(I work at the front desk of a luxury business hotel and I speak five languages. I also work with people from over seventy different countries, most of whom speak at least two languages, as well, so we pretty much cover every main language in the world. Still, people seem to think we are robots.)

Me: “Welcome to [Hotel]; how may I assist you?”

Guest: *speaking very fast in a language I don’t recognize*

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t understand you. What language is this, so I can maybe find a colleague who is able to assist you or translate for me?”

Guest: *angrily speaking in a language I don’t understand*

Me: “Okay, may I see your passport, so I can find someone who speaks your language?” *trying to mime “passport”*

Guest: *hands me his passport*

(I have a colleague from this country at the front desk and she is standing on the other end of our desk. Why did he not go to her? I don’t know. I call her over and they talk, she checks him in, and everything is fine.)

Colleague: *after the guest is gone* “He was complaining that you didn’t speak his language even though he asked you at the beginning.”

Me: “What do you mean? I didn’t understand a word he was saying.”

Colleague: “No, he said he ordered you to speak [Language] but you kept speaking English and now he’s disappointed.”

Me: “I’m… human and I don’t think I work that way.”

(I’m staying in a hotel with a friend as part of our annual trip to Edinburgh. I’ve been known to talk in my sleep but I rarely remember doing so, and it’s only thanks to my friend telling me that I know about it at all. This night has been a little rough — as nights often are in unfamiliar locations — with a number of false awakenings. But, beyond that, I do feel somewhat well-rested. I’m getting up to use the toilet when my friend asks me something.)

Friend: “Do you remember shouting in your sleep last night?”

Me: “I vaguely recall trying to vocalise after hearing you talk, but otherwise, no.”

Friend: “You were shouting Monty Python quotes in your sleep.”

Me: “Wow. That says a lot about me, doesn’t it?”

(Thank Brian of Nazareth I didn’t disturb anyone else!)

(I’m at work at the front desk of a hotel a couple of days after Valentine’s Day. We have four teams who are competing in a youth hockey tournament staying in the hotel over the weekend. I am chatting with one of our housekeepers about how absolutely crazy the weekend has been when we have this little conversation.)

Housekeeper #1: “Yeah, this weekend was nuts! [Housekeeper #2] said next year she is booking the 15th off. She said she’s never cleaned so much [male bodily fluid] before.”

Me: “Really?”

Housekeeper #1: “Yeah. I told her that the hockey tournament could be on a different weekend next year, so booking the 15th off wouldn’t necessarily make any difference.”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t see why she would book the 15th off specifically, either.”

Housekeeper #1: “I didn’t at first, either, when I asked her she said, ‘The 15th always follows the 14th. Did you seriously forget what holiday yesterday was?’”

(Yep, two of us were so clueless that we just assumed a housekeeper would have that issue from a Novice — young enough they don’t keep score — GIRLS’ hockey tournament!)

(I am in the lobby of a well-known hotel when I overhear the manager talking on the phone to a customer. It has been a pretty hot day.)

Manager: “Hello, sir, what can I do for you?”

Manager: “Yes, sir, the air cons are not working currently. I’m very sorry for any inconvenience.”

Manager: “No, sir, I cannot upgrade you as we are fully booked.”

Manager: “Could you maybe open the window to let a bit of air in?”

Manager: “Yes, the window is the large rectangular thing in the wall that lets light in.”

Manager: “Please do not swear at me, sir.”

Manager: “F*** you, too, b****!” *to me* “How can I help you today, sir?”

(I left promptly and found another hotel with much nicer staff. To this day I’m still not sure whether I’m more shocked that a customer did not know what a window is or the fact that the manager was so unprofessional.)

(I’m in the middle of checking in a grumpy woman. I’m telling her about the hotel.)

Me: “…and over there we have the breakfast bar, served from 7:00 to 11:00 in the mornings, and–“

Grumpy Woman: “Just give me my keys! I’ve stayed here many times before; I know all of it!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am!”

(I give her the keys and she leaves to park her car. A few minutes later, she comes back in a towering rage.)

Grumpy Woman: “Why didn’t you tell me how to get to the parking lot?!”

Me: “You told me that you’ve been here before, ma’am. I assumed you knew where the parking was.”

Grumpy Woman: “Well! I’ve never parked here! Dummy!”

Me: “How am I supposed to know that? You said, ‘Just give me the keys!’ I did, and you left. “

Grumpy Woman: “Smart a**!” *leaves*

(It took her another few tries to park and another twenty minutes to get to her room!)