My wife and I were staying at a decent four-star hotel. The service was lovely except for the fact that all the workers seemed to wear the same gods-awful perfume. It wouldn’t have been that big of a deal, but my wife is deathly allergic to artificial scents. It’s not “getting a runny nose and watery eyes” allergic, it’s “her throat closes up” allergic.

I made a note to the lady at the front desk to put down “no heavy perfumes” on their notes for us as guests in the system, and to notify the rest of the staff. The front desk lady was very kind and put it in, and she even called up the manager to let him know. He was also very nice.

We came home from a day exploring the city. Considering we live in a rural town, it was wonderful. The desk lady that checked us in greeted us when we came back and told us to have a wonderful evening. We told her the same and retired to our room.

When we walked in, the stench of the workers’ perfume was everywhere, and me being the concerned wife I am, I dragged my wife out, handed her the inhaler, and gave her a filtration mask. That wasn’t enough and we went down to the lobby. The receptionist saw my wife and dialed an ambulance immediately.

Meanwhile, the afternoon cleaning lady came down. She saw my wife and said, “Oh, bravo. What good effects makeup. Your wife is a good actress. I hope you enjoy our signature perfume; the room is non-refundable.”

When the ambulance got there, cops also came.

I don’t know what happened to the cleaning lady, but when we came back last month, a good two years after this story took place, the kind front desk lady had been promoted to manager and offered us a discounted visit due to our last visit. We bought her some candy and enjoyed our perfume-disasterless vacation.

About a year ago, my hotel had a family of repeat problem guests. This family was constantly trying to get things for free, demanded discounts they were not eligible for — usually our military rate, which is the lowest one we offer, by showing a draft card and claiming it counted as a military ID — were rude to other guests and staff, and were just generally miserable people. They stayed with us quite regularly for a while, until finally, they walked out on a $1000+ bill. It’s a long story; we kept telling upper management it would happen but they refused to do anything about them because they were “frequent guests” and “always paid in the end” — until they didn’t. They were finally banned.

Flash forward to tonight. A guest called down to the front complaining that there was a crying baby in the room near his — he could not tell us which room — and that he couldn’t sleep. My somewhat newer coworker took the call, and told me afterward that the guest had refused to move rooms entirely because it was so late, but wanted another room comped to sleep in, which he was granted. He also mentioned that there was an earlier complaint on the same room for a faulty showerhead. I was suspicious, so I looked up the reservation. The surname was very familiar — let’s say that the family previously mentioned booked under the name M. Jones and this room was under D. Jones. I checked the reservation history; they had checked in a few nights ago, initially for one night, and then extended day by day. That was red flag #2; the family in question had done the same to our never-ending frustration.

Then, during the course of my nightly paperwork, I found red flag #3: a no-show from the same night they had checked in. They had used a few different names when they first started staying with us, and this was another very familiar name. Again, for the sake of argument, let’s say that their old rooms had been sometimes booked under “Muffy Smith” and this reservation was “Milly Smith.” Also notable, an “L. Jones” was listed as a guest.

I fired off an email to my manager for when he came in in the morning.

They were kicked out.

If they would have just kept their heads down and been happy just to be able to check in again, they never would have been caught. But they had to get greedy, and now they’re doubly banned.

(I work the night audit shift at a hotel from 11:00 pm to 7:00 am. I’m just finishing up my shift; my relief is getting settled in and there is a lot of activity in the lobby as we have heavy checkouts this morning, with a youth sports group comprising the better portion of them. One woman, clearly a part of this group, comes up to the front.)

Guest: “Excuse me. The ice maker on the second floor isn’t working!”

(I’m fairly certain this is because it’s empty; I’ve seen several people in her group leave with varying amounts of ice, some in bags, some whole coolers full. This woman herself has a rolling cooler in tow.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that; I’ll have engineering right on it when they come in. There are machines on every floor, though, in the same location!”

Guest: “Oh. Well. I saw someone get ice from down here last night. One of the front desk people went in the back somewhere to get it.”

Me: “Unfortunately, ma’am, the main kitchen is still closed right now, but if you want to head over to the breakfast area, someone there might be able to get in to get you some ice from their area!”

(Note that this isn’t really something required of them, but clearly, this woman has decided she is NOT getting her own ice, and there’s no reason to send a front desk agent to clog up the small breakfast kitchen when they already have several staff members over there. The guest starts towards the breakfast area, but then abruptly turns around.)

Guest: *snottily* “You know what? I think that’s your job!”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s not.”

Guest: “Well, the guy last night was nice enough to do it!”

Me: “That was nice of him. But it wasn’t his job, either.”

Guest: “Well, I think it should be!”

(She finally huffed off towards the breakfast area, and my coworker and I just exchanged a weary look before I went to clock out. This is exactly why I have to caution my coworkers not to do favors for guests.)

(I work at a local hotel. The most frequently left-behind item is a phone charger, so as a result, our storage room has a large collection of chargers that will likely never see their original owners again. I get a call today.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. How may I help you?”

Guest: “I left my cell phone charger in my room two days ago. I need you to send it back.”

(I know I have a pile in the back room, as housekeeping has already picked it up.)

Me: “What kind of phone do you have — iPhone or Android?”

Guest: “It’s a cell phone.”

Me: “Okay, I need a little more detail than that so I send out the right one.”

Guest: “It’s a Verizon cell phone.”

Me: “Do you have more detail than that, ma’am?”

Guest: “It’s a Samsung Verizon cell phone! It is in my room against the wall.”

Me: *giving up hope* “All right, ma’am, I will go grab it. We charge for shipping; is that all right?”

Guest: “Fine, Verizon cell phone.” *click*

(I went into the back find a charger with the word Samsung printed on it and brought it to shipping with a new story to tell.)

(I work night audit at a decent-sized hotel. One night when I come in to work, my manager briefs me on a family staying with us that had a few — perfectly legitimate — problems with their stay. First, one of their third-party reservations did not come through in our system, and we had no record of it existing anywhere. Just to be nice, we comped their night, since we couldn’t charge the third party without proof but didn’t want to possibly double-charge them, but the only room we had available was a specialty suite. The next day, it turns out that our sales team input a contracted reservation incorrectly, and so the specialty suite needs to be made available. Now, we have to move this already upset family out of their upgraded room, though we do comp that night, as well, for the continued issues. However, my manager does warn me that she heard them muttering about “finding some more things wrong” after being given the second comp, suggesting they are looking for more to complain over to get more freebies. Just after my manager leaves, a young man comes up to my desk.)

Me: “Hello!”

Guest: “Hi… Um… So, I’m in this room… and… and my sister forgot her phone…”

(It is immediately apparent that the guest is VERY inebriated.)

Me: “Okay… so…”

Guest: “Yeaaaah… She forgot it… so… I need her room…”

Me: “Erm, well, I can’t just give out room numbers…”

Guest: “It’s under [Last Name]. I’ve got the keys to umm… to [Room #1] and [Room #2]… and I need her room number… ‘cause we got kicked out of [Specialty Suite].”

(I’m immediately groaning internally, because now I know who I’m dealing with, but my manager didn’t give me all of their room numbers because the whole issue should have been resolved.)

Me: “Umm, well, I see two rooms under [Last Name].”

Guest: “Nope! That’s wrong; there are three! But that’s okay; that’s how we get free stuff.”

Me: “Erm… Well, hang on… Is there another name it could be under?”

Guest: “Noooo… It’s [Last Name]. Or [Other Name] Or…”

(The guest proceeds to rattle off a string of names, some of which are surnames and some of which are first names, and some could be either one. I try to type them in as fast as he says them to check for them. Finally, on about the sixth one he offers, I find another reservation, with notes connecting it to his room.)

Me: “Ah! [First Name, Completely Different Last Name]?”

Guest: “Yeaaaahhh… that’s my sisterrrrr…”

Me: “Okay. Now just let me check your ID… okay, she’s in [Room #3].”

Guest: “Okay… okay… so we’re in [Room #1], and [Room #3], but we should have three.”

Me: “Yes, that’s [Room #2], like you said earlier.”

Guest: “Okay… um… yeah… huh… okay…”

(He wanders off… only to return five minutes later.)

Guest: “So, that was, uh… [Two Incorrect Room Numbers].”

Me: “No, no… You said you had keys to [Room #1] and [Room #2], and your sister is in [Room #3]. You have three rooms.”

(Worth noting, the guest is actually holding a key packet with at least one of the room numbers written on it.)

Guest: “Okay… [Incorrect room number].”

Me: “Noooo…” *lists the three numbers again*

Guest: “Okay…” *correctly recites room numbers* “You know, it’s okay. It’s okay. This is how we get free stuff… You just made a mistake, woke up too late or something… It’s okay… We’ll just get more stuff…”

Me: *thinking about how it’s not my mistake that he’s too sloshed to get to his room* “Okay, sir, you all right now?”

Guest: “Yeahhh…”

(He wanders off again… and returns again, this time throwing the keys on my desk.)

Guest: “I got the keys to [string of a mixture of correct and incorrect room numbers] and just… just all the keys and they don’t work!”

(I can see he has a bunch of keys all shoved into one packet. He probably mixed them all up and can’t match them to their correct doors.)

Me: “Okay, sir… Hang on one second…”

(I then very carefully write out a new key packet for each room, writing the numbers very large, make exactly one key for each room, and place them in their respective packets.)

Me: “There… This one is your sister’s room, and these two are the ones with your name on it, okay?”

Guest: “Okay… it’s okay… We’ll just get more free stuff…”

(Finally, he wandered off and stayed away this time. But I did let the morning crew know that, once he slept it off, he was not to be given further discounts for being too drunk to remember or locate his rooms!)