(I work in the kitchen of a high-end hotel. We give out “welcome packages” to VIPs, usually consisting of a small plate of food of some kind. Today, we had two people from a large company receiving welcome packages, each including a package of mixed nuts. One of the packages of mixed nuts was a bit larger than the other.)

Me: “Who gets which package, since they’re a little different in size?”

Manager: “I’m not sure! Let me call someone and find out who has seniority!” *on phone* “Hi. I was wondering who has bigger nuts in [Company]?”

Me: *stifles laughter*

Me: “Guest services, how can I help you?”

Caller: “You can help me by telling me what this $500 is on my d*** bill!”

(After looking up his bill, I see that not only did they smoke a number of substances which they left evidence of in the room, but they also broke the entire bathroom mirror, and burned a heart design into the computer desk.)

Me: “Sir, it appears that we have charged a fee on each of your rooms for damage as well as a fee for smoking in the room. This is a non-smoking property.”

Caller: “I can’t help what my girl does.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we have a strict no-smoking policy, and you are responsible for the state of the room because you made the reservation.”

Caller: “I can’t help it! My girl likes to smoke afterward!”

Me: “It also looks like you broke a mirror in one of the rooms.”

Caller: “That was Bibby. Bibby crazy, girl. Bibby crazy.”

Me: “Well sir, you made the reservations, so you are responsible for your girlfriend, as well as ‘Bibby’.”

Caller: “She ain’t my girlfriend, she just my girl.”

Me: “Someone burned a heart into the desk in one of the rooms, and we had to bring in a steam cleaner for both carpets, because of the vomit.”

Caller: “I told you Bibby was crazy.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m sorry, but we are keeping the damage fee, even though ‘Bibby’ burned the desk.”

Caller: “Oh, no the desk was me.”

Me: “Then it is absolutely your responsibility.”

Caller: “It was a declaration of love, woman. She wanted a declaration of love!”

Me: “If you have any further questions, sir, you’re going to have to call our corporate customer care line.”

Caller: “It was for LOVE!”

(Our hotel has a complimentary breakfast, but on weekends it opens later than during the week to give people a chance to sleep in. I work the overnight shift, so I see all of the early risers. Without fail, every Saturday and Sunday morning around five or six am, I have this conversation at least twice.)

Guest: “Um, excuse me, ma’am. Where is the breakfast?”

Me: “It’s the weekend, so the breakfast won’t be open until 7:30…”

(A look of horror crosses the guest’s face.)

Me: “…but if it’s coffee you’re after, the kitchen staff turns the pots on early; there should be some over there by now!”

Guest: *completely relieved* “Oh, thank God!”

(Thankfully, they’re usually just happy to be able to get their caffeine. I have had some of the surlier ones yell at me for the lights being off!)

(My older sister has what I consider a fairly modest number of piercings: two in each lobe, one tragus, and one industrial. On her wedding day, the following happens as she, our mother, our aunt, her other bridesmaid, and I — the maid of honour — are getting ready.)

Mother: “Okay, so, you’re taking out your extra piercings now, right?”

Sister: “Uh… no?”

Mother: “But you have to take them out!”

Sister: “What? Why?”

Mother: “You can’t get married with them in!”

Sister: “What on earth are you talking about? Of course I can.”

Mother: “What about the pictures? You can’t have those ugly things in your ears in the pictures! With your gorgeous dress and everything, it won’t look right!”

Sister: “They’re not ugly. I got them done because I like the way they look, and they’re staying in.”

Mother: “IT WON’T LOOK RIGHT. Take them out right now!”

(She starts reaching for my sister’s ears, which is brave, considering Sis is naturally a good six inches taller than her, and even more so with her high heels on. I quickly step between them.)

Me: “Mom, calm down. [Sister] and [Brother-in-Law] will look so happy and so great in the photos you won’t even think about what anybody’s wearing.”

(To my surprise, Mom bursts into tears.)

Mother: “I don’t want to have to look at those pictures with my beautiful baby’s face all messed up!”

Aunt: “[Sister], just take them out. Can’t you make your mother happy for one day?”

Sister: “Um, hello?! It’s my wedding! Can’t she relax for one day and worry about making me happy?!”

Aunt: “Well, I mean, it is a formal occasion.”

Me: “[Cousin] has nipple piercings and she got married in a Catholic church; I don’t see why [Sister]’s tragus is such a big deal.”

(This statement is apparently enough to stun both my mother and my aunt into brief silence, so I gently collect them both by the arms.)

Me: “Why don’t you two go downstairs and see if anyone’s arrived yet?”

(I basically shoved the two of them out the door before Mom could start crying again.)

(I have a summer job at the reception of a hotel in Prague’s city centre, and our guests are mainly tourists. It is July 3rd. We have two national public holidays coming up, one on July 5th and second on July 6th. Neither is really celebrated unless it’s an anniversary year. The guests are clearly Americans; one of them has an American flag around his suitcase. There are four guys in total, somewhere from thirty to forty years old. They are generally pleasant and cooperate during the check-in.)

Me: “All right, you are all set. Can I help you with anything else? Any places you would like to visit and need directions for?”

Guest: *with the American flag on his suitcase* “Where are the celebrations? What is a good spot to watch the fireworks?”

Me: “Oh, the holidays are on July 5th and July 6th. Unfortunately, there won’t be any festivities. Only some places might be closed, and others might have different opening hours. But definitely nothing major.”

Guest: “What?!”

(He has been really nice up to this moment; however, he starts to raise his voice.)

Another Guest: “The fourth of July.”

Me: “Oh, you mean the American Independence Day?”

Guest: “YES!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m afraid that here in the Czech Republic we do not celebrate the American holiday.”

Guest: “But we came here to celebrate it!”

(After that, the manager came down to the reception and dealt with them. All four guys seemed to be genuinely perplexed that there wouldn’t be any festivities to mark American Independence day in the middle of Europe. However, my manager was quick on his feet and suggested that they look for some Facebook group for expats living in Prague to find some Americans living in Prague that might be celebrating. When I asked my manager about the idea, it turned out they were not the first ones to ask about it.)

This story is part of our July 4th roundup!

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