The Hannibal Special

| VT, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names

(I work for food service at a hospital.)

Customer: “I would like the human plate.”

Me: *pauses a moment thinking this over* “Did you mean hummus plate?”

Customer: “No I mean the human plate.”

Me: “Okay…” *sent the hummus plate*

Some Blood Is Thicker Than Others

| MO, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

(I am a nurse. At the hospital where I work, we take care of many patients who are from small, rural towns and are lacking in education. In this situation, the patient needs a blood transfusion. I am teaching the patient and family about the process.)

Me: “I will call the blood bank and get the blood ready to go. When I have the bag, I’ll come hook it up to her IV to infuse it. I’ll be monitoring her vital signs throughout the transfusion.”

Family Member: “How does the blood know where to go?”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m not quite sure what you mean.”

Family Member: “The blood. What tells it where to go?”

Me: “Well it goes into the veins, through her IV catheter.”

Family Member: “How does it know where to go from there?”

Me: “That’s where blood is. In your veins.”

Family Member: “Oh! I’ve always wondered how that worked.”

(Later, after I have received the blood, I am priming the IV tubing with saline. Saline is essentially salt water, so it is clear.)

Family Member: “Is that the blood?”

Me: “…No, this is just saline to prime the tubing.”

Family Member: “Oh, good! I thought my mom was getting some new kind of white blood!”

Me: *face palm*

A Bad Case Of Adamantium Confusion

| Newcastle upon Tyne, England, UK | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

(My coworker goes to see a 94-year-old patient who had been confused overnight.)

Coworker: “Good morning, Mr. [Patient]. How are you today?”

Patient: *in a very measured voice* “Terrible, doctor. The professor saw me earlier and implicitly told me I am a wolverine. I’m afraid with this news I need to leave.”

Coworker: “I see. You’ve been a bit poorly so should probably stay in hospital for now.”

Patient: “Oh, but doctor, if you can guarantee I am NOT a wolverine, I’d feel ever so relieved.”

Coworker: *poker faced* “I can guarantee you are NOT a wolverine.”