Can’t Hear You Over Your Colon

| MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

(I’m in the waiting room of the endoscopy center, waiting for my grandma to come out from her colonoscopy. A nurse opens the door and reads aloud from a chart.)

Nurse: “Theodore?”

Old Man: “Yes?”

Nurse: “Okay, so you’re Theodore?”

Old Man: “Yes, ma’am.”

Nurse: “And you’re here for a colonoscopy today, correct?”

Old Man: “What?!”

Nurse: “A… colonoscopy?”

Old Man: “NO! My WIFE is!”

Nurse: “Oh. You’re not Theodore?”

Old Man: “You said PETER, so I answered you!”

Nurse: “… Okay, then. Is Theodore here?”

(An old man walks from the back of the waiting room.)

Theodore: “I’m sorry. I heard him answer, so I assumed another Theodore was ahead of me.”

Peter: “Well, I know one thing. I am not deaf, and she definitely said Peter first.”

Theodore: “Well, I am deaf, and she said Theodore. You may need your hearing checked, sir.”

Going To Great Pains

| NC, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Wild & Unruly

(I work as a nurse for outpatient procedures. A patient has come in for a not-very-painful procedure, and has already received all of the drugs that we can safely give her for pain. This amount would have had a normal person sleeping by now.)

Patient: *screaming like she’s being tortured*

Me: “Oh, sweetheart, I know this is hard.”

(I put my hand in hers.)

Me: “Here. Try and breathe, and squeeze my hand.”

(She throws my hand away from her.)

Patient: “I don’t want your f****** hand. I WANT MY GODD*** DRUGS!”

Mind-Blowing Ignorance

| WA, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Health & Body

(I am an ER nurse. During the late morning, a man comes in with his son, who has a concussion. The policy is that a concussion patient isn’t allowed to sleep at all. The nurses and staff make sure the boy stays awake and notice that he keeps nodding off a little too easily.)

Me: “Excuse me, but why is your son so tired?”

Father: “Oh, he got his concussion in the wee hours of the morning and I just knew that he couldn’t fall asleep. So he’s been awake since then.”

Me: “Why didn’t you bring him in here right away?”

Father: “I didn’t know if you’d be open that early.”

Me: “This is the ER! We’re always open!”