(I have gotten into an accident with a drunk driver. I have quite a few broken bones. I call home from the hospital with some nurses in the room. I put it on speaker.)

Me: “Hi, Mom, I’m at the hospital.”

Mom: “OH GOD! You were fighting with the police and got hurt, didn’t you? I am not bailing you out, mister! You are ON YOUR OWN!”

Me: “No, Mom, I wasn’t fighting with the cops. More like with the laws of physics.”

Mom: “Well, what happened then?”

Me: “I was driving down Main Street—”

Mom: “You caused an accident, didn’t you? What kind of accident?”

Me: “It was a head-on collision. I’m pretty bad, but the car’s probably totaled.”

Mom: “What did you do to cause a head-on collision? You were texting and driving, weren’t you? What did I tell you about paying attention while driving? You probably hurt somebody! And the car’s a wreck! I shouldn’t have let you drive! Oh, Lord!”

Me: “Actually, Mom, it was a girl driving drunk. She went onto the wrong side of the road and rammed me head-on.”

Mom: “Oh…”

Me: “And she was fine except for a little cut on her head. I, on the other hand, have two broken legs, a broken collarbone, and a broken arm.”

Mom: “Oh, no! My poor baby! I’ll be there as soon as I can. Stay strong, do you hear me? Stay strong!”

(She hangs up, leaving me and the nurses doubled up with laughter.)

(I’m part of a crowd of students attending a talk at a medical school.)

Speaker #1: “Welcome everyone. Those of us on the panel are going to take a minute to explain who we are and what we teach. My name is Dr. [Speaker #1], and I teach nephrology; that’s the field of medicine concerned with the kidneys.”

Speaker #2: “I’m Dr. [Speaker #2], and I’m the head of pediatrics. I’m sure most of you know what that is: the field of medicine that focuses on children.”

Speaker #3: “I’m [Speaker #3]. I’m a surgeon.”

Speaker #1: “[Speaker #3], can you tell the audience a little about your field?”

Speaker #3: “PEOPLE-CHOPPIN’!”

(I am at the hospital for a scheduled CT scan. While my surgeon has faxed an order for the scan, the hospital will not do one without bloodwork. An order for that has not come through.)

Tech: “You’ll have to reschedule. We cannot contact your doctor for the bloodwork order.”

Me: “I got up early, drank two bottles of white slime before I came for my appointment. We are not rescheduling.”

(They get another doctor to sign a bloodwork order. I finally get down to the CT lab. The nurse comes at me with a needle.)

Me: “Wait. No. Oh, h*** no!”

Nurse: “Don’t like needles? I assure you; we’re very good at what we do.”

Me: “I am quite sure you are. But I’ve been there, done that. If you inject that dye, my kidneys will shut down. Then you will slap my butt in the hospital, and feed me Lasix like they are jellybeans. Then you will pump me full of saline to flush that dye out of my kidneys, and I will pee like a race horse for 24 hours. Not gonna happen today.”

Nurse: “Oh. OH!”

(There is more whispering and consulting.)

Nurse: “The doctor says we can do the scan without the dye.”

Me: “Thank you. I knew you would see it my way.”

(I’m 18, and have been hospitalized for a severe case of mono. As a result of the illness, my throat is badly swollen and I can hardly speak. I’m on lots of painkillers. I’m sharing a room with a boy who swallowed a rock. The boy has been screaming since his mother left and his father can’t quiet him down.)

Nurse: “Okay, [My Name], I’m just going to check your vitals.”

Me: *whispering* “How much longer until I can have more pain medication?”

Nurse: “Not for a while, sweetie.”

(The nurse leaves. The boy’s father has been watching us the whole time.)

Boy’s Father: “Listen, you little b****! Don’t you f****** gossip about me to the f****** nurses! You keep your f****** mouth shut, or I’ll shut it for you!”

(I’m stunned, as I haven’t said a word to or about him. As I can’t move and can barely speak, I’m in tears and terrified. Not long after, my mom comes in to visit.)

Mom: “Hey, [My Name]. How are you doing?”

Me: *crying and whispering* “Mom, the dad of that boy screamed at me. He said to shut up, or he’d shut me up.”

(My mom is silent, but clearly fuming. She leaves for a moment.)

Boy’s Father: “WHAT DID I SAY?!”

(Just then, my mom comes back with security in tow.)

Mom: “Escort him from hospital grounds NOW.”

Boy’s Father: “B****! You can’t tell me what to do! You aren’t the boss here! I’m twenty-f******-five!”

Mom: “Actually, I AM the boss here! It’s my day off, but I’m head nurse on this floor, and if you EVER speak to my daughter ever again, I will have you arrested so fast that you won’t ever hear the sirens! And by the way, I’m forty-freaking-eight and I have the good sense not to let my kids eat rocks!”

(The man was removed from hospital grounds and was banned from re-entering for 48 hours unless it was an emergency. I have the best mom in the world.)

Related:
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 2
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 3
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 4

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(I have had a severe allergic reaction to something, and have been admitted to ECU with a hugely swollen face. I also have bright blue and purple hair.)

Nurse #1: “Hi there, just coming to check on you today; how are you feeling?”

(As soon as she leaves, another nurse comes in.)

Nurse #2: “Hi, I’ve just popped in to check you’re okay.”

(She leaves, and not two minutes later, another one pulls the curtain back.)

Nurse #3: “Hello, I’m just checking to see if you’re okay?”

(By this stage, I’m getting a little worried about how often I’m been checked on. Yet ANOTHER nurse walks in.)

Nurse #4: “Hi, I’m just—”

(My doctor walks in with my chart and sighs.)

Doctor: “Oh, for God’s sake, will one of you just ask where she gets her hair done? She needs rest!”