Surgical Symphony

| Muncy, PA, USA | Working | November 24, 2016

(I am about to have foot surgery, and the staff and I are waiting on Dr. Anesthesia. When he finally arrives, he attempts to joke with me by singing “Oh, What a Beautiful Morning,” as it is raining outside. After seeing him and Dr. Surgeon, Surgical Nurse and Anesthesia Nurse wheel me past OR 1 and into OR 2. I am moved onto the operating table.)

Me: “Great. Dr. Anesthesia got ‘Oh, What a Beautiful Morning’ stuck in my head.”

(As I sing the opening line, Dr. Anesthesia joins in (off key). As I progress through the song, Surgical Nurse joins in. By the time I hit the chorus, everyone in OR 2 is boisterously singing with me. And as we finish, the door between OR 1 and OR 2 opens.)

OR 1 Nurse: “That was great!”

(The door closes and we are all chuckling.)

Me: “Okay. Next procedure, I want you all to memorize the libretto to ‘Evita.'”

(With that, my surgical ensemble laughed and knocked me out, just as I was adding: “Foot Surgery, the Musical!”)

An Upstanding Lesson

, | Seattle, WA, USA | Related | November 24, 2016

(My mom thought it was a good idea to take me to a mother/daughter sex ed. class given at the children’s hospital. I came home to say:)

Me: *yells to dad* “Dad! I know all about your erections!”

Daddy Has Issues

| USA | Related | November 16, 2016

(My aunt is a nurse. She told us that this happened one night while she was assisting with the delivery of a baby girl. Right after the baby is born, they place the baby on the mother’s chest.)

Father: “Why are you giving her the baby? Why don’t I get to hold her?”

Doctor: “It’s standard procedure. It helps promote bonding and makes the baby feel more comfortable.”

Mother: “Honey, are you crying?”

Father: “She got to hold her for nine months! Can I at least hold her for just nine minutes?”

(Eventually he did get to hold his daughter and apparently he couldn’t be happier.)

Error: Catch-22

| Australia | Working | November 10, 2016

(I cannot log into the computers. All the assessments have been made online so it is really important for me to be able to login. I try to log an IT helpdesk ticket but it refuses to let me without logging in. I ring the help number.)

IT Helpdesk: “What is your fault number you received after logging a help-desk ticket?”

(I explain my problem is I can’t login which means I can’t lodge a help desk ticket.)

IT Helpdesk: “We can’t help you until you lodge a help desk ticket.”

(I still don’t have access.)

Bad Grandma

| CA, USA | Right | October 18, 2016

(Working the Main Entrance Lobby desk, our job is to get the full name of the patient before putting a visitor wristband on the visitor and giving directions to the patient’s room. For security reasons we cannot allow anyone to enter the hospital without them giving the patient’s full name or stating where they are heading if they aren’t visiting a patient.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Visitor: “I am visiting someone who just had a baby.”

Me: “Okay, what is the patient’s name so I can see what room they are in?”

Visitor: “His name is [Name].”

Me: “Okay… there is no patient by that name. You said they were in maternity? And that’s the name of the mother?”

Visitor: “No! Clearly that’s a man’s name. That’s the father of the baby!”

Me: “Oh, I see! Well, I need the name of the patient who is admitted, so that is the mother’s name.”

Visitor: “I don’t know her name. You should be able to look it up under his name!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t. We must be given the full name of the person actually admitted to the hospital before giving out any visitors wristbands.”

Visitor: “This is ridiculous! I don’t know the f****** b****’s name. She my son’s wife. I think it’s Brittany or something. Why is my son not listed? It’s his kid, too! Doesn’t he get paternal rights?!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I don’t know anything about his rights; however, since this is a hospital the only people we admit are those who need medical care. Unless your son was the one who was in labor and pushed a baby out of his body, I suggest you call your son and ask the name of the woman who just gave birth to your grandchild.”

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