(I’m traveling with my daughter to get her treatment for cancer. Since an old family friend lives in the area I have to take her for her treatments, we visit while we’re there and I meet his girlfriend for the first time. My daughter’s hair has just fallen out, and she admires the woman’s very long hair while we’re eating dinner. That weekend, the two of them stop by the hospital to visit and her very long hair is noticeably shorter.)

Daughter: *sadly* “Oh! You cut your hair!”

Friend: “Yup!”

Daughter: “If I had hair like yours, I’d never cut it.” *putting her hands on her scalp*

Friend: “Oh really? I don’t mind it. I like doing new things with my hair, don’t you?”

Daughter: *sniffling* “Sometimes… I can’t wait for it to grow back!”

Friend: “Well, I have a surprise for you.”

(She takes a wig out the box she had with her that looks like it’ll be about shoulder length on my daughter, and shows it to her. It turned out that a friend of hers was a wig maker, so she’d actually cut off a good deal of her own hair, and had it made into a wig. I hadn’t seen my daughter that happy since her diagnosis! She made a full recovery, and we just got a wedding invitation for those two last month!)

(My mother has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I’m in grad school and I decide to skip a few classes to be with her for the week. Fortunately, she makes a full recovery. One of the highlights of the week is a phone conversation with a nurse at the hospital, who needs to get my mother’s medical history.)

Nurse: “Have you ever had heart disease?”

Mother: “No.”

Nurse: “Lung disease?”

Mother: “No.”

Nurse: “Arthritis?”

Mother: “No.”

Nurse: “Psychiatric disorders?”

Mother: “No.”

Nurse: “Cancer?”

Mother: “… Well, not until last Tuesday!”

(The nurse was horrified and kept apologizing, but on our end, no one could stop laughing.)

(I’m in a hospital waiting to get my X-ray done. Eventually it’s my turn and the X-ray tech is getting me changed in a little cubicle with some folded hospital gowns on the bench.)

Tech: “So I’ll need you to take everything off, including the bra, but you can leave your underwear and socks. Once you’re done just come into the room.”

(The tech starts to leave but quickly turns back.)

Tech: “Oh wait. I mean, put on a gown so it’s open at the back, and then come in!”

(We both laugh and she closes the door. After I get changed I walk in and she gets me seated on the X-ray bed.)

Tech: “Sorry. I know you probably knew what I meant, but you always need to be specific when you get people changed. You’d be surprised how many people come out completely naked!”

(My dad is telling a story about when my older brother was born, then when I was born. Both discussions happen within minutes of my mother being handed her newborn baby. My dad is fussing over his firstborn child and it’s obvious that new-dad excitement is taking hold.)

Dad: “Hey, you wanna do this again?”

Mom: “Not right now. We are not raising two kids that close in age.”

(A day shy of two years later, I was born and my dad’s grinning and cooing over me while my mom holds me. For the second time; my mother has gone through back labor, which involves multiple pinched nerves in the back during the labor and delivery.)

Dad: “Hey, you wanna do this again?”

Mom: “Are you out of your godd*** mind? I am NOT going through back labor again. I’m getting my f****** tubes tied!”

(I work for security in a very rural hospital and am dealing with a very unruly patient who isn’t allowed to leave due to medication he has taken.)

Me: “Sir, I just want to make you aware that because of the medications you have taken, for your safety, I need you to go back inside and call a ride to pick you up.”

Patient: “F*** you! I’m an adult! I’ll do what i want!”

Me: “Sir, I understand that you don’t feel well, and I’m trying to be nice to you. So, will you please return to the ER?”

Patient: “F*** YOU!”

(I notify my partner of the incident and the police are called to deal with the individual. As we await the police, the patient comes back to the ER lobby and confronts the very outspoken desk clerk who has no idea what is going on.)

Patient: “WHO SENT THAT RENT-A-COP OUTSIDE TO WATCH ME LIKE A CHILD?!”

Desk Clerk: “Can I help you?”

Patient: “I want to speak to the rent-a-cop who followed me to my vehicle to watch me like I’m some three-year-old! I’ll have him know that I’m very good friends with the owner of his company and I’ve been a security guard for over 10 years!”

Desk Clerk: “Well, sir, wouldn’t that make you a rent-a-cop, too?”

Patient: “That’s not the same!”

(As the patient is leaving, he has one more question.)

Patient: “Hey, man. I would like to apologize for the behavior. It was the meds talking. But I do have a question.”

Me: “What’s that?”

Patient: “Are y’all hiring?”