No Vocation For Location, Part 4

| Chicago, IL, USA | Right | October 24, 2012

(A nice German family is checking into the hotel around 10:30 at night.)

Father: “We have to be up early tomorrow. We’re driving to Disneyland tomorrow.”

Me: “Wow, that’s a heck of a drive. When do you think you’ll get there?”

Father: “I don’t know. I was hoping mid-afternoon.”

Me: “I think you might want to check your directions. California is 2,000 miles away.”

Father: “But it’s just the other side of the country.”

Me: “The US is a big country, sir.”

 

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Great Service, With Ifs And Butts

| Tampa Bay, FL, USA | Right | October 21, 2012

(I am a concierge at an historic hotel in the downtown area, and a common call that I receive is to deal with is customers losing items in the rooms.)

Me: “Hello, and thank you for calling [hotel]. This is [my name]. How can I be of service?”

Caller: “Hello, my name is [name] and I stayed a few nights there last weekend, from Friday to Sunday. I believe I may have, um, left some… jewellery in the room.”

Me: “Ah, well, I would be glad to ring the maid service and have them check their lost and found. Could you describe the item that you’re looking for?”

Caller: “Well, that’s the thing. You see, I kind of want you to be discreet about this.”

Me: “Of course sir; if you wish, I will check for the item myself.”

Caller: “That would be great. Now, what I’m looking for is very expensive; it’s silver with several small diamonds in it.”

Me: “Okay, sir, but what exactly is it?”

Caller: *obviously flustered at this point* “Well, um, it’s a…” *in a whisper* “…butt plug.”

Me: *I wasn’t really sure that I heard what I just heard.* “Excuse me, sir?”

Caller: “A butt plug? You know, for…”

Me:*interrupting* “Oh, yes, yes. I understand. Let me have your contact information and I will check the lost and found. But, to be honest, it is possible that it was thrown away, considering.”

Caller: “Oh, I hope not, that thing was very expensive! To be honest, I really just need to be careful where I leave that thing.”

(I almost died holding back laughter at this point.)

Caller: “Well, if it shows up you can call me at [phone number]. Thank you, young man, you’ve been very helpful. Just let me know!”

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Someone Freed Willy

| College Station, TX, USA | Right | October 15, 2012

(I am a manager at a local hotel. I’m manning the phones.) 

Me:” Thank you for calling [hotel name], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello, I stayed at your hotel last weekend. I just wanted to let you know that there was a man without his pants on at the pool area.”

Me: “I’m sorry you had to witness that, sir.”

Caller: “Oh, it’s no problem. It was just awkward because his ‘willy’ was hanging.” 

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “Well, it must have been a 10-incher because my wife is still talking about it ’til this day!”

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Drunkenness Can Give Birth To Wordlessness

| California, USA | Right | October 11, 2012

(A husband and wife are staying at our hotel because they are visiting the wife’s father, whose own wife is giving birth. One evening, the husband and father-in-law come stumbling into our front office.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Husband: “Quick, I need… um…” *turns to father-in-law* “What’s the word…”

Father-In-Law: *shrugs*

(The husband says the word several times in another language. My coworker hears this and approaches.)

Coworker: *to me* “I got it.”

(My coworker speaks to them in the language they were speaking. She then nods, calls them a taxi, and enters a note on their account for the manager.)

Me: “What was that about?”

Coworker: “Well, you know how he and his wife were here to celebrate with her dad?”

Me: “Yes?”

Coworker: “Yeah, well, since his wife is pregnant and can’t drink, he and his father-in-law were in the hotel bar alone. The father-in-law wanted to tell him he was ordering traditional Irish baby gifts when they got a call that his wife had gone into labor.”

Me: “Oh wow! That’s great! Wait… what was he confused about, then?”

Coworker: “Oh, they were too drunk to remember the English words for ‘hospital’ and ‘taxi’.”

Me: “I’m so glad you weren’t on your lunch break!”

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A Soft Spot For Him

| Leeds, England, UK | Romantic | October 2, 2012

(I’ve just woken up and noticed that there’s more pillows and duvets on the bed than when I went to sleep the night before.)

Me: “What’s this duvet doing here?”

Girlfriend: “You stole both the pillows and the duvet last night.”

Me: “So, why didn’t you steal them back?”

Girlfriend: “I tried, but you started growling at me. I decided it would be easier to just find new ones.”

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