Flipping Out Over This

, , , | Healthy | January 1, 2018

(I accidentally remove most of the tip of my middle finger with a gardening tool and am getting fixed up in the ER.)

Nurse: “There you go. Would you like me to tape your middle finger to the one next to it?”

Me: “Um, no. Why would you?”

Nurse: “Well, sometimes with a injury to the middle finger people ask us to tape an adjacent finger too so that they don’t inadvertently flip other people off.”

Me: “Are you kidding? This is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for!”

Your Blood Or Your Wallet

, | Healthy | December 29, 2017

(The phlebotomists in our blood draw station are completely tired of the vampire jokes. They’re just overused. But not wanting to be jerks, and also realizing that the joke is a way for some people to deal with their discomfort over blood draws, our phlebotomists mostly politely laugh. One of our phlebotomists found a way to do one better.)

Patient: “Is this where the vampires are?”

Phlebotomist: “Nah. They’re all down in billing. You here for a blood draw?”

Ignoring The Sticking Point

, , | Healthy | December 27, 2017

(My husband has sliced his thumb open at work and after an hour of convincing him, I manage to get him into the ER. The doctor looks at it and determines it needs stitches, plus he needs a tetanus booster, and so the nurse gets the shot ready. This happens with me and [Nurse #1] talking to him on his right, and [Nurse #2] on his left prepping for the injection.)

Husband: “Okay, just… I don’t know… Let me get a deep breath before you inject me.”

Nurse #1: “Are you afraid of needles? It’ll be a quick pinch and done, way less than slicing your thumb open.”

Me: “Exactly. It’s so quick. Remember all of the times you donated plasma? The needle is smaller and you barely feel it.”

(In the meantime, [Nurse #2] has prepped him and has uncapped the needle. She gives us a little nod and sticks him while we continue talking.)

Husband: “I know; it’s just irrational and my thumb hurts and it’s just overwhelming!”

Nurse #1: “You used to give plasma? That’s awesome! What do they use, like 15 gauge?”

(The other nurse is done now and cleaning up.)

Me: “No, 12. The needles are HUGE!”

Nurse #1: “Oh, geez. Well these are only 25 gauge, so super tiny compared to what you’re used to.”

Husband: “Yeah. I suppose. It wasn’t so bad, I just hated that cold feeling when they put the blood back into you.” *deep breath before turning to [Nurse #2]* “Okay, I should be good now. Go ahead.”

Nurse #2: “Dude, I’ve been done for like a minute now. You did fine.”

To Call It A Scar Is A Bit Of A Stretch

, , | Healthy | December 27, 2017

(I have dislocated my shoulder.)

Doctor: *looking at a mark on my shoulder* “I see you’ve previously had your shoulder operated on.”

Me: “No.”

Doctor: “Yes, there’s the surgical scar right there.”

Me: “No, it’s a stretch mark.”

Doctor: “No, it’s a surgical scar.”

Me: “Unless somebody kidnapped me, drugged me, then operated on me while I was unconscious, I think I would remember surgery.”

Doctor: “…”

(A few years later, I was being examined by a dermatologist, and I told him the story. He said that it did indeed look like a surgical scar, and would I care to come by the hospital during rounds so he could fool his interns?)

About To Be (Dis)Appointed

, , | Healthy | December 25, 2017

(I do appointment scheduling for the hospital. The following takes place on a daily basis with different patients.)

Patient: “I need to reschedule my appointment for next week.”

(I take their name and date of birth, and I look up the appointment.)

Me: “Okay, so, the only appointment I have in June is for the 18th at 7:30 am; then I am going into the middle of July.”

Patient: “Oh, no! I can’t wait that long; do you have anything Tuesday?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. The only opening I have is June 18th.”

Patient: “How about Wednesday?”

Me: “No. Like I said, the only opening I have in June is the 18th; then I am going into July.”

(This goes on a few more times.)

Patient: “Okay, I will just take June 18th. You don’t have anything a little later in the day, though, do you?”

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