonight…”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are completely booked tonight. Would you like me to provide the number of a nearby establishment?”

Caller: “You have no rooms? Can’t you just give me one of the emergency rooms?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have any rooms like that. We sell our rooms until we are out. We don’t keep any rooms for ’emergencies.'”

Caller: “Oh. You have suites, too, don’t you?”

Me: “Yes, we do, but we are completely booked, so there are no rooms available, every kind.”

Caller: “No rooms?”

Me: “No rooms.”

Caller: “No suites?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We have no rooms of any kind, suite or otherwise. Now, unless you want to book a room for another night, I am going to have to hang up.”

Caller: “No rooms?”

(*click*)

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Of Course, If You Really Want To Pay …

, | | Right | November 2, 2007

Hotel Guest: “So how does parking work at the hotel?”

Me: “Oh, sir, parking is complimentary anywhere on site.”

Hotel Guest: “How much does it cost?”

Me: “It’s complimentary… It’s free.”

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